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8 Years & No Answer - Can Anyone Help?

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8 Years & No Answer - Can Anyone Help?

Postby MarlaSinger » Wed Oct 22, 2014 12:20 pm

Hi, Apologies for the length of this post! :roll:
Ive self managed Depression/Anxiety for 8 years now. Ive tried a lot of therapies; numerous counselling, support groups, forums, hypnosis, CBT...none work because I believe my mindset is too strongly set and so I chose to self manage.
Last year for the first time I felt almost 99% better (I don't believe it will ever go) but one of the symptoms I was still suffering with was a constant reminder, which became frustrating. :evil:
It was mentioned to me by a GP years ago that it may be a slight symptom of Psychosis.

Unfortunately I've slipped back recently and have gone back to my GP to be assessed by a psychiatrist, although have been told this will take months to be seen.
My GPs diagnosis of Depression was by the means of a regular 'tick list' of how I felt i.e. low...to me this didn't feel like any way to 'diagnose' the complexities I was going through.

When I went through CBT the therapist was baffled by me, he said he'd never met anyone with such acute symptoms yet whom appeared so highly functioning? He spent a lot of his time between our sessions trying to research what he thought I could have been experiencing...Schizophrenia, Psychosis, he couldn't 'place' me.

I know people on here aren't doctors and you can't diagnose me, but I'm hoping for some help in discussing what people with similar experiences may think this is I'm suffering with?

My Symptom:
Throughout the day, at anytime of day, I can be anywhere, doing anything...I get what I have called hallucinations. Each are very brief, a minute max probably.
They are always violent, I'm witnessing violence on another person, I'm committing the violence on another person or I'm the one being attacked etc. On the odd occasion I can also imagine animal cruelty or random acts of horrifically violent/aggressive scenes.
I physically and emotionally feel involved in these scenes when I have them, it IS as though I am in that very situation for that moment.
When its over its like Ive 'snapped' out of it and back into the real world. But due to the nature of these I'm left shaken, emotional, or physically tense. (Sometimes my fist is clenched ready to fight off the imagined attackers!)
I then know these aren't real and this didn't really happen. For this reason Drs have told me these are therefore NOT hallucinations/delusions...but they don't tell me what they ARE?
Sometimes I even then consciously 'carry' these scenes on, I don't know why id do that but I do sometimes.
A small aspect I have picked up on myself if I've noticed I've heard a sudden sound just before I have one.

Ive never been attacked, never attacked anyone, never witnessed anything like this etc.

I have been signed off work for the last 2 weeks now with my Depression (for the first time in 5 years) I've been indoors all this time and I don't actually think I've had one 'hallucination'?

I do struggle with social anxiety, I don't know how severe this is compared to people whom I'm sure can't even work or be out in public etc yet obviously I can and do this, but I struggle with it daily in most situations.
I feel like a very complex individual, I feel like two completely different people sometimes.
Im extremely obsessive, paranoid, jealous, hypersensitive if this helps!

Im hoping someone out there has been through similar to help discuss this?
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Re: 8 Years & No Answer - Can Anyone Help?

Postby MarlaSinger » Mon Oct 27, 2014 9:08 am

Obviously not :(
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Re: 8 Years & No Answer - Can Anyone Help?

Postby tehdoc0 » Mon Oct 27, 2014 9:43 am

Hadn't even seen this post until you bumped it today.

What you're experiencing doesn't sound delusional. It's possible that you're experiencing hallucinations, you don't have to believe in them for them to be hallucinations. Most schizophrenia sufferers know their hallucinations aren't real at least some of the time. It would be like me believing everything the voices tell me, just not realistic. Anyway, do you actually see these images as if it were a real life scenario being played out in front of you, or is it more of an internalisation, a highly vivid thought process?

I regularly have fantasies involving extreme violence towards others that are very vivid, wouldn't class them as hallucinations though.

MarlaSinger wrote: When I went through CBT the therapist was baffled by me, he said he'd never met anyone with such acute symptoms yet whom appeared so highly functioning? He spent a lot of his time between our sessions trying to research what he thought I could have been experiencing...Schizophrenia, Psychosis, he couldn't 'place' me.


And he shouldn't have been able to place you. Therapists are in no way, shape, or form psychiatrists and do not have the power or ability to diagnose. Ignore anything you were told until you see a shrink. Also, what are the acute symptoms you mention? This needs more elaboration as you previously referred to just a possible "slight symptom of psychosis".
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S Thompson
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Re: 8 Years & No Answer - Can Anyone Help?

Postby MarlaSinger » Mon Oct 27, 2014 10:09 am

Thanks, I thought the bump may give it another try..
Interesting to know you don't have to 'believe' to be hallucinations, Drs told me not to refer to them as either delusions nor hallucinations so I was left not knowing what to think.
I kept Googling 'symptoms of depression' and there were mentions of 'delusions' in severe depression but like you say I couldn't determine what I'm having without a professional and no professional seemed to be helping me.

Thats a very difficult point to address actually - do I actually see the images as if a real life scenario or a highly vivid though process... I wouldn't know how to tell the difference there? I would be inclined to say highly vivid thought process as it does feel almost like a 'process' hence sometimes I do 'consciously' choose to carry them on after Ive already realised I just had one and it wasn't real? And maybe this is why they are sometimes triggered by a sound? I am definitely not where I physically am when I have them though, but could this also feel the same for a vivid thought process I don't know?

I was referencing to acute symptoms of depression, in terms of being suicidal, and all the cherries on top that is symptomatic of depression, don't really want to list all these. Therapists almost wouldn't believe I could function day to day as well as I was, putting myself in the situations I struggled with daily and feel this way...even if they were just saying that to make me feel better, the thought that I was coping did give me some hope that I was doing ok though it all.
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Re: 8 Years & No Answer - Can Anyone Help?

Postby tehdoc0 » Mon Oct 27, 2014 10:28 am

Well from what you've said, I don't think you're experiencing hallucinations (remember I am not qualified to say either way, just the opinion of someone with experience), rather closer to something called Intrusive thoughts. These can be frightening or distressing to some people as they are very alien in nature. Maybe follow the link, have a read and let us know if you think that sounds like what you're experiencing.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S Thompson
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Re: 8 Years & No Answer - Can Anyone Help?

Postby MarlaSinger » Mon Oct 27, 2014 11:05 am

Thanks, again interesting to read about. It does sound like what I'm having although it references to these thoughts as being from a first person point of view? Im wondering if that is inclusive as I have these experiences about seeing complete strangers attacked etc?

Also interesting about the link with obsessions...when I was younger I would say to myself (although it felt like someone else or like the devil on my shoulder was saying it) 'if you don't count the slabs on the pavement from left to right in a certain pattern then 'this person' will die'. I don't do this anymore, but I believe I have an obsessional personality - eating the same food constantly for months and months, listening to the same song on continuous play hundreds of times, cleanliness and everything being in its right place, at the correct angle, absolute perfection must be achieved etc. But this doesn't effect me like I've seen others effected by OCD etc, it can make me stressed but I am able to fulfil my obsessions easily.

I don't feel like I pay much attention to these thoughts though, especially not after so many years, so I'm not sure why they are continuing. I am so used to them now, I have been trying to keep a log of them and their content for when I do go and see the psychiatrist, but even this is consciously difficult to do when I'm used to pushing them aside.
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Re: 8 Years & No Answer - Can Anyone Help?

Postby tehdoc0 » Mon Oct 27, 2014 11:47 am

MarlaSinger wrote:I don't feel like I pay much attention to these thoughts though, especially not after so many years, so I'm not sure why they are continuing. I am so used to them now, I have been trying to keep a log of them and their content for when I do go and see the psychiatrist, but even this is consciously difficult to do when I'm used to pushing them aside.


You're paying enough attention to them that you feel you need to discuss them on a forum, even if just for clarification. Keeping a diary of all occurrences is a good idea if you're going to visit a pdoc. Anything that you think troubles you should be discussed, the OCD-type issues, the depression, the thoughts and probably a load of other things you haven't listed on here. The more the shrink knows about you, the better your options will be.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S Thompson
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