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*TW* very lost ( very triggering )

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*TW* very lost ( very triggering )

Postby Cod Fisherman » Wed Apr 18, 2018 9:59 pm


My first memories were of Uncles and such that would yell and scream, tear up things, violence ( 6 and below ). This was not toward or about me, I don't think, but I certainly remember two occasions on both sides of my family.

My next memories are of being beaten up at the age of 9 ( in the 80's right after the Challenger disaster ) because due to a learning disorder, I was not doing my homework. A step parent, the one that was not going to college, who was tasked to take care of me while my Mother was at School,Regularly gave me the belt, switches ( from a bush and bare skin, I would have to go outside and retrieve the switch, remove the leaves, and hear " this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you" ) punched a lot..He was an angry drunk.. emotional abuse as well. "bastard" .. "cock sucker" .."little #####&".. were regular lines I would hear toward myself

He also came home once, sad and crying drunk from the bar, and over the course of an hour had me crying and feeling bad because I was not his kid. I still feel horrible guilt because of that night, I had no way of understanding what was going on. I see myself in that situation and feel like I deserved every ######6 bit of it.

I remember my first seizure like startle response was from him reaching across the dash board of the work truck and me shielding my face , it's fuzzy but he beat me up till a point where I think he knew he had to stop. Some ######6 do gooder in High School , years and years after anything could have been done, got me questioned about the scars on my back.

What's the point of this horrible $#%^?

I'm now 40ish, unable to work, unable to really be around people. I have no friends, no S.O. , no life really. I have constant compulsion to self harm though I have not taken action in a few years. I feel 100 compulsions a day to do various violent things to myself, never taking action, but suffering this "voice" nonetheless. Singing stupid Adam Sandler type songs about how I would like to do violent things toward myself. I know it's from what I went through as a kid, why else would I hate myself so much? why else would I have had PTSD since pre 2000?

I don't know what to do, I am in therapy. Therapist is just out of college, and can't help me. I don't know how many more years of living alone and hating myself I can take. I don't have the guts to give suicide a try sadly, so I am really stuck.

Some days I cry so much my face hurts. I have a drug abuse problem as well. I am only really happy when I am nodded out on opiates. Things like showering, shaving, leaving the house are becoming too much.

Sorry if this is triggering. I need to vent as I feel like I can't take it anymore. I still am the eight or nine year old getting the $#%^ kicked out of me in my head, and I just hate me more daily

I am in therapy but it's a jerk off.
Last edited by shock_the_monkey on Wed Apr 18, 2018 10:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited for trigger warnings.
Cod Fisherman
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Re: *TW* very lost ( very triggering )

Postby Terry E. » Thu Apr 19, 2018 7:17 am

This is the place to vent.

It will help you, and so sorry about what you went through. Society has a long way to go to realise that the real worth of society if not in house cars buts it's children.

Don't want to sound like I am using a water pistol against a forest fire but have you tried exercising. I have found it helps with my anger and frustration. It helps my hormones levels and raises my self esteem.

Take care
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Re: *TW* very lost ( very triggering )

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Apr 27, 2018 7:13 pm

Your story is very sad. I want to hug you in person because you have suffered so much. You didn't deserve any of that. You were/are so innocent. Thanks for sharing and I hope others share here too. It's so hard to carry this much pain within ourselves. I was physically abused a little bit. But the verbal and emotional abuse was much worse. I have low self-esteem that is hard to overcome.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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