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How are you today? *TW*

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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby Priscilla13 » Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:01 pm

weepingwillow said:
Priscilla - The same thing keeps happening to me too! Only if its a longish post too. I've given up quite a few times lol. I didn't think about writting it out and copying it - good thinking!
I hope you are well


That is exactly what I am doing tonight, I hope this works better. I am doing better today.

Yesterday was not so good. I did happen to try eating something different for lunch ladyswan; I went to a place and got a veggie wrap. Well they changed how the wrap is prepared no squash, no zucchini…but a lot of hummus. It was not a good wrap! The place was small and noisy too. That did not make me happy at all. Work was very stressful and that caused a binge/purge. I have not done that in so long. I have a really hard time not getting frustrated when I am at work and something totally illogical happens, and then I try to explain the issues and what I perceive as a logical solution and no one seems to hear me, yet they expect for me to fix the problem when it happens. I think the household I grew up in was like that. No one ever seemed to hear me, and as I got older I seemed to be looked upon as the ‘fix it’ person, which was a role I never asked for.

I actually stopped the binge by rationalizing to myself that since it was that big of a binge, I could get rid of it faster. I am not sure if that is progress or not. In the past once I had started, there was no stopping mid way through. It doesn’t feel like progress though.
It is funny being stressed out by people can cause a binge….yet sometimes being very lonely can cause one too.

weepingwillow said:
Quite proud of myself today - i phoned my GP for my results!! They're all clear. I also got another appt for J on monday.
My friends came round for a while tonight, it was really great to see them and we had a good catch up. We've decided to go walking a few nights a week. I'm stopping smoking tomorrow! Really looking forward to it, i hate it and i really can't afford it anymore!


Wow willow it sounds like you had a very productive day. Yay! that your test results cam make good and that you have your appointment for I am assuming working with someone regarding your eating disorder. Quitting smoking is a great goal to have..you can do it!

It is always nice when good things happen. I think that during times in my life when I was really happy, my eating disorder was not such a problem. Made me wonder when was the last time that I felt joy, I mean that exciting and really happy feeling. I think it was six months ago when I saw someone important to me that I had not seen in a while. Before that it was probably several years.

So I was wondering…what about the rest of you..when was the last time that you feel joyfully happy? What caused it and do you find that joy is also lacking from your life?

I’m sure most of us for one reason or another have different issues that we need to resolve in our lives and I think having stress but not much joy always makes it harder for me to fight my eating disorder. I suppose when I have little control over other parts of my life, I seek to control things with my binge/purge cycles as well as deal with emotions I find uncomfortable. Anyone else feel the same?

I hope you all have a good day or night depending on which side of the pond that you are on.
P.
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby weepingwillow » Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:40 pm

Hey everyone, I hope you are all well.

Priscilla - Sorry yesterday wasn't too good for you and that you binged/purged. Don't be too hard on yourself, You were stressed at work, you tried to eat something new and weren't in a quiet place the way you like. Thats a lot all in one day.

I know what you mean about being the 'fix it' person, I'm that person in my family etc.

Stopping a binge is definately progress!! You say yourself, in the past there was no stopping it so thats great! :mrgreen: Remember its little changes!

J is the woman i see at the Eating disorder charity. I have an appt with the cpn tomorrow morning, not sure how its going to go. I haven't smoked today and it hasn't been too hard, i've been staying really busy. I stopped for 5 months last year, only started again in november! I didn't find it too hard last time so hopefully this time will go just aswell :mrgreen:

I've had moments of happiness over the years, it never seems to last very long tho and its always immediately followed by really bad depression. The last time i felt joy was actually today when i found out my mums cancer has not come back! :mrgreen: Its such a relief.

I agree having stress and not much joy makes it harder to fight, i guess its just a matter of finding better ways to cope with the stress and finding joy wherever you can. sounds simple...

((Hugs)) everyone :D
Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby Minerva10 » Fri Feb 01, 2013 8:07 am

Hi all, to me days start pretty well every day. Even if I know that the dark moment will be arriving at some point, I try not to focus my attention on this thought. I try to be positive planning the activities I would like to concentrate myself on and I almost always manage to start them...and then...then I notice that I cannot concentrate for long. Half an hour, an hour max. It seems to me that my mind kind of become rebellious at the idea of having me doing something healthy that I enjoy. Sad thoughts and depressive feelings start to crack in, sinking very deep so fast that in few minutes I find myself shopping for large quantity of the food I like and hate at the same time. On the street I constantly say to myself things like: "This will be the last time" knowing that in the end everything will be passed soon and that the following day I'll be on the same spot. Yes, I constantly lie a sweet and poisonous story to myself. In truth, I don't feel hungry and I evidently don't cook with love. I feel like I'm daily fightind the emptiness of the mind, of the dreams I don't belive in anymore and possibly against a very low self esteem. By looking at and talking to me people never guess I feel this way.

Is there anyone who shares the same pattern of behaviour?

So, this morning I feel ok, not too good not too bad. I have things to do. I will do them. I'm not sure for how long I will last without getting sick. I like the saying "Do it or not do it, there is no try" and I believe it's applicable to me. I'm still just trying and obviously failing. What do I need to have the courage to say "DON'T!" once and for all?
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby jilkens » Sat Feb 02, 2013 2:18 am

*hugz* for all of you!

I've been ridiculously busy with a move. It's hard to pack everything, move it, and unpack & organize everything by myself with a toddler in tow :| On the bright side, I built up some muscles in my arms & legs. Until I'm completely settled in I'm going to feel stressed. I think the same drive that cheers on an eating disorder also perpetuates anxiety in situations that are messy or take long to accomplish.

This thread is amazing and people are sharing so many good insights. I'm going to sticky it.
Blame it on me, but know that I won't regret one iota.
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby Priscilla13 » Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:04 am

Hello Everyone!

Thank goodness I began to type my post in Microsoft Word after I logged in, because when I went to hit reply to post, I got kicked out!

I highly advise anyone who is writing something that takes a bit of time to try this!

weepingwillow said:
The last time i felt joy was actually today when i found out my mums cancer has not come back! Its such a relief.
i guess its just a matter of finding better ways to cope with the stress and finding joy wherever you can. sounds simple...


Wow willow that is such wonderful news and certainly worthy of some huge amounts of joy! I have been able to find contentment at times, but joy is much more elusive.

Minerva said:
This will be the last time" knowing that in the end everything will be passed soon and that the following day I'll be on the same spot. Yes, I constantly lie a sweet and poisonous story to myself. In truth, I don't feel hungry and I evidently don't cook with love. I feel like I'm daily fightind the emptiness of the mind, of the dreams I don't belive in anymore and possibly against a very low self esteem. By looking at and talking to me people never guess I feel this way.


Yes Minerva, I have at times felt that way. I think that telling ourselves that “this is the last time!” is something that we have all done. Being hungry has very little to do with a binge. I really don’t even like food that much, and am a very plain eater.

I think that this emptiness of the mind and dreams that you don’t believe in are creating a void. This can make a person feel very anxious. When there is a ‘hole’ in a part of a person’s life that they do not know how to deal with, it is not uncommon to develop different compulsive behaviors to divert one’s attention from the pain of dealing with those feelings and to ease the anxiety.

Many of us have perfectionistic personalities. It is not easy to let people see that we have this issue, because it certainly goes against what one thinks of as perfect. Wearing a mask and pretending that everything is great, while inside having such contrasting feelings can be very draining. The only person who may have at times wondered if I had an eating disorder was my Mother. Besides that most people perceive me to be an energetic, self confident and basically just all around ‘together’ person. When in fact I am not, I just work very hard to portray that I am.

Minerva said:
What do I need to have the courage to say "DON'T!" once and for all?


I really do not think this is about courage. I think that you are being too hard on yourself. What is hard, but at the root of an eating disorder, is addressing the things that are causing it. I tried for years and years to just say, “I will not do this any more!” But it took me working with a therapist to identify what things were creating the void in my life and finding different ways to deal with the feelings that sense of emptiness was causing.

Not all of the issues are fixed, but allowing myself to feel the sadness or anger as opposed to going into a binge trance was a big step in lessening both the binges themselves as well as the severity.

When you are in the process of buying the food, instead of telling yourself that this is the last time, could you try just stopping for a moment, being in a quiet place and allow those feelings of sadness or whatever the feeling is, to just be?

During those times could you try saying to yourself something like, “I am feeling really sad now. I am not hungry and my body does not even want this food. I am trying to ignore these feelings by preparing for and then engaging in this binge. Instead I am going to sit here for 5 minutes and ‘feel’ these feelings instead of trying to block them out.” In the statement below you reference trying not to focus your attention on dark thoughts. I think that perhaps you should try to feel what you are feeling, not doing so could be leading to the binge/purge cycle. You are anticipating binging and pushing those thoughts away. Instead, try thinking about them.

Minerva said:
Even if I know that the dark moment will be arriving at some point, I try not to focus my attention on this thought.


I know that seems really hard, and it can be when you first start trying to do this. The binge/purge cycle can almost feel like an out of body experience, almost like the person engaging in the behavior is not present. I find that forcing myself to stay present helps with the binges.
This is one technique that I have used. Although I did not know it when I started trying this, it is like cognitive behavioral therapy. Since you are having a difficult time finding a professional to help you with your eating disorder, perhaps you could try this technique!

Thank you for posting in this thread and sharing your story. I think that by writing our stories that it forces us to begin to address our feelings with other human beings, yet in a ‘safe’ way. It takes people participating in order to engage with one another.
Just remember you are not alone, we all struggle too.

ladyswan said:
I think the same drive that cheers on an eating disorder also perpetuates anxiety in situations that are messy or take long to accomplish.


Good luck getting settled, that is such a chore! I completely agree with you about this! I get very anxious in those situations, even at times just looking at any clutter in my house makes me feel anxious and like I just have to do something and some times that something is to binge/purge. I feel out of control and so I have to do something that in that moment feels like it is in my control. Ironically I am not in control at those times at all!

This thread was an amazing idea, kudos willow! :)

Hugs to All! We can get through this!
P.
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Eleanor Roosevelt
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby weepingwillow » Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:14 am

Hey everyone,
I hope you are all well :D

Minerva10 wrote:Hi all, to me days start pretty well every day. Even if I know that the dark moment will be arriving at some point, I try not to focus my attention on this thought. I try to be positive planning the activities I would like to concentrate myself on and I almost always manage to start them...and then...then I notice that I cannot concentrate for long. Half an hour, an hour max. It seems to me that my mind kind of become rebellious at the idea of having me doing something healthy that I enjoy. Sad thoughts and depressive feelings start to crack in, sinking very deep so fast that in few minutes I find myself shopping for large quantity of the food I like and hate at the same time. On the street I constantly say to myself things like: "This will be the last time" knowing that in the end everything will be passed soon and that the following day I'll be on the same spot. Yes, I constantly lie a sweet and poisonous story to myself. In truth, I don't feel hungry and I evidently don't cook with love. I feel like I'm daily fightind the emptiness of the mind, of the dreams I don't belive in anymore and possibly against a very low self esteem. By looking at and talking to me people never guess I feel this way.

Is there anyone who shares the same pattern of behaviour?

I can relate to most of this. Its almost identical to how my days go most of the time.
How did the rest of your day go? I hope it was a good one :D

ladyswan wrote:I've been ridiculously busy with a move. It's hard to pack everything, move it, and unpack & organize everything by myself with a toddler in tow :| On the bright side, I built up some muscles in my arms & legs. Until I'm completely settled in I'm going to feel stressed. I think the same drive that cheers on an eating disorder also perpetuates anxiety in situations that are messy or take long to accomplish.

This thread is amazing and people are sharing so many good insights. I'm going to sticky it.

I remember moving when my daughter was a toddler, I thought i would never get things organised! I hope you get settled in quickly without too much stress.
Thanks for making this thread a sticky :D

Priscilla - How are you doing? I hope you are having a good day :D

Today has been a little stressful but i still haven't smoked so i'm proud of myself for that! 3 days so far :wink: I think my cold is starting to lift a bit too. I slept pretty well last night but doesn't look like i'm going to get much tonight :roll: I'm off work tomorrow tho so i can relax most of the day :mrgreen:

((Hugs)) to you all and everyone else
Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby weepingwillow » Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:49 pm

I hope everyone is doing ok ((Hugs)) to you all!

I've had an ok day, i think i had maybe 2 hours sleep this morning but that has been it. I felt ok today tho, not tired or anything so i went for a nice long walk with my music on. It was great! I forgot how much i love doing that! i'm going to get up early tomorrow and go again.
My friends called round for a cup of tea and a chat aswell, i was finding it hard to concentrate on the conversation tho. I think they noticed, they didn't stay long :oops: they were ok tho, it was nice to see them again.

Take care all :D
Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby Minerva10 » Sun Feb 03, 2013 6:17 pm

Hello there,
my Sun. has been eventless so far. I didn't sleep very well but I woke up as usual and managed to study a bit. I went to my parents for lunch and it was lovely. Obviously the portion of my food was very small (just vedgy) but I really enjoyed the being all together. I was even able to almost forget what I was eating and asked for a bite of salmon. :) Besides, when I saw my mother cooking with such love the thing I asked, I felt my heart drop to the floor. I would have loved to hug her and tell her: "I'm good now, I truly am". Jeez, if I think of it I start crying even now, becuase, u see, everything that my family got trough is passed, ended, closed and I don't resent anything anymore to anyone. I actually love all of them dearly. Yet, I've been left with a package of s*** (hope not to be reprimended :wink: ) to deal with on my own. Sometimes I think I could be represented by the remains of a city that survived a war. All conflicted sentiments are over and people want to build up their future of prosperity...but it's a long process and in the meantime they will have to live their life among the rest of what is no-more: an uncomfortable and hard existence norished only by a hope.
So...in the end...of course...well...you know...pathetic eh?

Hug you all!
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby Priscilla13 » Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:11 pm

Hi Everyone!

willow I responded to your pm, I hope that you got it. That was good advice, I'll try it instead of losing my posts!! And good job with not smoking! :mrgreen:

This weekend has not been too bad. I have noticed something, well I think I may have known it but now I really know it.

It is not good for me to stay in my pajamas for very long after I get up. If I do and just think that I will lay on the couch for a minute, getting motivated is hard.

If I get up at around my normal time, work out and shower then I find that I can be much more productive and I can allow myself a little break too.

I basically set the tone for my day within the first 30 minutes of waking up. If I sleep in, then it has the same affect on making it hard to be motivated. Apparently mid morning like 9-11 am is my least motivated time of the day,

Sometimes it is kind of a bummer because other people seem to be able to ease in to their days. But I guess it is better to know!

Hope everyone is doing well!
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Re: How are you today? *TW*

Postby weepingwillow » Mon Feb 04, 2013 5:13 pm

Hi everyone, i hope you are all well.

Priscilla - I didn't get your pm.
Priscilla13 wrote: getting motivated is hard.

If I get up at around my normal time, work out and shower then I find that I can be much more productive and I can allow myself a little break too.

I basically set the tone for my day within the first 30 minutes of waking up. If I sleep in, then it has the same affect on making it hard to be motivated.

I find im the same, if i get a good start im more motivated to get more done through the day.

My appt with J was pretty hard today, got me thinking alot. We've started looking at setting goals, im hoping having little things to aim for will help.
My cold has decided to come back with a vengance! My daughter is staying with her dad tonight so i can try to get some sleep. My sleeping seems like its getting worse!

((Hugs)) and take care everyone!
Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
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