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Cut mom off

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Cut mom off

Postby ashling » Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:12 pm

Hey there, new to this forum.

A couple of years ago I cut my mom off because of some inappropriate drunken behavior. Nothing physical, but she cornered me and made me talk about the sexual abuse my step dad inflicted on me and my siblings. All on Thanksgiving! Good lord. I had tried to say no many, many times and she refused to drop it and brought me into a room where no one else was in. It was all really uncomfortable and sad. It made me realize that she doesn't care about my feelings. If I had tried to walk away or stopped talking or basically done anything to assert my boundary further I know it would have turned into a huge fight because that is what history has shown me. I know she was drunk but I just don't have it in me to be forgiving of her abusive behavior when she's drunk anymore.

We also have had a very long toxic relationship on top of her ex husband sexually abusing me. She physically and emotionally abused me for many years as a child and well into my teen years. When that incident happened on Thanksgiving it made me realize how angry I still was with her for so many things and how nothing has changed. She may have gotten better at being financially stable, and I may be big enough now to where she can't just beat me, but that's pretty much it. She has not done the work to better herself or to be accountable for being an extremely abusive person and her alcoholism is still out of control.

So yeah, it's been about 2 years since I made the decision to emotionally step away. I didn't tell her, I just became busy on holidays. I don't know if that's healthy or not. Maybe I should have written a letter or said something. But I have tried to confront her in the past and it's never led to anywhere but her freaking out, screaming, threatening things, holding things above my head, huge guilt trips.

This week I needed documents in order to get a passport and she has all that stuff. I texted her about getting them and she responded with huge block texts of anger, guilt trips, etc. I wish I didn't have to reach out to her but otherwise it would have been a months long process of getting my own documents from the government. I am trying not to react to the upsetting things she has said. I even showed the conversation to my partner to make sure I didn't say something messed up to warrant those responses, which I don't think I did.

Basically I keep rotating through feeling numb about it, angry, guilty, sad. Looking at how she speaks to me makes me feel like stepping away was the correct choice but it definitely comes at a price of losing my own mother. The older I get and the more removed I am, the more clear her abuse is. It's helped in a lot of ways. I feel better at being accountable for my own behavior because I no longer am engaged in toxic dynamics so behaving in certain ways is just ridiculous and childish. I can also see the good things she has done. It's not black and white like I had hoped it would be, but because it's gray it does tend to bring on heavy feeling of guilt.

Some of the things she has done to me I don't think I can forgive, especially when she admits none of it and does no work to actually form a relationship with me, just wants Christmas photos to post of facebook so everything looks ok from the outside. Never calls me on my birthday, asks how I'm doing, doesn't even know where I live. The day she bothers to pick up the phone and attempts to have one conversation with me where she asks how I'm doing is the day I know she has changed.

Anyway thanks for listening. Not really sure where to go from here. It still feels like a gigantic weight on my shoulder.
ashling
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Re: Cut mom off

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:36 pm

Your story is like mine in so many ways. The guilt you sometimes feel. Seeing that things are not just black and white. I see that in my relationship with my mother too. I have set firm boundaries and I just don't talk to her anymore for the most part. She called some 3 weeks ago and I decided I didn't want to answer. I didn't answer. I don't feel guilty because I have talked through this with my therapist for so many years now, that it doesn't bother me anymore that I didn't answer her call. I have, at times, picked up the phone and called her to see how she is. I still will call every once in a blue moon. Rarely. You are doing well to take care of yourself. I always say this. No one will take care of you, so you must do it for yourself. It goes further into that meaning. I also have to keep out people who would judge me and critique me on my personal decisions in my life. No one but I know what my life entails, so I am the first person I go to, to see if my decision was a good one because I know everything about myself. I hope you get those papers you need soon. Let us know how it goes. Sending hugs, if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Cut mom off

Postby ashling » Tue Jun 19, 2018 5:40 pm

Thanks so much for responding. It really helped me feel better and not so alone and isolated. I'm sorry you have a strained relationship too.
ashling
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Re: Cut mom off

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Jun 19, 2018 9:11 pm

ashling wrote:Thanks so much for responding. It really helped me feel better and not so alone and isolated. I'm sorry you have a strained relationship too.


I'm glad you feel better and not so alone or isolated. You aren't, but I know it can feel that way. Surround yourself with good people in your life. People who can see you for who you are, a good person. :wink:
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Dx: Bipolar I and ADD
Lamictal 300mg
Wellbutrin XL 300mg
Vraylar 6 mg
diazepam p.r.n 10 mg twice a day
Elavil (Amitriptylin) 20mg for insomnia
Methylphenidate (Ritalin) 10mg

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Re: Cut mom off

Postby Terry E. » Tue Jun 19, 2018 10:36 pm

I would just like to add I think you have coped extremely well. What you feel is felt by many of us. Unless people have lived what you have they cannot understand.
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