Humiliating psychotic episodes

Hi everyone,

This is my first time on this forum, or any forum in general. I have been dwelling on something that happened years ago and I don't know how to let go. It involves a guy that I fell in love with.

So for years I knew of this local poet who won international championships, he was like a god to us in this small youth poetry organization in Seattle. I realized he worked at the cafe I went to often. I thought to myself, if I ever get the confidence to say hello to him, I'm going to tell him that I admire his poetry. So the day finally came when I approached him, over Facebook..., and well, we went on a date and texted for a couple weeks. I don't know what happened but things didn't go anywhere but I was still completely stuck on him. I practically lived at the cafe. For three years we'd have this vague friendship with multiple conflicts. This is before I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type I and had no signs of mental illness.

What I'm humiliated about is the things I did when I was in psychosis. And that he still hates me and probably has no respect for me. First, this was a mild one, I wrote a ridiculously insane letter and sent it to his other workplace at a bookstore. I think I was acting like a cosmic god in the letter and that he was to be punished by me or something like that.

I really despised him for saying nonsensical riddles every time we spoke. He knew that I was in agony trying to figure him out, yet he would say things that would drive anyone who cares enough crazy. He told me that he was a gypsy when I asked him who he was, he told me that he was my imaginary friend, he said that he was rich (when he's a ######6 poet working at a cafe), would repeat in question "time" whenever I said the word "time", and one time he asked me if I was there when he did something weird at the cafe when we both knew that I was not present at all. I've always been way too open with spiritual possibilities. I don't know exactly how but soon I would start to believe that he was God.

Then there came the actual first bipolar psychotic episode where I had hallucinations of him. Fortunately my craziness was quiet during this episode. He just saw me act oddly, dress oddly, and sleep with odd people.

Then last summer I began to hear voices for the first time. It was his voice. This voice told me to follow him after work and sit right beside him. I actually did it. He immediately dashed out the restaurant and all of his friends looked at me.

A couple days before that I went up to him while he was working at the cafe. Well, before that I was at home being the Virgin Mary and giving birth to him, thus a rebirth. So the voice told me to go to his work and ask him if he remembered me. I thought he wouldn't since he was born again. He said angrily, "Yeah I'm _____ and you're ________" and I was just devastated. Later on the voice of him would say sorry and that he was just kidding.

It's been a year since he 86'd me from all the places he frequented. He's now friends with a friend of mine and I get anxious about whether they talk about me. I'm still helplessly in love with him, like a ######6 idiot. I hate him. But my brain still releases love chemicals when I think about him so I think that means I do. But honestly I hate him and I don't care about him but I do care about what these people, I must admit, who are cool, fashionable, artistically talented, charming, intellectual people think about me.

It would be great to hear similar stories or ways of coping with embarrassment. Thank you for reading!

Hi jujujinju,
Thanks for sharing your experience and welcome to psych forums. I had a psychotic episode triggered by stressful events and falling in love with a girl for the first time. I have recently got this confirmed as dissociative symptoms, since my depression would go away when I was with the girl, and come back when I was apart from her. Falling in love for the first time lifted me up, but also caused hypomanic symptoms to occur.
We split up after 11 months as I was not ready for a relationship and did not want to raise children. My humiliation comes from the fact that 16 months later, she never got over the heartbreak and wanted to get back together. But for me, this caused paranoid thinking that she was "out to get back at me". So I also feel that she tells her friends about my paranoia and that they are laughing behind my back.

I can also relate to the way you interpret the poetry. I used to think that God was firing messages at me from left, right and center when I was with her

I don't really feel like getting into any details, but I understand how humiliating psychosis can be. I suddenly remember different experiences at least three times/day, and I hate myself for them. It feels like there are hundreds of experiences. I don't even like thinking or talking about it. It's humiliating. I don't know if I'll ever completely forgive myself for all of it. I wish it didn't bother me anymore. If I moved , it would probably help. That way I'd feel confident I wouldn't run into any of these people again.

It's pretty scary when I go through a psychotic episode. The last one lasted for months. I could feel like I could figure out things that no one else can, which for some things is true. ( i think )
Usually it happens at a peak where I haven't slept in days. Then I just let myself go... So I just blame it on that and try to get some rest… and after a long time ( like after more than a year) realize that it was just that….the thing is that people probably laughed at me , but most of all they get scared, and people don't like to be scared.

Honestly I love how your story is so similar to my episode. This is my two cents so please take it lightly.

I had a similar experience with a guy as such. I think this sort of behavior is normal in people that feel they are more important than everybody else. I know sometimes we may think we're special for being in this huge vast universe and we are but some people feel as if they know more than most people.

I met a similar guy who attended UCLA and was extremely smart. Problem was he couldn't hold a normal conversation with people for too long because the conversation would always lead back to math or philosophy. He studied mathematics and read countless articles on physics, language, religion etc... so simply saying a word like "surreal" would make him say something about surreal numbers in mathematics. Or saying a certain word like "literally" would trigger him to talk about the correlation between literals in math and the english language's word "literally."

Essentially he would make connections to himself and the knowledge he seemed to carry. Granted he was intelligent but he felt like he had answers no one else did.

One time we got high on marijuana and we got into a huge argument in front of our friends. He basically would get extremely angry when I called out his pretentious behavior because he was so full of himself and the information he knew. It's like all of what he was saying was jargon and impossible to follow and understand. He also spoke in riddles like the man you mentioned.

Oddly enough he built an algorithm on his computer that allowed him to text other people as him, and do other things like pick bets, or trade the stock market efficiently. Not to mention he even called his algorithm GOD.

Problem was these "riddles" and "information" made him believe he was god. He was talking about how when the algorithm would be complete and be able to compute fast enough, that he would cure cancer etc etc. He said he would simulate reality etc etc. Radical claims that were outlandish but sounded reasonable with his persuasive speech.

Later on I figured out he was pretentious and used everyone around him. I know this claim is huge to assume about someone but he also did many other social acts that were disrespectful and it showed the trueness of his character.

I mean why does the guy you're talking about always say "time" after you say it. God transcends time and space yet this man has the urge to utter it every second he can.

The man you know is definitely talented and great at writing poetry. But just analyze his body language and the way he thinks about himself. Asking a lot of questions can give you the answers. I can understand why you had the episode. Just keep yourself grounded. He's not all that.

We all aren't.

To me it seems like you guys are having a battle of intellect. You guys seem both extremely intelligent and great artists. But just be more accepting of other ideas and such.

"A couple days before that I went up to him while he was working at the cafe. Well, before that I was at home being the Virgin Mary and giving birth to him, thus a rebirth." - you wrote this and it seems like a delusion about yourself and him. You might have episodes where you do believe you are a god and he is too. That's probably why you want to be with him so bad. Anyhow be safe and take care of yourself.