Our partner

Neglecting Mother

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

Moderator: Terry E.

Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum.

Neglecting Mother

Postby 2trueforancience » Sun Mar 08, 2015 8:29 pm

Hello all, im typing this very rapidly as i dont know whats going to happen to me so excuse the spelling errors. All my life my mother has treated me pretty poorly. I do not get good grades, and that is about it. I keep to myself at school and get around B's and C's in my grades. My mom takes this very personally. She has beaten many times with wooden sticks as well as belts. She calls me a virus to the household and frequently curses at me with words like "asshole" "shithead" "###$". I try to supress it but sometimes it really hurts. My dad is not influential at all in my house so he can not do much. Just recently I showed my 12 yr old brother how to co play Counter STrike. My mother figured this out a day ago and has SCREAMED very loudly at me. Scream is an understate ment. she bgan to throw things at me she wanted me to die. She said she wished i was never born and that i was ###$ to the whole family. She has cornered me in my room and im never too far from my phone to call 911. I think she truly loves me but she has no way to control her anger. Suicide and running away from home are options but i know they wont get me anywhere. I dont want to be placed in a foster home either so im so confused. please help.
2trueforancience
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 2:59 am
Local time: Wed Feb 24, 2021 9:43 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Neglecting Mother

Postby seabreezeblue » Mon Mar 09, 2015 10:43 am

hiya..

First of all, please keep yourself safe.. it sounds really really scary for you right now and i'm concerned for your safety.
It sounds like you've made a plan to call the police if things get immediately dangerous which is good but your overall living environment is incredibly and consistently harmful.
I know you don't like the idea of going into foster care but childrens services can be really really helpful and they don't take children away from their parents without a severely good reason.
First of all, they'd probably want to try and keep you in your family so would try and see if a relative could take you for the time being until your mother could make some changes and show that she can care for you appropriately.

Please do consider calling child services.. they're there to help you.

Where's your dad or grandparents? could they help?

xx
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
User avatar
seabreezeblue
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 5667
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:07 pm
Local time: Wed Feb 24, 2021 5:43 pm
Blog: View Blog (26)

Re: Neglecting Mother

Postby 2trueforancience » Tue Mar 10, 2015 1:05 am

Hi, i just got into a library. My dad is a fairly good guy, except he has almost no power or say in my household. Hes similiar to a bystander who watches from the sideline as he is scared if he intervenes teh trouble might go to him, and i don't blame him. I have no relatives that live close to me, my grandma lives in the middle east, and my uncles live across the country. The scary thing about my mother, is that she will go on nice periods, and mean periods. for the last few months she has been on her nice period where she acts *ok* and haas beein "fairly" nice to me (ie. not hitting me, giving me sever punishments) only verbal abuse. Halfway through last month she switched up and began to flip-flop. I thought it was because of something i had done or was doing, but i didn't notice anything and she refuses to talk to me. She will shake her head when she walks by or just act as if im not here. The idea of being "alone" is not too bad because im very used to it. Sometimes i just want to stand up and scream "TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT". I have an older sister in university who is an allstar student. Straight A's, and when she was in highschool she took 5-6 AP courses with a few jobs and tons of extracurriculars and volunteering. They at first specifically told me "if she could do it than you could do it" and always compared me to her. Now they tell me they dont compare me to her but its very obvious that they do and compared to her, i'm a total failure. The reason i never take any rash decision is because im generally grateful for those "nice" periods. I feel that if I wait for the storm to finish their will be arinbow on the other side, but i can only go through these periods for so long. Im a junior in high school and I tell myself its just a couple years left and then i can be gone for good (homefree) but sometimes in the midst of the storm im just not sure.
2trueforancience
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 2:59 am
Local time: Wed Feb 24, 2021 9:43 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Neglecting Mother

Postby Terry E. » Wed Mar 11, 2015 7:31 am

Firstly, I know you might not think so but you sound like you are holding up real well, in what is a very unpleasant, very difficult situation. Many others at this point are making poorer decisions. So congrats you sound like a strong level headed girl.

Next, it is very hard in these circumstances to have reasonable self esteem. I want you to remember that no matter what she yells at you, it is her problem not you. I know that this is incredibly hard right now, but it appears she should have counselling. If anyone suggested that she might explode, but again.. it is her .. not you.

I think what you are doing is your best strategy at the moment. I think you are aware of triggers and are trying to "play the game" .

How is your relationship with your sister ?? Does she ever intervene for you, in a passive way ?? Can you even just talk to her, so that you are getting the chance just to vent, and get it off your chest.

Also your grades might be Bs and Cs but if you can do those in this environment you are probably brighter than that.

When I was 12 four days before I entered an elite selective high school that I had worked very hard to get into, my mother imploded and wound up in an institution. My father had been driven out and my extended family hid what had happened and lied to the authorities. My brother and I looked after ourselves he was 15, for three months. It was a great three months as she was a monster. Only casualty was school. Doing everything plus school with no car around I missed some, when she came back she made sure I missed a bunch more, and by mid term exam I came 192nd out of 196. At that point my fate at that school was sealed, just 6 mths into a 6 year program, I was a dumb kid one who should not have made the cut. Gradually dragged myself up, barely matriculated, my home life was insane by any standards, but went through part time uni never failed (only 5% of grads pass everything part time) became a CPA run a very successful business.

What I found at Uni was that pressure beat many of the kids. It never worried me. If I could survive my home, this was easy.

Don't let this define you.

Stay strong, if you need to vent, we are always here.
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1784
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Wed Feb 24, 2021 5:43 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Neglecting Mother

Postby seabreezeblue » Thu Mar 12, 2015 11:05 am

I absolutely agree with Terry; you're doing amazingly well and sound like you've got a good strong mind there..
My grades when i was living with my parents and was in a very similar situation were awful.
I left school with Ds, Es and Fs in my exams.. I honestly thought I was thick but now I can see that actually, the issue was that the amount of stress caused by my situation made it impossible to concentrate and learn.
To get Bs and Cs with everything going on in your life is fantastic.

Just a thought here and i don't know if it fits with your situation but i was wondering if your older sister is ever actually told how well she's doing and what your mother thinks of her achievements..?
In this kind of family, the abusive parent usually tries to separate their children from sources of potential support.. it sounds like your mother could be trying to separate you from your sister by making you resent her.
Have you ever spoken to your sister about the stuff that your mother does.? It might be worth thinking about if not. All too often, each child of an abusive parent feels like they are completely and utterly alone with no-one to talk to that could understand.

I understand what you mean about it feeling like you're caught in the middle of a storm - your mother being nice must feel good but you must also feel like you're walking on eggshells constantly.. too scared to relax because you never know when the storm might hit again.

Please do keep your phone near you and please keep safe.. if things get too bad and you're scared then call the police to help you.

xx
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
User avatar
seabreezeblue
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 5667
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:07 pm
Local time: Wed Feb 24, 2021 5:43 pm
Blog: View Blog (26)

Re: Neglecting Mother

Postby 2trueforancience » Fri Mar 13, 2015 3:00 am

Hello, I just wanted to say when you said that I was trying to "play the game", you were spot on. I find what triggers her and shy away from them. I try to play in my head the future of a situation if do something, im very supersticious and paranoid. Ive thought up of so mnay situations in my head. My sister on the other hand, is in college far away and she is also "playing the game". My mom is toooo fond of her but she never goes on outrages because of her school excellence. I try to keep to myself to make situations not get out of hand but sometimes i feel it makes it worse. My mom trys to guilt trip me and it *used* to work alot. She would be like "i do this so that way you have an easy life when you grow up" "everything i do is because i love you" (she sais this after she hits me or grounds me or talks $#%^ (sorry for language) about me). When she was spanking my little brother a few days ago she kept saying, "LOOK WHAT YOUR BROTHER(ME) HAS DONE TO YOU. yOU GET HIT WHEN YOU TALK TO YOUR BROTHER. DONT TALK TO HIM, HE IS A BAD GUY A VIRUS!!!! A VIRUS!!!". The worst part is my brother will be crying and my mother will be screaming, and you know what im doing in the other room. Laughing, i find this funny. She thinks this will make me feel sad or mad, well im not going to bow down or give in. Whenever im in bad situations i tend to laugh it off or smile especially at the worst times. I find all this too funny for me. When my mom hits me or calls me an asshole, i smile and snicker to myself. I used to cry and feel sad, but i just dont know anymore. its hard to be around her sometimes. As of know she has calmed down, but i go straight from school to track and once i get home i just burry myself in my room. I havent done anything social outside in around 5 months but i never get too hung over, i talk to myself, but i feel now this "lauhging it off" and "talking ot myself" is catching upp to me. My head begins to thump and really feel like attacking her and punching or kicking her very hard or just running away. I used to get suicideal thoughts a LOT, but i stopped once i began to think that I should not pay for someone elses sins. AS of know im keeping to myself, keep myself busy with imgur.com and reddit. It helps a little
2trueforancience
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2015 2:59 am
Local time: Wed Feb 24, 2021 9:43 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Neglecting Mother

Postby Terry E. » Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:16 pm

I survived in a terrible household, by telling myself that I would not let her ruin my life, that would be letting her win. Stay strong your childhood has a huge effect on your life, but a much greater effect if you give up.

You say paranoid, are you paranoid or just cynical, or both ??

You mentioned Track, what event are you doing ..
Terry E.
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1784
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:22 am
Local time: Wed Feb 24, 2021 5:43 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Neglecting Mother

Postby EternalMystery » Wed May 27, 2015 1:10 pm

First of all, it is not your fault. You are not doing anything to cause it, you are not doing anything to deserve this. Your mother has a problem, what I don't know, but it is her problem that is causing her to act out this way, not you.

Don't try to figure out what triggers her, because it sounds like her outbreaks are random and you probably never will be able to figure it out.

As for your grades, they are excellent. A B and C is nothing to sneeze at. It's actually something to be proud of and considering everything you've been going through, is totally awesome. I have no doubt if you were out of this environment, you would get As, but even if you didn't, not everyone will get As and they aren't all they're cracked up to be. Grades only measure a very narrow range of learning styles and most people don't actually learn well in those styles.

As for your sister, you aren't meant to be your sister or live her life. You are meant to live yours.

I lived for over 20 years in a very toxic environment. I was never hit, but the emotional and psychological abuse left their marks. They are just as damaging and in some ways, more damaging than physical abuse, because there are no marks and the scars often don't heal. Seriously consider getting some kind of help for yourself, you mum and your whole family.
EternalMystery
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 107
Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 6:09 pm
Local time: Thu Feb 25, 2021 3:43 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Neglecting Mother

Postby Geeky_of_Borg » Sat May 30, 2015 12:45 am

I'm so sorry you're in this situation! I used to have to live in a miserable household with a verbally and emotionally abusive mother, and so I can sympathize. She never hit me when I was an adolescent, but she really let me have it as a kid, and the fear of physical harm never went away.

I know you don't want to go into foster care, and I understand why. Do you have friends who you might be able to stay with for a while? You might be surprised at whose mom and dad might be fine with you crashing for an extended period. Lots of middle aged adults remember very well what it was like to be abused as a teenager, and would be happy to take a mistreated teen in. And no, they won't all call the authorities. I wish I knew an exact formula for saying which parents would be likely to do this for you, but I don't. Often they're not perfect moms and dads. If they were abused as kids, they often are not 100% ideal parents. Their own kids may complain about them and perhaps assume they would never help you. They may be wrong.

The only way to find out may be to ask the parent of a good friend, "I don't want to have to go home. Can I crash here for a night or two?" If they lecture you about how you should go home and face the music, you know that this is not an adult who will understand you. If they get quiet and concerned and ask a bunch of questions, then maybe this is someone who can help. I know you're going to want to minimize your fears and tell them everything is fine, but try to be honest. You don't have to go into detail. Consider saying something like, "I'm kind of afraid of my mom right now." Then if they want more and more details, you can decline. A parent who can and will help you will hear an echo of what they once went through, and will move heaven and earth to get you safe, without necessarily calling the authorities.

I had a basketball coach in h.s. who practically begged us to tell him if we weren't okay at home, and I never told him the truth. I was afraid he'd look down on my family, or think I was just lying to get attention. To this day, I regret not telling him what was going on. I could have made life much better for myself and my younger sister if I'd gone to him. Please, don't be me. Tell some sensible adult who cares about you, and let that person help you. And if they're stupid and won't do anything, tell someone else. It doesn't have to be a huge, gory confession. "I'm afraid of my mom right now" will do it.

Take good care of yourself.
I have dissociative idendity disorder.

Dramatis personae:
Adults -- Melissa (waking personality), Peter, Rob, Nothing Woman
Teenager -- Jennifer
Children -- Abby, Robin
And a cast of thousands! ;)
Geeky_of_Borg
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Fri May 22, 2015 3:20 pm
Local time: Wed Feb 24, 2021 12:43 pm
Blog: View Blog (5)


Return to Child Abuse Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests