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I don't know what's going on

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I don't know what's going on

Postby lolav626 » Mon Jul 06, 2020 6:59 am

**Just a disclaimer this is my first time posting on here so please let me know if there is a more appropriate forum for this post.**

***Also I want to apologize if this post seems rambly or disorganized, it's pretty hard to collect my thoughts but I will try to edit it so it makes more sense hopefully***

As the title says, I don't know what's going on. More specifically, what's going on inside my head. I feel like my thought processes are completely f-ed (as opposed to only being slightly f-ed before), and am fairly certain that I have lost a substantial amount of brain cells as of recent. In the past, I felt that at least sometimes I would be able to form coherent thoughts and carry on an intelligent conversation without constant breaks or moments where I dissociate (?) completely and forget what I was trying to say, but now it is very hard for me to have normal conversations without my brain "lagging" or "logging out". I've always struggled with my mental health, but now is it worse than ever and it couldn't have happened at a worse time. Here's some context.

A little over a month ago I took some lsd. I'm not sure how much, I just know I took a gel tab and an additional quarter of a tab. This was actually my second time taking acid, and the reason I decided to take it again was that my first time was a pretty good experience. My first trip actually gave me "artistic inspiration" and therefore caused me to completely change my art style, and I went from drawing girls to alien/bacteria-like creatures with vivid colors and complex landscapes. Of course I was excited about this so I was definitely open to trying it again. However, the second time I didn't come out of so good.

I have a family history of mental illness - my mother was diagnosed with manic bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia on my father's side (I'm not sure if he had schizophrenia because I never really knew him, but I know his brother did and a couple other family members). I don't believe in self-diagnosing, but afters several years suffering internally and trying to figure out what exactly makes my brain function the way it does, I realized that I identified most with borderline personality disorder. Long story short, I've never been diagnosed because of financial reasons, with a most recent exception (which I'll get to later on).

Despite my history of poor mental health, I didn't believe that taking acid would have a negative effect on me. Besides, I had already tried it once and had a good time, what was going to stop me from doing it again? I had done my research and I was aware that bad trips could happen, but I never expected these kinds of results.

---THE TRIP---
I won't go into the weird thoughts going on in my head during my trip, but I will try to explain how I felt towards the end (which I think is what possibly fueled some of my newfound fears/source of paranoia). I took the acid during a group trip with my boyfriend and some of his friends, so I was a bit nervous about taking it practically in front of strangers, but having my boyfriend there helped calm me down. The first eight hours or so were intense, but nothing that made me feel unsafe or scared. In fact, I felt what could only be described as euphoria and immense love for my partner, who was by my side during the entire experience. However, things took a turn when day turned to night.

My boyfriend and I rode with one of his friends and his girlfriend, but the friend that we rode with sometimes made me feel uncomfortable (not his fault, he is autistic and tends to say whatever is on his mind, which I get, I'm just an incredibly sensitive person, unfortunately), and the same with his girlfriend. Overall they were pretty nice, I was just tripping on acid and any awkward/uncomfortable feelings I had when I was around them were only intensified, so what was a chill car ride slowly turned bad for me.

As we were driving I could feel my perception of reality slowly withering away, and as I looked around at my surroundings, the more detached everything felt... although I was getting visuals throughout the trip, they stopped being so "fun" and my vision felt similar to a fish-eye lens, or if I were looking at a panorama. I slowly began to feel fear, and it was hard not to let these things overwhelm me. I questioned whether or not I was real, or if the experience was entirely simulated (sounds stupid I know).

I started to feel like I was not a real human being and rather an entirely simulated entity who was only experiencing "life" the way "my controllers" wanted me to. It's very hard to explain my thought process, but I felt like the entire car ride was a digital rendering and that everyone in the car, including me, was not physically real... like I could be "unplugged" at any moment and would wake up somewhere, with only memories that turned out to be purely simulated experiences (which made up my entire lifetime). I would go in and out of this way of thinking, constantly trying to reassure myself that I was only freaking out because I took a little too much acid and just needed to redirect my thoughts so I wouldn't focus on the negative ones.

I would squeeze my boyfriend's hand and try and talk with him in an effort to regain some control to my thoughts, but I just couldn't seem to make it stop. There was also an instance where my boyfriend was trying to lead us to a secluded spot with a nice view overseeing the city, and during the trip there we drove through what seemed like a maze of trees and random roads that went up and down and never seemed to end (100% the acid), and this scared the s--t out of me. I was so afraid that the "simulation" was stuck in a time-loop (and it didn't help that it seemed like he kept repeating the same words over and over "turn here" "it's only a little farther") and that I couldn't escape.

When we finally reached our destination (to my relief), everyone got out of the car and just stood in awe of the city lights - still tripping. However, I couldn't focus on the pretty lights because I was still freaking out. Then I looked up. And that's what really ###$ me up. Looking into the night sky filled with stars did not give me comfort or a sense of wonderment... I was absolutely terrified. I could see the way the earth curved at the top, and how the stars descended slowly down the "walls" - I felt trapped, like in a globe or a marble (sorry not sure how else to put it). I felt awful and like I couldn't breathe. I looked again at the people around me, and I felt as if my entire life wasn't real. Like they weren't real, I wasn't real, and someone outside of this "globe" was watching me as I helplessly came to realization that my entire life was lie. As someone who had never experienced this before, I felt scared to my core. I didn't know how to process any of what I was feeling, so I pleaded that we go home. My boyfriend was obviously concerned (but still tripping himself), so his friend drove us home.

When we finally reached my boyfriend's apartment, I felt a small sense of relief, since I was familiar with my surroundings (and I got to pet his cat which helped ground me to reality a bit). However, once we got into bed and started watching a show, I began to feel myself questioning again. I'm not quite sure how exactly the night ended, but I think we were both incredibly exhausted (we had spent majority of the day outside, in the sun and tripping), so thankfully we fell asleep.

The days following my trip were what made me question whether it was just a "bad trip" or if this was my new reality. The first day all I did was sleep. And when I woke up, I felt like absolute $#%^. I would only cry and try to force myself back to sleep by smoking weed. The following day was the same, extremely tired and sad. I think I ended up staying at my boyfriend's apartment 3-4 days following the trip because I felt so incapable... I felt like some part of me had died. The only thing the was holding me together and preventing me from completely freaking out was my partner. He had been there for me through it all, and he was the only thing grounding me. So when it finally came my time to head back home, I was devastated.

For some reason leaving him in my mind was the worst thing to ever happen, and I began sobbing uncontrollably the minute I got to my car. I didn't know why I was so incredibly sad, or why I was crying so much. I later realized that I was using him as an emotional crutch, because without having him by my side or in the same area made me question everything and it scared me to death. I eventually went home, but I felt so scared. I was constantly looking around trying to make sure I was real, my surroundings were real, and that I wasn't still tripping. And I cried... constantly. I think it was the most I've cried in a long time... which is saying something.

In additional to all these "fun" new fears and feelings of paranoia, I started to pick up old habits again - bad ones at that. I won't get into it but I used to be a $#%^ person basically and an even shittier girlfriend... and I felt myself slowly thinking that way again. All my insecurities were put in the spotlight, and any irrational thoughts I had trained myself into ignoring came flooding back. It was all around just not a good time.

The feelings of paranoid and fear were so intense that I eventually went back to stay with my boyfriend for a while and tried to sort things out inside my head... and that's all I really remember. Truth be told I don't remember anything after the few days following my trip until a couple weeks ago when I guess I decided I needed professional help.

I had always wanted help for aforementioned problems, but these new ones definitely gave me a reason to actually seek psychiatric care. Desperate for immediate help, I admitted myself to a mental health clinic and asked for partial hospitalization so I would have the choice to go home in the evenings and on weekends (when I had hoped to visit my boyfriend and hopefully show him my improvement from week to week). I was approved and my first day I attended group therapy and visited a psychiatrist.

The doctor who saw me told me that during our conversation, he recognized rapid eye movement and a staggered speech pattern, which I hadn't realized I was displaying. I decided to tell him about my lsd trip because in my mind it had a direct impact on how I function now, and he told me that it was his professional opinion that I had an "acute brain injury" and he prescribed me resperidone ( a very low dose at that).

Unfortunately, I had to stop treatment after my first day due to financial reasons (go figures), but I still had the meds he prescribed me. I am now about two weeks on risperidone and I'm not sure how I feel. I had a "break" I suppose a few days ago where my mood swings were so uncontrollable that I had to call my boyfriend while he was at work and talked with him for over an hour until I calmed down, but I'm not sure that means the meds aren't working. I think it'd be fair to say I feel better than I did only a few weeks ago, but I still struggle with my emotions, and whenever I see/hear anything I associate with the trip or my inner feelings it becomes overwhelming... which is why I was so desperate to tell someone... anyone.

I'm not sure what my goal was here, I don't think I wrote this to ask for advice, but it is always nice to know there are others who feel the way I do, or at least those who experience similar issues. I hope this was somewhat readable, and if you read the entire thing, thank you. It was very hard for me to write this down because I tried to remember everything I experienced/felt and it doesn't feel very awesome to relive it, but I wanted to try and form some semblance of a recollection, at least for therapeutic reasons.

I guess to make this more forum-appropriate and less like a blog post, let me know if you have experienced something similar, or just respond with your weird brain $#%^... honestly I don't have many people to talk to so any interaction is appreciated. Thanks for listening, and sorry if none of this makes sense... but to be fair I don't feel like anything does anymore.
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