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Is my mother abusive ?

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Is my mother abusive ?

Postby jenaiaucuneidee » Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:42 pm

I am 19 now and technically no longer a child but this question has plagued me for years. I can't tell at all whether my mother is indeed abusive or whether I am amplifying some small issues.

When I was a child, my mother was physically abusive. This is something that I am sure of. A bad grade could mean a beating. My grades in German (a language I alwyas struggled with) would often lead to a sore body and some ripped out hairs.

There have been some events that made me question whether she was also emotionally abusive. One example that I remember vividly is from when I was around 11. At that time, every kid my age would pass a test that would determine which "level" of middle and high school they would attend. The lower level mostly prepares for manual labor while the higher level prepares for more intellectual jobs. My mother told me (who at the time was an already extremely anxious and stressed kid) that if I didn't get into the highest level, she would no longer talk to me. This threat now sounds ridiculous but to a 11-year-old me it was quite serious.

Another time, my mother bragged to her friend when I was 4 that I could read the time and asked me to show her. As already mentioned before, I was an extremely anxious kid so this situation stressed me out to the point where I just said that I didn't know out of fear of failing. This made my mother angry. At that time, she had just bought me a new dress that I loved. She knew that I had told my friend about it and told her I would be wearing this dress on that day. She made me change out of it and made me put on clothes that she knew I hated. They were old hand me downs from my brothers (first belonged to my elder brother then my twin brother, so they were worn) and did not fit me at all.

There was also that time where I was grounded in my room and given the silent treatment for a whole month because I said that my father was mean after he lashed out at me because he was in a bad mood. I could leave my room only to go relieve myself, shower or eat. Both my parents and my brothers wouldn't talk to me and I would eat after everyone. Since this happened during summer vacation, I spent a whole month in my room with only a few old books as company.

Nowadays there are still a lot of instances where she lashes out at me for reasons like the fact that I looked as if I was in a bad mood (which I wasn't) or the fact that I stayed too long in the bathroom. This usually means having my friends and hobbies put down and having all my worries (that I shared with her hoping that she would be understanding) mocked. The worst in this is the fact that in the end I often feel as if she was right bout everything.

The reason why I am writing this is because I believe that all of this is becoming too much for me to bear, as shown by the oanic attack I had just this morning when my mother lashed out at me again. Sounds ridiculous, I know.
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Re: Is my mother abusive ?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Jun 27, 2018 3:24 pm

To me it would feel like Emotionally Abusive. For sure.

When things are indeed a wrong and you are unsure, that to me is a sign that you are mixed up whether what she did is something that is normal or is it a wrong done to you. Because, in my opinion and from what I went through at home, I saw this type of treatment everyday as normal. When I questioned it, I became afraid and it was a rude awakening to the truth that everyone else can see.

These are my thoughts on this. I am no expert. I just consider myself a survivor of emotional and verbal abuse from my own mother. Sending hugs if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Is my mother abusive ?

Postby zer0space » Sat Jul 28, 2018 2:52 am

I couldn't continue past the first paragraph before I had to stop and write this. Abuse doesn't have to come in a certain form (emotional, physical, mental) or multiples of forms in order to be abuse. From what you've said, she was / is abusive.

I'm curious as to whether or not you have a better relationship with her now that you're older?
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