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Childhood abuse and future problems?

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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Childhood abuse and future problems?

Postby Evesfall » Thu May 31, 2018 2:36 pm

I'm 23 years of age, it's been 4 years since any abuse happened in my life.

However I struggle daily to do normal things.

The abuse started when I was a few months old, my mum would pinch my skin till I would cry.
She neglected me pretty badly, strangled me as as baby, left me out in the sun to get sunburn, hit me and used to lock me in the house on my own. This was when I was a baby

She got worse, I developed skin rashes from the house hygiene, got something embedded in my thigh, she would rag my hair, hit me with stuff, humiliate me by pouring food over my head, make me go to school without food, told me I'm ugly, she would threaten to stab me and my brother, we hardly ate, she locked me in a room for 3 days which meant I had to go the toilet in my bedroom, told me I'm a bitch and nobody will love me (I was 7 years of age) she hit me daily my mental health was very bad and it stopped when I ran away because she hit me again but seriously bad. My dad never seemed to get involved unless it was really bad like the time I had a nightmare and she lifted me up by my neck and shook me.
Social services were involved and this is where my grandparents come in

My grandparents were like my saviours as kids but I've realised they aren't as I've Grown up.
They knew about the abuse and still refused to get social services involved. I'll talk more about this after

I then also experienced sexual assault and bullying in school. There was someone I thought to be my friend and one day they pinned me down and forced me to have oral sex
After that they told everyone I consented and I never, i was terrified of this lad
He knew I was vulnerable and he almost raped me but couldn't because my legs froze with shock
In the end I told people and moved schools away from him.

Still affected me after wards.
I then got into a relationship at 15 which became toxic/abusive.

He was sweet at first, he eventually hit me
But before he did he made me feel extremely hideous and cheated a lot. People would tell me things about him and he would deny it. Made me look crazy

He hit me so hard once my teeth shattered and I had to have two pulled due to infection. He wouldn't let me wear certain things, tell me I can't go out, stalked me and he knew I was head over heels
I wasted 4 years with Him, I had my first pregnancy with him but I had to abort
He kind of made me and my family did too even though it ruined me
I seen the baby and everything, I held it in my hand.

Nobody was supportive.
I eventually left that relationship and moved on with the help of my friends

I struggled with what I want from life for a long long time, I was lost.

Currently I still live with my grandparents but only because I would be homeless if I didn't, I still resent them for knowing about the abuse and not stopping it. My grandads pretty controlling, he won't allow me to do much and he forced me to go to college when I didn't want too.

I planned to join the military at 16 and get away from it, I spent 6 months prepping, going the gym and separating myself from anything that could cause me depression.. they wouldn't let me join and me being the way iam listened because I was scared of having nobody. So I went to college for four years did science which I struggled with because of everything going on at home
I drank instead of going to college and did illegal things till i was caught and charged.
(I didn't hurt anyone or anything, I just gave into a selfish habit) I had a good solicitor and he told the courts everything that had been going on and they let me off with a suspended sentence(never broke the law since) and fixed myself up, left that abusive relationship.
Confronted my mum even though I hadn't spoke to her in years and said I'm not scared of you anymore. She started doing it to my little brother he was 11 and still had to go see her

Until the council noticed how poorly kept he was and the school got involved accused my mum of abuse. He got took off her by the police and placed in hospital. He had an eating disorder (I used to self harm over my mum but he did it that way) I knew she was abusing him but my dad didn't seem to care and allowed her to carry on

Eventually I got the courage to tell the police everything she did and had an interview with a detective, who was very very good. Even admitted she's a $#%^ mum. He wanted statements from my family but they didn't give any (my dad does drugs and didn't want the police going in) my brother gave statements to the police and an interview with what she did. I went to court and seen her, i would go home twisting and turning because I wanted to murder her after what she did. She was smirking and saying she hasn't done anything.

That carried on for years whilst my brother was in hospital, the nurses looking after him even found something my mum had written on a tablet and gave to my brother which made him have a mental breakdown.

My brother got moved to macclesfield away from her and placed in a home
He's happier, he's coming home soon and getting better.

I got badly depressed after it all, started drinking and even attempted suicide once.
Well I didn't mean it but I admitted I've been struggling. After that I seen a therapist and he came out with all these illnessss which I don't think I have
One was ptsd, depression and bpd.

I've never had any symptoms of bpd only started feeling bad when I got older and realised what I went through.

I went on anti depressants
My life changed, I got a job supporting vulnerable adults, had more money, made more friends, dated around, because I felt comfortable with myself, started dressing better, going the gym and started eating healthy

My life felt normal, ididnt need to smoke to feel better or drink.
This lasted about 2 years, I had loads of money, was planning on driving, getting a house and starting a new life.
I met my boyfriend and I was so happy
But like every relationship I encounter it went downhill even though I love him

I just couldn't get it out of my head he's cheating or gonna do the same as my ex.
I even lied to him to make my life seem more interesting because I'm deeply ashamed of my family and past. I began switching off emotionally to everything.

Even my job to which I lost yesterday due to absence and performance, I'm gutted but it was coming

I dunno is this normal in childhood abuse survivors? Your whole mental dynamics being messed up?
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Re: Childhood abuse and future problems?

Postby Terry E. » Fri Jun 01, 2018 10:37 am

Okay I have read it all and yes very normal. Your situation is extreme. Most survivor stuff is for mild survivors and many professionals have never seen extreme. Extreme neglect, high level physical, extreme emotional.

One girl here said "the sex abuse did not ruin my life", but because of it I made some very bad decisions and that ruined my life.

I would venture that you are highly intelligent otherwise you would be in a much worse state than you are.

Your self esteem has been terribly damaged and it never really recovers. It can improve with work, self improvement exactly like you did, (well done) but we seem to fear normal as we have not experienced it and we self sabotage just like you did. I have done it my friends have done it. Not normal but normal for us. I enjoy chaos and have many times let things go to crap when I could have stopped it, just so I could again be in an environment I felt comfortable in.

I think your counselor was half right. If you have not got child abuse survivor PTSD it would be a miracle. I have, and my friends do too. I run a successful accounting practice staying sane runs a very successful business and has two degrees in other fields. We still have self esteem issues but have worked out how to succeed. Child abuse PTSD is very different from normal PTSD as we have no bar to judge it. A soldiers family says "he has changed. He is no longer what he was". We don't know any different. We are then called depressed. I defy anyone who has lived your life to look at me and smile and say "' I can't complain". i doubt you have clinical depression. You have down moments because you have memories. What do they expect us to do, Replace 20 years of pain with a Disney animation ??

Here is a link to what I have found is the best resource on the web. They are recognized internationally. Take time and go through it.
https://www.blueknot.org.au/Survivors-S ... -Survivors

Now after all that I am going to tell you, that you need to pull yourself together - again. Make notes of what went wrong. See the errors you made and keep moving forward. My friends and I all say, at the end it is up to us. If we can make progress others can help, but that drive must come within.

Don't let that f@#$ing bi#$h win.

I will keep answering as long as you keep posting.

Come on, you have been knocked down again, get back up. You can do it.
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Re: Childhood abuse and future problems?

Postby Wally58 » Fri Jun 01, 2018 11:49 am

I suppose that a child has to deal with trauma in the best way that they can at the time with the tools that they have. For me, that may have been going insane until I found another way to deal with it.
Unfortunately, that was alcohol in my early teens. I feel that I was alcoholic right from the start. I would drink until I got sick or passed out.
Alcohol was a worse way to deal with it. I had to undo the alcoholism before I could begin to undo my other problems.
Looking back on my childhood, mom said that I had changed. Yeah, I did. She also said that 'We need to talk'. That talk never came and now she has been gone a few years.
Mom went through her own trauma while growing up and was just passing it along to the next generation. She didn't know any different.
I managed to stop alcohol when I turned 30. That was 30 years ago. Some things just don't make sense and the past can be fragmented and confusing. It wasn't recorded and no one is around to tell us what actually happened or why.
Our lives are shaped by our past experiences. I don't want to forget where I came from or change who I am.
AA and the recovering people that I met along the way gave me back my life. I was able to get treatment for depression and anxiety which would have been impossible for me while I was a drunk.
We can write a happy ending to this.
Best of luck to you. :D
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