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Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby dnanwodedispU » Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:35 am

Absolutely. My mother put me into bad situation after bad situation, between my step and biological fathers. She either blocked it all out or it just didn't matter to her. She was a naive girl from the country, but there's no way she could have been oblivious.

They are both long gone, and I have reminded her many times over the years, as I have always been the bastard child of the family. I have seen her crying, blubbering patheticaly, but nothing ever sticks. She never retains the memory, and I never get any lasting satisfaction.

The biggest breakthrough that I ever had in regard to her is that, just like me, she always wanted to be happy. She always wanted to be happy, but she didn't know how. We are all just human, after all. Even that epiphany fails me, at times. :)

She has a funny way of coming up with elaborate plans to help me, then talking herself into believing that I am somehow taking advantage of her.
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby RuleOfThree » Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:57 pm

I have some anger to my dad for not protecting me. but for the most part, I understand him. he grew up with abuse, too.
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby patientzero » Sun Dec 31, 2017 9:21 pm

i hate my mother for doing absolutely nothing when my dad was abusing me throughout my whole childhood. for more than 5 years. her fear is not an excuse. ill never ever forgive her.
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby Holodeck » Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:21 pm

My mom was the abuser. She abused my dad more than she did myself. I would maybe hold a grudge against him, but she had him constantly medicated since before I was born. His memory is gone thanks to all the things she put him through (claiming he needed treatments when he didn't). Now I have to remind him who I am when I talk to him on the phone. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do when one or the other dies.
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby hopey » Fri May 04, 2018 2:43 pm

I personally feel like resentment is necessary and justified as long as they aren't trying to rectify the situation. And even then, it comes down to personal choice. Either way both decisions are still valid.

My mother was the bystander for a lot of what I went through. She allowed my father to abuse me, but when he abused my brother she tried to get him out of our father's house. She would also blame me whenever my brother would physically attack me, sometimes even seeing him attack me in front of her and allowing him to do it. She also allowed her abusive and manipulative boyfriend to remain, even though he actively verbally targeted and harassed me. At one point I had to threaten to leave her to live with my dad full time, even though he was incredibly emotionally abusive and neglectful on almost every definition. She forced her boyfriend to move out, but for about a year afterwards, she would still allow him to come over, even when I was there and without telling me. She only left her boyfriend once he cheated on her. Yet, she continues to bring abusive men into our lives and allowing them to stay.

I'm currently 18 years old and just finishing my first year of college. A couple months ago all of my memories flooded me and I had emotional breakdown, because I realized everything my parents did wasn't normal and that I didn't deserve it. I got into the counseling program my college offers and was planning on working through all of this before talking with them, because in my past whenever I tried to talk about how my parent's actions were making me feel they would ignore me. But over spring break I got into a fight with my dad because he was controlling me because his girlfriend was annoying him and he wanted to take it out on me, as he always does with any anger he has. I had to pack all of my stuff up and spend the rest of the week at my mom's where I told her about my emotional breakdown and the counseling. She's offering to help me get counseling over the summer so I can continue working through this and is trying to learn from her previous mistakes so she can at least help my brother for now, he's two years younger than me. I still feel conflicted because she's finally listening to me and trying to change, but she's put me through so much I don't know if I can ever forgive her.

If she was still continuing on in her ways and still not making efforts to change, I definitely feel like I would harbor full resentment to her. But since she's trying to change, I feel like it's up to me to decide whether to forgive her because she's trying or to resent her because so much happened.

And so I feel like in these other scenarios and based on how I would feel if my mom wasn't currently trying, resentment is justified towards the non-abuser, because even if they didn't abuse you, they still allowed it to continue or even diminished the abuse. And through that, they did in some way side with the abuser, and through their complicitness in your abuse, did abuse you.

If someone really cared for their child, they would do anything to stop harm coming towards them. So, even though they weren't directly causing you harm, they were still allowing you to be harmed. And so they were harming you, and so you have every right to resent them just like you have the right to resent your abuser.
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby JusticeXI » Mon May 02, 2022 10:37 am

I'm a 52 year old male. Throughout my life have tried to get closure from both parents but they refuse to take responsibility or any accountability whatsoever. My stepdad said he did what he thought was right. He's not going admit he was wrong or that he is even sorry. I would say can you at least acknowledge that if a parent did those things to a child today, they would be locked up in in prison. Nope he just won’t. This topic would surface through our adult lives up to about 8 years ago I or both my brother and I finally promised that we would never bring this topic up again.

My mother never hit us but she played into the fear of my step dad to hand us over and give details to make him more angry and just made it worse for us. My mom even created a doghouse where she didn't have tell my stepdad anything when he came home just to look in the doghouse and if you were in there you got your ass whooped with a belt but that wasn't good enough, he made us pull down our pants so our bare asses were exposed and then the belt whipping. The psychological play of my mom was horrible because she would put us in that doghouse early in the day for stupid things that didn't deserve a beating. That was an all-day fear build up until the monument our stepdad drove his car into the driveway. Now it became reality as he would go straight to the doghouse before anything and say to us how we just ruined his dinner, so we got extra whippings.
I was always angry towards my Stepdad, but I totally resented my mother for not protecting us. She in my mind is no better than the abuser himself. I never understood this but throughout my life I had many problems that other children didn't have which followed me into adulthood. Like I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with Manic episodes. I also had an accident after being kicked out of the home at the age of 16 and one week later ended up a car accident from drinking and driving. I was in a coma fighting for my life in ICU. My mom claim they were using something called tough love. There is so much more to add but I want to bring this full circle.

I thought I could bury the hatchet until two years ago I was diagnosed with Cancer which could have been avoided if my parents made sure we got our HPV shots. They were too cheap and didn't want to spend any money on us unless our limbs were hanging off. Now I face the fact of a re-occurrence because I have Metastasized cancer with a 4 cm tumor on my tonsil and spread to the left side of my neck. Let’s just say to make this simple the true colors come out in the end where my step farther had the balls to mention while I'm fighting for my life in the hospital that this was all in my bed in which I made.

Now I'm facing the fact that something much larger and obvious is at play here because my bipolar disorder has caused me to become super manic and way more depressive with thoughts of suicide. I can't talk to my mom or my dad about the truth, why because they don't want to get involved and shut me out by not returning my calls. I feel like I need to set them straight and cut them loose who is the real cancer in my life. I'm so angry that I want to make a public profile, so the entire family gets to see and know that I'm not allowing them to take this to my grave.

So, I must end this relationship in order to save my sole from being a coward for not standing up to my oppressor. All this needs to be done before I pass away. Otherwise, I won’t feel like I’m at peace within myself. In the meantime, I need to be hospitalized due to extreme duress and anxiety from my bipolar disorder which has been triggered by a life traumatizing event. I wish I had someone to help me or tell me what the right thing is to do. I tried the soft approach but just like every other time they give me the silent treatment or just won’t return my calls or text. What would you do if you were in my place? Anyone…….…..
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby Terry E. » Mon May 02, 2022 11:01 pm

One of the saddest posts I have read here. Yeah today they would both be in jail. I am in same boat and have told my mother that, got no reply, I think even back then if people had known we q"would have been removed but that was the wonderful swinging sixties, where women were beaten senseless and it was called a domestic and children could get tortured but unless you killed them they were just "accidents."

I will come back to this later, will think about all aspects of your situation.
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby Terry E. » Tue May 03, 2022 3:48 am

JusticeXI wrote:

So, I must end this relationship in order to save my sole from being a coward for not standing up to my oppressor. All this needs to be done before I pass away. Otherwise, I won’t feel like I’m at peace within myself. In the meantime, I need to be hospitalized due to extreme duress and anxiety from my bipolar disorder which has been triggered by a life traumatizing event. I wish I had someone to help me or tell me what the right thing is to do. I tried the soft approach but just like every other time they give me the silent treatment or just won’t return my calls or text. What would you do if you were in my place? Anyone…….…..



You were never a coward, you just had battles you could never ever win. Funny how that feeling of self loathing can creep in. Just some extra damage to carry.

Questions -
Are you married, do you have anyone who can now help with hospital shuffling.
Do you live with anyone, or by yourself.
How are your financial resources
All of the above is so I can give pragmatic advice.

Family questions
Why was your mum remarried-
Did your dad die, were they divorced, did he leave, cheat etc.
When did she marry your step father.

Oh and that doghouse thing is one of the cruellest things I have ever seen here since I joined 9 years ago. Not normal, sadistic in the extreme.
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby JusticeXI » Wed May 11, 2022 8:40 am

Questions -
1. Are you married, do you have anyone who can now help with hospital shuffling.
A: I'm not currently married but the hospital shuffling will have to be done by myself.

2. Do you live with anyone, or by yourself.
A: Live alone

3.How are your financial resources
A: Not good at all since I spent a large amount on a stupid business venture that didn't work out.

You: pragmatic advice.

Family questions
1. Why was your mum remarried-
A: I don't actually know that other than she found a hard working man who can pay the bills.

2. Did your dad die, were they divorced, did he leave, cheat etc.
A: He was forced into a divorce and then threaten to stay away or else.....He had two children with my mom my brother and I. He had to start a new relationship and had two more children in which I found one on-line being my half sister. Long story but way cool.

3. When did she marry your step father.
A: right away from what I know

I've been thinking about my last post and after reading it again I have decided not to play God or past judgment as that will be up to our heavenly farther and not my place to do so. How can I ascend up if I'm carrying anger and resentments? I must recognize my true divine state and ascend to it. Thus, while I am alive and my soul is trapped within my body I still have this desire to ascend upward above human consciousnesses through the divine Intellect. Although only part of my soul is capable of this and that is the upper half that is capable of intellect. The other half is of a material world and has attached itself to the pleasures of life or things that are physically beautiful and less painful, not knowing what we really need to make us one with the divine.

Beauty, love and intellect will be the path to take. Leaving behind all negative energy that will cloud our minds and stop us from ascension. We must be free from the very things we so possess and let our minds take us to a higher plane of intellect. I will let fate be my destiny and to know that we have no control over this part even though will have free will. Allowing fate to rule over us while we seek true happiness in which we must develop the right virtues of courage, honor, justice and moderation. This is what we all should be striving for and to know that not all will be able to ascend.

I must now go to the hospital not only for my mental state of mind but now as it may seem a new growth of cancer to deal with. I hope all can find this place of peace and beauty to rid yourselves of your resentments that only cause you to have a plague of the mind. FREE YOUR MIND FREE YOUR SOUL THROUGH THE WISDOM.
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Re: Do you Resent the Non-Abusive Parent for NOT Protecting You?

Postby Terry E. » Sun May 15, 2022 7:09 am

Thanks for your reply. It fits in with everything else I know. I admire your state of mind. After all the only thing we can really have any effect on is us.
I wish you the best.
Take care.

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