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were my parents abusive?

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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were my parents abusive?

Postby lizisace » Fri Aug 17, 2018 6:59 pm

Hii, I just made a similar post in the DID forum, but I also wanted to post in here, because when I wrote all of this down, more stuff kept coming up and this forum fits the subject a bit better.


the first thing really stood out to me this morning, my mom was a bit stressed out and i can't really deal with my parents being that way. she started to talk/complain to me about all the things i still had to do and that my room was a mess, so just basic stuff that isn't supposed to be this big deal. However to me it was (and kind of always is). I can't handle my parents being stressed or unhappy, like it makes me feel physically ill. this morning i just had to leave halfway through the conversation to go lay down, because i felt like i was losing the strength to stand. I have had this for as long as I can remember, but I always just brushed it off as normal, but I don't really think it is.

I'm always a bit afraid of my parents, in the way of 'they're more important than me' and needing their approval for everything. I am never able to give my own opinion or do what I want, because my parents will always tell me that i'm weird or that i'm doing the wrong thing. I have hiding spots everywhere, even in my apartment in a different city, because my mom always went through all my stuff and I don't trust it. I am never able to have friends over, because i'm afraid of my parents not approving. I also never go out with friends, since my parents are over protective and don't let me go by myself, so the only way is for them to take me by car (which they will complain about for days beforehand), and I just can't bother them, so I lost basically all my friends in highschool because of this. I'm also unable to make noise (even when home alone), and I can't make a mess outside of my room, because somehow i'm afraid to have signs that I also live here. Also, I found out when I was 14 that they'd been reading my texts for about 2 years and I'm just now getting over being afraid to talk about personal stuff through text, but I still can't talk negative about my parents through text, because i'm too afraid of them reading it.

My main triggers that I've figured out so far (besides the common ones) are 'ssssht' sounds, low inaudible voices, yelling, fighting and people being being generally unhappy in a situation that could be caused by my (which in my head it almost always is).

I always thought my trauma is most likely to be something sexual, since i'm very messed up sexually, and it just makes a lot of sense (if you go through a list of repressed sexual trauma, I will have all of them). And also my parents always did the best they could when raising me, so i never really considered them being a part of my trauma, but now i'm not really sure.

I also just had this weird memory of my sleeping habits when I was little. I used to have very bad problems with sleeping, since i didn't really want to be alone and I could never fall asleep. so, i would always cry a lot when my parents put me to bed, then when i was a bit older i would get out of bed multiple times a night to tel my parents that i wasn't able to sleep. Which then turned into me getting out of bed and getting my parents so angry at me that they made me cry, and then spend the rest of the night crying myself to sleep, and this would be my way of 'tiring down' for years. I thing i spent at least 5 or 6 years doing that. I kind of did the same thing when i had to take a shower and wash my hair. I couldn't do it unless my parents were so mad at me i had to cry.

there is probably a lot more, but i don't really know at the moment. Do you guys think some of this is abuse? or at least big enough to cause a trauma? (I have DID and I have emotional flashbacks of very intense shame and someone grabbing my arm, but i don't know what caused them yet, so i'm trying to figure things out a bit and see if it is a possibility or at least helped the whole dissociation thing)

thank you.
Liz
lizisace
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Re: were my parents abusive?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Aug 17, 2018 8:56 pm

Do you guys think some of this is abuse? or at least big enough to cause a trauma?


I'm definitely no expert whatsoever, but to me it's clear that your parents didn't let you be your own person. Think for yourself, have opinions, share your thoughts, things like that...I don't feel like I would know enough to even give an opinion if it could or couldn't be trauma, BUT...it definitely affected you and it continues to affect you in different ways like you share. Like you don't like to be around them when they are complaining. I would definitely say it's "big enough" to cause issues and I'd look into it more thoroughly about it being abuse. I only look at the fact that they don't treat you with the respect that you deserve to allow yourself to be yourself and to not worry what they think. I don't know if it's abuse but in my own simple opinion, it is big enough to cause a sort of like PTSD type of feeling, so I'd say yes, it could be enough to cause "trauma." Yes.

I'd recommend a little booklet I like and have read many times, it's called Born Only Once. It helped me to understand a lot about myself and also to understand that no matter how small the way others treat you, especially those closest to you, like our own parents, it shapes how we see ourselves. And even if your parents don't see how "good" and "perfect" you are, you can still look past all that and know it deep inside yourself that you are unique and you are a wonderful person on this earth. That's what I got out of this book.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: were my parents abusive?

Postby lizisace » Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:21 pm

hii thank you for your response.

I also feel like abuse might be a little too much, mainly because I do believe they meant well and it's not really that big of a deal i guess (I mean it is but it can be a lot worse). but the trauma thing does help clarify some things for me. I don't think it's the main trauma, since it doesn't fit the emotional/physical flashbacks i get. but maybe it did help with making everything a lot worse.

also a thing i forgot to mention is that my parents made me and my brother download this app on our phones that allows them to see where we are at all times and gives them a notification when i arrive/leave home or school. I really hate this app because it makes me feel so trapped, but i'm too afraid of my dad's reaction to delete the app. and we kind of have this ritual that i always have 1> depressed days when we're on holiday and then my mom will yell at me that i have ruined everything, i think i have succeeded in doing that for at least 8 years.

i'll try to read the booklet thing, since it sounds very helpful, so thank you for that tip :)
lizisace
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Re: were my parents abusive?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Sun Aug 19, 2018 3:46 am

It could be classified as abuse. I just can't quite find the word as to what it would fall under. It's definitely a type of "emotional" abuse type. It still messes with your emotions. But like I said, I'm no expert here, just have opinions and I've had past abuse so I can spot it right on. And I do think it's a HUGE deal. It's you, it's your everyday life. So that makes it so big in the big picture of your everyday life. This is your life and they are not allowing you to be fully happy with how they treat you. That's why I say yes it is a big deal.

With the app, I'd not like it either. I have told my husband that if he ever put cameras in our living room for security, I just don't care, I will take them down and I just might break them and trash them. So, yeah, I don't like to be monitored in any way. But I understand how difficult it really is for you. Sending hugs, if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Dx: Bipolar I and ADD
Lamictal 300mg
Wellbutrin XL 300mg
Vraylar 6 mg
diazepam p.r.n 10 mg twice a day
Elavil (Amitriptylin) 20mg for insomnia
Methylphenidate (Ritalin) 10mg

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