Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

My abuse by Narc father and Borderline/Narc mother is well documented here.

My Narc father is evil to the core so not a complex persona to analyze. My mother, OTOH, defended me at times from my older sister -- but abused me herself and ganged up on me with the rest of them at other times. Ergo, her persona is more complex and I have conflicting/mixed feelings about her.

My understanding is that it is common for children to resent the bystanding, nonabusive parent. I have struggled with this for years. My mother was also abused by my dad (I intervened to protect her a couple of times), her own parents as a child (and as an adult), and eventually my older brother. Needless to say, she was an emotional wreck.

Not defending one's young seems to fly in the face of Mother Nature. I just don't get it. I would NEVER allow anyone, not even my spouse, to harm any child, especially mine/ours. I would do whatever necessary to get us to a safe place. My mother did not; she stayed until it killed her.

If you have had these feelings of resentment toward your nonabusive parent, how did you resolve them? What I'm really asking is how do you put all this in its proper place? I need some peace.

I wonder about this myself. I think we need to have compassion for some of these people who dealt with these monsters but in the end how we feel about them comes from whether we believe they are accountable.

My father was driven out by my mother at the point of a pair of scissors, yet moved back 9 years later when my brother had turned uncontrollably violent. As a 16 year old child I did not forgive him for leaving. Looking back I see how badly he suffered in that house just to give me a chance at an education (she tried to kill him twice over the next 20 years). He has my respect and I understand.

As a child I loved my grandparents. They were my oasis from a very unpleasant life. I now look back and realise they were enablers. They gave her money when she whined, rather than make her work, they sent us back to her brutality no matter how many times we ran away, always saying "she promises she will not do it again (I am sure it made them feel better). They could have done something. It would not have been easy, but they shut the door.

I think it comes down to someone being crushed and worn down unable to do what is right or simply taking the path of least resistance.

Terry E. wrote:<snipped> I think we need to have compassion for some of these people who dealt with these monsters but in the end how we feel about them comes form whether we believe they are accountable.

<snipped> Looking back I see how badly he suffered in that house just to give me a chance at an education (she tried to kill him twice over the next 20 years). He has my respect and I understand.

<snipped> I now look back and realise they were enablers. They gave her money when she whined, rather than make her work, they sent us back to her brutality no matter how many times we ran away, always saying "she promises she will not do it again (I am sure it made them feel better). They could have done something. It would not have been easy, but they shut the door.

I think it comes down to someone being crushed and worn down unable to do what is right or simply taking the path of least resistance.

You raise some good points.

First, I think it's important to look at these situations through the eyes of an adult rather than a child. So, yes, the retrospection is important.

I agree with you on the accountability question -- not always cut and dried --- and also the fact that people can be beaten down or just downright lazy.

Not sure if you witnessed the scissors episodes, but I am sorry to hear of those family traumas. My grandmother could have helped my mother but chose not to -- my mother was the scapegoat child who had already been thrown under the bus by her mother, and it was financially advantageous for my GM for my mother to stay with her abusive husband. Maybe that's the "path of least resistance," but I consider it intentional and deliberate.

Then there was my mother handing me on a silver platter to my abusive father, knowing full well that he was going to beat the crap out of me, despite my begging her not to. Beaten down? Path of least resistance? No, I call that willful complicity.

I am still resentful that she took those actions, despite also knowing full well that she was abused herself. My grandmother was a full-blown narc, so -- well, I just hate her goddamned guts!

Great people overcome terrible situations. People see the world as having good and bad people. It is not. There are three types not two.

Bad
Good
and those in between.

Just because they are not bad does not make them good.

what we need is someone good in our lives. Sometimes we find them, a neighbor a teacher a sports coach, but seldom in our families.

Your mother should have left. We know why she did not. Her own childhood, taking the easy option, but life is not easy at times. She should have left.

Yep saw the scissors. Remember it well. It was early morning before school. Cut up his business suits, leaving him with one shirt and one suit. Threw other clothes on the front lawn. Main road. Why not throw in public humiliation as well. I saw his fear.
My older brother and I were not too upset. They fought terribly. What we did not realise was one of the things they fought over was her beating us. How was I to know that period up to then was as good as my young life would get.

Terry E. wrote:Great people overcome terrible situations. People see the world as having good and bad people. It is not. There are three types not two.

Bad
Good
and those in between.

Just because they are not bad does not make them good.

what we need is someone good in our lives. Sometimes we find them, a neighbor a teacher a sports coach, but seldom in our families.

Your mother should have left. We know why she did not. Her own childhood, taking the easy option, but life is not easy at times. She should have left.

Yep saw the scissors. Remember it well. It was early morning before school. Cut up his business suits, leaving him with one shirt and one suit. Threw other clothes on the front lawn. Main road. Why not throw in public humiliation as well. I saw his fear.
My older brother and I were not too upset. They fought terribly. What we did not realise was one of the things they fought over was her beating us. How was I to know that period up to then was as good as my young life would get.

So, if I read your post correctly you are saying that she was being passive? I guess you missed the part of my prior post in which I pointed out that she handed me to him on a silver platter for him to abuse me. That is not just staying but indirect abuse in itself.

I don't agree that "taking the path of least resistance isn't bad." Parents are supposed to protect their children; it's part of the job description. Failing to do that is BAD, not "neutral."

JusticeMe wrote:


So, if I read your post correctly you are saying that she was being passive? I guess you missed the part of my prior post in which I pointed out that she handed me to him on a silver platter for him to abuse me.

No. My mother was the abuser. Broken bones, gene damage, CA Cushings syndrome - tuliped bones, you name it. Sadistic monster. No dad was a victim a some terrible domestic violence. Had no peace. She drew blood. He gave up. Very poor background - low self esteem ,, she f#$ked over his head and he could not tell up from down until he got out. Got out and made a great career for himself. Wound up CFO of major international company .. but his worst was yet to come.

As an adult, I resented the non-abusive parent. When I was a child, I did not question my circumstances. I was having a hard time but it was-what-it-was. I was afraid of my dad and thought he was mean but I did not question whether or not it should have been different. I always knew my mom could not protect me.

The wrongness of it all crept up on me as an adult. My father died when I was in my late 20s but my mother is still alive. My issues with her as an adult unfortunately serve as a reminder of her lack of responsiveness when I was a child.

But I have consciously worked hard to reign in my resentment. For one...I do love her and she is quite old now and I don't want unresolved internal issues to mar my last years with her. And when she does die, I don't want my grief tinged with anger.

I have had a few sessions with a counselor to talk about her and it has helped tremendously. By better understanding her and accepting her flaws, I can soothe the hurt I have felt. I have a much better emotional understanding of what to expect from her and can buffer myself. I can better see her as a person, not just as my mother.

I can work myself into a state of resentment. But I choose instead to recognize that she is very flawed in some aspects and I concentrate instead on ways she makes me smile. It's a matter of where my brain wants to spend the time - thinking about the bad or finding the good. With effort the second is winning and I make an effort to let her know that she is loved - because I do love her. And I think when she is gone - I can be at peace.

JusticeMe wrote:My abuse by Narc father and Borderline/Narc mother is well documented here.

My Narc father is evil to the core so not a complex persona to analyze. My mother, OTOH, defended me at times from my older sister -- but abused me herself and ganged up on me with the rest of them at other times. Ergo, her persona is more complex and I have conflicting/mixed feelings about her.

My understanding is that it is common for children to resent the bystanding, nonabusive parent. I have struggled with this for years. My mother was also abused by my dad (I intervened to protect her a couple of times), her own parents as a child (and as an adult), and eventually my older brother. Needless to say, she was an emotional wreck.

Not defending one's young seems to fly in the face of Mother Nature. I just don't get it. I would NEVER allow anyone, not even my spouse, to harm any child, especially mine/ours. I would do whatever necessary to get us to a safe place. My mother did not; she stayed until it killed her.

If you have had these feelings of resentment toward your nonabusive parent, how did you resolve them? What I'm really asking is how do you put all this in its proper place? I need some peace.

I had a female friend who was sexually abused by her father while her mother "looked the other way."

Yes, she resented her mother and totally disowned her family -- all of them, including her big brothers. Her sister, blonde, beautiful, slim, very attractive, was on govenment welfare most of her life.

There are "ripples" from childhood abuse.

Consequently, my female friend ultimately "thanked me" by betraying me by seeing her old bf right after we had a date.

My mom knew I was being abused by my brother, I showed her the semen on my bed when I was a preteen. I will NEVER forget that day, and I don't think anything my brother ever did to me hurt as bad as knowing my mom couldn't be bothered. She neglected me emotionally, most of which I have forgiven but not forgotten, but inside I still have a deep rage swirling around that day. She is the only mother I will ever have, and she will never love me more than she loves herself- I've accepted that. But I won't forget that day, though I wish I could.

MissHaley wrote:My mom knew I was being abused by my brother, I showed her the semen on my bed when I was a preteen. I will NEVER forget that day, and I don't think anything my brother ever did to me hurt as bad as knowing my mom couldn't be bothered. She neglected me emotionally, most of which I have forgiven but not forgotten, but inside I still have a deep rage swirling around that day. She is the only mother I will ever have, and she will never love me more than she loves herself- I've accepted that. But I won't forget that day, though I wish I could.

I am so sorry for your pain, MissHaley.

For me personally, it is very hard to forgive and forget, both of those. It was hard to forgive behavior that still continued onto adulthood. She was never sorry for anything she ever did to me. She still isn't. My heart is not hardened. I am just wiser in knowing that these kinds of people exist, they exist in our very own homes. Forgetting things from the past is easier for me. I no longer have her in my life. My life has many good things and good people in it. I have a truly wonderful husband who is very good and kind to me. My children are children, they are not perfect. They must be children is something I tell myself. But in all this, they love me very much. I feel their love.

I have two days which I can never forget either. The things she said and did are unforgiveable in my book. How can a mother say or do that to her own daughter. How could any person behave like that. It's not just the fact that she was a bad mother, it's that overall, she was a mean and hurtful person towards me.