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My father is backtracking

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My father is backtracking

Postby solutions » Tue Apr 03, 2018 10:26 am

Hi, I need advice about what to do.

My mother used to whip me almost everyday for years. She never wanted a child but had me because my dad wanted a child and her dad wanted a grandchild. So she never wanted me. She hates me and is jealous of me. She sees me as competition for my father's love. I am a textbook case. Ran away twice, attempted suicide, attempted poisoning of the abuser. All because I was desperate to get out of that abusive situation.

When I ran away for the last time, I was 20 years old. My father found me and I tried to tell him why. He wouldn't listen. Made excuses for her, "she is your mother" and all that. In all those years of abuse, he never knew. Did he really not know or not???

My take on this is that he never wanted to know. He always deferred to her. My opinion - My father is a coward who could never and would never stand up to her.

Anyway, I finally told him again recently, recounting evidence, reminding him of events, this and that, etc. I also told him how much she hated me and was jealous of me. That even strangers and their friends would ask me if she was my stepmother. Her own sisters and mother could see her jealousy. Anyway, he finally said, "I believe you" and apologised for not knowing etc. I felt vindicated and reliefed, but then.....he began to backtrack.

My mother has alzheimer's. During dinner one night, she said, "Call ..... for dinner." My dad replied, "She is in ....." My mother commented, "why didn't you tell me. She is a clever girl."

The point is, in her alzheimer's state she doesn't show her hatred and jealousy of me. It doesn't come out. She often asks about me. This made my father doubt me and what I told him. I am back where I started. Nowhere.

Even when she was healthy, of course she wouldn't show my father outright that she hated me and was jealous of me. So either way, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

What do I do?
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Re: My father is backtracking

Postby Terry E. » Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:24 am

A lot of us go through exactly this. Not much you can do. She was a nasty for what ever reason, it does not matter. Your father will believe what he wants to believe, he probably always did. You sound like you have come through it well. I salute you for it. I personally gave up on having people understand. I could never see that it was worth the effort.

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Re: My father is backtracking

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 11:05 am

My dad knew of my mom being abusive to me. I would also tell him and I would plead with him to let me move in with him and his wife. His wife said no. He could have stepped in and been the one to decide for my sake, but well, he let me down. Not much I could do at that point.

I too, give up on even one of my closest friends believing me. She doesn't and will never understand because she never went through it herself. I don't talk to my mom. It's going on 3 years since we really are around each other for very long. I don't even like her to call me. I answered one of her calls one day not that long ago, it triggered me in a bad way. Now I will think twice about answering. She has a way to bring me down.

I'm sorry she never wanted a child. That is just terrible. How can a mother not want her beautiful baby!

My father did eventually divorce her but because of us kids he couldn't stay away from her completely. I wish he would have kept us kids from her because she is no good, even now. Just a hateful person. And I know what it means to have a mom be jealous of you too. Mine was like that to me. She has no friends and all her family don't speak much to her, if they even involve her in their life. I'm sorry your dad is backtracking. It's not fair to you. One day he will regret that, because what has he gained? Nothing and he has lost your respect.
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Re: My father is backtracking

Postby solutions » Thu Apr 05, 2018 11:16 am

Thank you Terry E. and quietgirl2538 for your replies.

I lost it with my father and wrote a really scathing letter. I didn't outright say he was a coward, but he finally came around. He apologised and admitted he was wrong. He is now trying to make amends. Asking me to come home so that I could have closure and that we would do it together. He even promised not to leave me alone with my mum and that he would protect me.

I can't tell you how relieved I feel. Finally I have been vindicated. But I still have some healing to do.
Thank you for reading.
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