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Was I really abused?

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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Was I really abused?

Postby Rame » Sun Jun 03, 2018 11:42 am

I am a girl from a typical eastern family, where hitting and cursing your child is usually normal. But despite this fact i want to know if i was truly abused or if it was normal because of the country i lived in.

I am 100% sure that my father is abusive because on several occasions he has beaten my mother bloody and blue due to small conflicts. While this was once in a while, he would CONSTANTLY curse at my mother because - for example, she did not make a dish as per his liking. Lets just say I am a nineteen year old who has learned all the abusive language from home rather than outside. i have older siblings who have seen all this happen but have not reacted in anyway and completely accept the fact these kinds of things happen in every household. Now, because my mother faced much criticism and abuse she has turned abusive towards me. My siblings left off to different countries when i was 13 and since then the abuse has increased 10 times. I have complained about this to siblings but they just ask me to shove it up and deal with it.

My mother would abuse me verbally and physically since i was a child. I recall an event where i was around 6-7 years old and i had misbehaved with her slightly. She tied me up with ropes and put me in a dark room because she knew i was extremely afraid of the dark. I would hysterically scream but as stone-hearted she is, she did not budge. After that there were SEVERAL times she hit me (slapped, kicked, beaten with shoes, rods, sticks etc.) and curse at Me.

Another time, i went to my cousins house on the way back from school to play with him ( we went in the same car). My mother did not like their family and told me not to go there. But i think I justified it because i did not have a single friend till i was in middle school and did not get to play with anyone. When i came back, my driver told her that I stopped at my cousins house for a while. Just she closed the door behind after i entered that house, she grabbed my neck from behind, and pushed my head straight towards the ground and them continued to beat me.

I am describing only a few events just to explain the reasons why i was beaten and to what extent i was punished.

As i grew older she had become toxically verbal. So did I. I did not perform well at school and developed an attitude problem( this was mainly due to sexual abuse I suffered as a child - another story) i tried to express how they were wrong and abusive but was told that it was me who was wrong and deserved it. I was criticized on every feature of my body. Told i was ugly many times and how i had a disgusting face resembling a pig or a dogs. How i will never be happy because of the person i am. How I deserve to be hated and abused. How i was the biggest loser and was absolutely useless becaue i didnt like to do house work.

I had become depressed by 15-16 and spent my time sleeping it away I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight because i was constantly told i was fat (52kgs with height : 5”4) apparently that was fat to them. I was never involved in drugs or with the wrong company at anytime neither did i spend time on useless things. I just slept away. Even this was a problem for my parents. They would occasionally curse at me till i was awake. They would even hit me several times. I tried expressing this to my siblings but they would taunt me how i was being dramatic but was just lazy and finding excuses. The expression of hatred continued by my parents. I would cry EVERY single night.

Once i stood up to my father beating my mother so he started beating me instead of my mother. He dragged me by my hair across the floor and beat me till i was bruised. After that this kind of beating became very frequent. Surprisingly, my mother blamed me for deserving it because it was misbehavior that i was punished for. I gave up trying to reconcile with my family.

I was yelled at almost everyday from school till home. I was yelled and beaten for coming out of my school to my car 5-10 minutes late while i would see my friends taking their time going out the gates. i was told that i turn pale as soon my name was announced through the speakers and would just dash outside whatever i was doing. Many people asked my why i was so afraid of my parents and i never had an answer.

The place where i get confused if i was really abused is the fact that i was given shelter, the best possible education, my parents would also be physically affectionate with me from time to time. They would also sometimes appreciate my talents but in the end would turn to belittle me once more.

I have planned to escape this by applying to a university abroad. I have also expressed how im doing this to escape them. They make frequent abusive remarks. My mother ALWAYS and by that i mean always tries to obstruct my plans for it. Be it gathering application material or trying to borrow a friends laptop. She would pick a fight out of nowhere and starts accusing my of being selfish which would end up in her stopping me from doing my work.

I grew up to believe that i was ungrateful and spoilt and deserve such behavior because of the person i am. But i whenever i told an outsider of my conditions at home they would always suggest that i am abused and its not my fault. Yet i still doubt if the problem is with me or my family. If i should keep standing up for myself or should try to change myself. If what was done to me wrong or if it was me who is wrong
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Re: Was I really abused?

Postby Terry E. » Mon Jun 04, 2018 10:08 pm

It is abuse. I hate to rate this but to me high end.

Whether they gave you material things, food and shelter is not part of an equation. You were not their property with what they could do what they liked. The food and shelter did not "buy" you.

I am sorry my dear but it is abuse. You deserved better.

It messes with our self esteem, our ability to trust, therefore form good relationships and depending on who we are it can have very many consequences. We tend to make bad decisions.The damage often does not finish when we walk out that door.

I will post a link later today that has a lot of resources for survivors.

I feel for you mother but she was broken by him, and she failed you too.
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Re: Was I really abused?

Postby Terry E. » Tue Jun 05, 2018 8:25 am

https://www.blueknot.org.au/Survivors-S ... -Survivors

These people have what is recognized as among the best online resources for survivors on the web.

The sad truth is that despite much social commentary, we are usually pretty well on our own dealing with this. Sure this web site will help, I am always going to be hear, but for most of us, we have to work out what problems our childhoods have caused and maybe still causing.

Knowing that my mother was a lunatic who wound up in a straight jacket and padded cell makes me smile, but did not help my trust issues or lack of self esteem. I was lucky. The public recognized her eventually and it does help. But I was 33 when that happened and much damage had already been done.

So please examine those resources. You may get a light globe moment or two, but just think of yourself as a work in progress. It gets better.

I often look at how different siblings are effected. Two of my close friends have opposite results from their siblings. I one case she is a huge success while her sister is a car wreck in the other she has been betrayed again and again because of bad decisions she makes or more accurately choices between various bad alternatives while her brother is happily married although far away from my friends abuser.

I am here helping while my brother is still a sea of rage, yet my abuse was much worse.

Best not to focus on these whys, but more on ways we can move forward.

Take care
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Re: Was I really abused?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Sat Jun 09, 2018 11:24 am

You ask, "Was I really abused?" Yes, you were. There is no doubt in my mind that you were physically and emotionally and verbally abused.

You don't know any other life except that life and so it seemed sort of normal to you, which is one reason, I believe is why you question the abuse. I couldn't stand the life I was leading. I ran away and went to a shelter where I was given housing, food, and shelter for a time until I got a job and saved my money. I then rented and shared an apartment with a good woman and her two small children. Long story. But what happened to you is not going to change if you live under their roof. I am not at all telling you to run away. I am merely sharing my story. I didn't let my mom know where I was at. I was thousands of miles away and I didn't communicate with her for over 3 months. I still hate her and the way she treated me. She is still emotionally and verbally abuses me when I see her. Which is why I don't talk to her. She called me the other day. I decided not to answer the phone because she always ruins my day when I talk to her. I am unable to forgive her. She was cruel. I told my friends back then, that I would rather live in the streets (in a shelter) instead of with that monster. I went back to having her in my life and she was such a toxic person, I eventually needed to remove myself from the situations I was in when I was around her. She still gets to me and can hurt me, but I protect myself by not seeing her. I used to question if I was abused too. It affected me in so many ways. Low self-esteem (but I am getting better with therapy), I am not spontaneous easily. I fear criticism very much. Other things. I now know and feel strongly that each person is special in their own special way. You have a place in this world to be yourself and to be happy. Don't give up believing that you deserve a good life. I would recommend you getting a good therapist to walk you through and help you see yourself for who you really are, a good person. Thank you for sharing your story.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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