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Abusive mother?

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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Abusive mother?

Postby Shiaena » Tue Jul 31, 2018 1:24 pm

Hello everyone, I'm new to talking about this whole topic so please bear with me. I just turned 20 recently, so I know I dont count as a child anymore, but this has gone on for what I feels like forever.

I liked to think my mother and I had a good relationship. I'm her only daughter, right after a miscarriage she had, and after that she was never able to have anymore children. I live in a nice house because my father provides so much for us. My mother packs me lunches, sees me off at work, praises my accomplishments.

But theres always been...something off.

For years, my mother has strived for me to do the best I can. Homeschooled me when other children would start to influence me to stray from her grasp, made sure I stayed at home to study or only go out with her. In fact, its still like that. She would spread everywhere that I see no importance in friends because my studies are more important. She would tell people that I'm not thinking about a boyfriend or any relationship, that when I grow up I may just get a donor sperm to have children. I soon became too afraid to speak my mind when I began to shape into my own person, like every different opinion I had would cause backlash. Oh, how right I was.

When I told mom I may be interested in girls, she was ecstatic, she stated she always hated men and was only with my father due to his status in the military. But when i mentioned I'm Bi (I'm actually pan, but I thought Bi would be an easier pill to swallow), she instantly thought that would cause me to be some cheater who wants to have a woman and man at the same time. Sometimes she will agree, but sometimes she will disagree.

When I openly spoke to her about masturbation, I begged her not to tell my father, that I just wanted information...She said that its bad, horrible, that penises wont feel good to me anymore, that I would feel like i want something inside. Then as soon as she got my father alone, I overheard her telling him, and they restricted my computer usage. Whenever the talk of sex came up, she would tell me how painful it is, how men dont care, how ill bleed buckets. I was, and still am, dreading the day I ever have to have intercourse because of it. Even if I know its false.

I'm a gamer of sorts, I play and chat with friends online. I yearn for the day I can speak with them, they're the only friends I've had for years of being cooped up within the box that my mother shaped for me. But its impossible. I type too much, she starts asking who I'm talking to, what I'm talking about. She tells me to get off, to tell those "#####&" goodbye, rant and fight me about how I'll never make it in the real world because of my so called addiction to the online world. I thought work would fix the issue, so I got a job.

My first job as a banker was a disaster. I finally felt free, I was making friends with my coworkers, I was becoming more social, I was making sure I smelled better, looked better, I started losing weight (I'm quite chubbs). After work, I started going to Zumba with my coworkers, or going shopping by myself...My mother went berserk, ranting about me wasting money, changing how I'm acting. She shaped my mind to believe my boss was a controlling bitch, that I needed to tell her off, and I did, believing my mother was right. I cant blame her entirely, I know I cant, I was 18, I had my own brain but..She made points that made me afraid to refuse. I had to quit that job, and I got a job as a 911 dispatcher. The habits of tracking my time to go home, where I am, when I go to work, still remain. She sat down with me and told me not to eat anything but what she packs me, because I'm becoming too fat.

Recently, I've been talking about moving out...Mother had a dream that my coworkers were talking me into it. Then she told me I was changing after starting my job. So she spoke to my father, made him tell me that I never had to leave. Then she spoke to me, telling me i can stay until I find a husband and have kids. That I HAVE to focus on college, finish my career, then leave if I ever have a relationship. They threaten to take my cats away, she says how I have to prove to her that I'm ready to live on my own...So many others have told me how lucky I am, how they would kill to be in my shoes, to stay as long as I can but I..

I just dont feel good.

I've had suicidal or self harm thoughts (I've never acted on them). But I've been too afraid to call anybody, or see a therapist, because I fear my mother would find out. I nearly have a panic attack anytime I talk back to her. Shes never hit me but her words are like venom to my veins that make my blood run cool. Then she tells my father about it, says how horrible I'm being, and turns him against me. I'm too afraid to even go to the damn ob/gyn because if she finds out, she would fight me about the doctor taking away my virginity and how I should have listened to.

To so many others, I'm a spoiled brat who just whines about minor stuff. I have everything, but I feel toxic anytime I'm around her, like she will find out every secret ive held from her. the friends I've acquired, the things I've bought, the ideas I've had. I have no privacy. Shes everywhere, and she yells at me at the slightest protest, even the bathroom. But shes my mother, I love her, she gave birth to me, I'm supposed to respect her. I'm lost, and I just want out, but I dont even know if shes the abusive one or I'm just crazy.

There are also times we talk about friends, she shoots the idea out of my head entirely. Says men are pigs, I dont need anybody. States all the friends shes had are just for convenience, business purposes, not friends at all. The only reason she volunteered at food pantries were the free food and connections. The only reason shes married to my father is because hes the money maker, a good man, and had good status, but she tells me every sickening detail of the times he's tried to have intercourse with her and she refused. Making that as an example for me never be with a man. Now shes getting closer to my coworkers, they think shes so precious and kind, and I'm afraid what shes planning...
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Re: Abusive mother?

Postby seabreezeblue » Sat Aug 04, 2018 9:06 am

I'm supposed to respect her. I'm lost, and I just want out, but I dont even know if shes the abusive one or I'm just crazy.


and yet she doesn't seem to have any kind of respect for you as a separate individual with your own rights and your own mind.

You're not a spoiled brat at all.. and anyone who calls you that has no idea what living with a controlling and overbearing.. and yes abusive mother is like.
They have no idea how it feels to have to squash their thoughts and emotions down.. and become a robot..
and no idea of the toll that it takes on you. :(
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and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: Abusive mother?

Postby mymothersmike » Tue Oct 23, 2018 2:03 am

I have a theory that when men abuse it is because they are consciously feeding their own sexual desires. When mothers abuse it is disguised as being in the best interests of the child. And they always find someone who will agree with them. You know I am protecting you from some evil or whatever. Or I'm doing this for you.
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Re: Abusive mother?

Postby seabreezeblue » Tue Oct 23, 2018 8:12 pm

I think it's more resentment tbh.. resentment of having to 'deal with' someone they don't want to deal with - someone that won't shut up and go away..

My mother tells of how she enjoyed her life before having children - of how she wants to go back to that time.

my thoughts are = if you don't care, don't have children.. because they're innocent lttle people with their own thoughts and feelings, and if you don't want them, you're going to screw them up.
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Re: Abusive mother?

Postby Terry E. » Wed Oct 24, 2018 2:40 am

There is also the case of women who hate their spouse partner, husband and use the control they have over his children to hurt him. They do not act purely in anger although that can also happen, but sometimes introduce another man into the equation with the object of making that child suffer while they also play the victim..(much less likely to work now).

In worse cases the child is tortured to death.. (Britt Ashfield)

and behind it all is pure hatred of the father. In my case it was because after her marriage she had a real life and she was hoping for a fairy tale. She blamed it all on him.
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Re: Abusive mother?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Oct 24, 2018 12:06 pm

You ask if your mother is abusive? Yes.

A thread here in Child Abuse Forum, "Defining Abuse"

child-abuse/topic144203.html

Failure to provide emotional support or provide the child with the attention they need. This type of neglect includes rejection; refusal to speak to, look at, or hug the child. A denial of the child as a separate person with valid needs, opinions and desires outside of those of the caregiver. Refusal to allow the child education facilities or normal social interactions with other people, including friends and family.


I compare it to what I view as a healthy type of out look. One that I didn't have, but that I try my best to provide for my children. My oldest is 18. She is her own person. She wants to be on her own. I tell her that if her dad and I are truly able to help her with financial help, we will. She wants to be on her own. She feels like she wants to be independent, which I see as normal. She wants to be accepted and be with her peers, I've read that is normal thing that teens feel a need for. Her view of the world is already being shaped by what she has experienced in life in her own home. So, were her needs met, physically, like food, shelter and basic needs, and emotionally, where she feels loved for who she is, her thoughts and opinions respected and allowed to grow as a young person. This to me, almost sounds like it's a fairy tale because I had a life that was very different than this, but I do my very best to try and provide that which I didn't have, a home where a child, adult and children could go home to and feel safe and at home. "Home is where the heart is," shouldn't just be for some people, but sadly it can feel like it is. Compare that to your situation and you have an answer about what is normal and what is not. I did not live a normal life as I feel it is, like I've just described. What I view as normal, to me, that is my opinion. So I did not take it from a book. I think a person wants happiness, there are certain wants and needs of a child, an 18 year old, like my daughter, who has dreams and is allowed to dream of a good life for herself. Maybe I didn't answer your question but I wanted to share my views because I have a daughter who wants to be on her own and I want her to be on her own too, but I want her to know that her dad and I are always there for when she needs us, to love and support her. I didn't get that, but I wish I had had it. I know what it feels like to have to hide who you really are, what your opinions are for fear of what others might think. I've had to hide those things in my own home so I automatically assume it's like that everywhere. So I've had to slowly learn to trust myself to others in my own time, and to good people. I think this way because not every person you meet is a good person, so I know this from experience, yet I still want friends and good people in my life. I have to slowly learn to trust. Hope this helps even if it is just something you can relate to. My daughter likes to wear makeup and do her hair and I'm so pleased to allow her to be who she is. My mom made me undo my fixed hair because she thought I was trying to be pretty for a guy. I was a young teen and she told me some really mean things. She said I was not pretty and that no guy would ever like me. But back to my daughter, she was a dancer in her school for 2 years and I was so proud of her then, and I feel as if I gave her a life she can look back in her adult life and feel like her past has good memories she can reach out and remember and have good feelings about that and about her parents who love her.
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