i was diagnosed with and rushed through treatment for stage 1b cervical cancer last year, ive had my cervix removed but i was lucky enough to keep my womb. I also had lymphs removed in my stomach. Both of these surgeries have left me with issues such as pain and difficulty with my legs and affected my day to day life very much with lots of silly little limitations. My depression has also been rearing its head more frequently since i was diagnosed and treated.
I'm currently in a massive flunk and relationship problems are making things worse. I have been lucky with my partner, he has been very supportive for the most part, but there are so many signs hes unhappy. He proposed after my second operation (which i was thrilled about as he knew i wanted to get married) but since then has stated that he felt pressured into it. This killed me, even though id mentioned it a few times i couldn't understand why hed ask if he didn't want to. Hes since changed his mind and said that's not what he ment but the damage is done.
Id like to stress that I'm still having tests every three months and am not in the clear, so I'm sensitive as it is....
Then recently, we've had some money troubles, which i know is a point every who suffers from cancer gets to. He has been providing for us both (he pays my phone bill and vets bills/pet food costs.) but i have moved back with my parents to ease the load on him. Because of this we see each other a couple of days a week at best.he tends to get very quiet and sulky if we don't see each other for more than a few days so every week in getting extended periods of the silent treatment while he struggles with the separation... But financially its much better for me to be here so here i stay. The trouble is my anxiety flare badly when he doesn't talk to me. I struggle badly to cope with it and end up having pretty manic episodes which is very draining when its every week. ... I just want a but of emotional support from him, i worry so much about my health and i feel so isolated when he ignores me, sometimes for days on end (he will speak to me again only if i text and call to the point i wear him down.) He tells me he doesn't know what to say hence the silence, ive told him i cant cope with this method but he slips back to it every time.it gets to the point every time this happens that u feel i don't want to carry on, after fighting this illness when it feels like even the person you love does not care how bad you feel... It makes me feel so isolated....
Then recently his ive felt pressured to work again (I'm out of work currently) but i don't feel ready at all, mentally or physically... I said that i would to try and help but admitted i don't really want to as i don't feel ready and he flew off the handle because 'i keep changing my mind' .. I'm applying and looking despite all of this and he doesn't seem to realise how big this is for me. I don't feel female let along human, and not ready for interviews, but ill try anyway as i don't want him to suffer. I'm currently getting the silent treatment for telling him i was upset because his nan (who suffers another illness that can be terminal if not managed properly) has been prodding and poking at me to get out to work and 'put this all behind me' ... Its not behind me, I'm still in it. Shes been very insistent and its really getting me down because now i feel his family feel I'm just money grabbing.
I'm trying so hard not to bombard him with texts and calls to 'fix' this tiff... I really want him to be the one who wants us to be ok.
This whole thing is killing me but i cant tell him that again... He doesn't listen, or maybe he doesn't care? I wish he could see and understand how much this is hurting me.