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Was I abused?

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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Was I abused?

Postby SunshinezPuzzle » Wed Jun 13, 2018 8:14 am

I realised that I had an account here and that I could come and ask for help somewhere where people won't be judging me like the rest of the world has been doing till date.

It's been a hard life for me since the start. I didn't know that my life would turn out like this. I had never even imagined.
I was three when my parents and my eight year old elder brother passed away in a car crash. My parents died on spot but I watched my brother die in the hospital, bandaged from head to toe. It was hard then, but I don't really remember much about it because it was 10 years ago. and I was a kid. My custody was handed over to my paternal grandparents. my grandpa loved me a lot. I mostly used to believe that it was my fault that my family died {I was talking to them on phone when the accident happened}, but he was the one who made me understand that it wasn't my fault. He was really very nice, and I loved him a lot. My grandma didn't like me and she tried to kill me just a week after my parents funeral. it was my dad's sis who stopped her.
My grandpa passed away a few weeks later- a cardiac arrest. I hated it all.
I was too much affected by all of this. I remember seeing my parents and my brother in the clouds when I was on the roof of their two storied. I wanted to join them, I remember. So, I stepped off the roof. It was pure innocence. I thought that I could join them, so I stepped off.
It resulted in a break in my thigh bone and my kneecap. My knee cap had to be replaced.
I was handed over to my parent's close friends, they loved me a lot at first. But then they had a child of their own. And I was pushed on to the outside of their world. I was there, so I had to be fed, clothed and kept well. That was all they felt towards me.
Day after day, year after year; I didn't see them falling in love with him. I saw them falling out of love with me.
I was molested by a school teacher when I was 12. He tried to rape me, but I jumped out of the window that was there in the room, on the second floor. I had a few broken bones, a permanent impression on my mind, a fear of men. I started self harming.
I moved away, to another school, to a new place, and thought of a new beginning.
All was fine until I went missing from a friend's birthday party at night. I was gangraped and starved for five days. They left me near a factory, at night, in the cold of January.
I was in the hospital for many days, and then I started self harming myself again. I turned suicidal, the least to say. The docs told them that the best thing that could be done to lessen this behaviour was isolation and pills. I lived like that for a month.
I stopped talking after the incident. I just didn't talk.I didn't want to talk anymore. I've started talking only about a year ago, after we moved to a new place.
I'd had a person stalking me for the past few months. He's tried to kiss me. He's hurt me too- he slashed my wrists. I don't know what's wrong with him. I don't even know why he is doing all this.
I'm a lesbian and the whole LGBTQ community is not acceptable in my country. This makes it even harder for me to want to live.
I am in a relationship with a girl who is a year younger to me. We both love each other a lot... but now things are getting hard even between the two of us. I don't want to share most of my past with her because I don't want her to see me as the girl I was then. And I don't want to tell her about it because I know it will affect our relationship. And now I'm even considering breaking up with the one person who loves me so that when I am gone, she doesn't get hurt as much as she would if I do it when we are still together.
I have been suicidal more than once in my life, and I don't think that I could even care about what is going to happen to me now.
I heard them discuss putting me into isolation again.I don't want to face it all again. I want to die again. But this time,I feel like it's real. Like if I try this time, I won't be able to come back.
I want to die. I want to quit.
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Re: Was I abused?

Postby doomsday8860 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:06 pm

I am not a professionial but its obvious to me you are a genuine and great person and I really want you to be OK. You have someone that loves you I would talk to them and start to open up about your past. You have done nothing wrong you've just been dealt a $#%^ hand but your still fighting and your doing a good job considering the circumstances. Start to trust your significant other as they will be there for you in this time of need.

All the best much love :)
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Re: Was I abused?

Postby shock_the_monkey » Fri Jun 15, 2018 7:54 pm

something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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