Hi everyone,
This is my first time on this forum, or any forum in general. I have been dwelling on something that happened years ago and I don't know how to let go. It involves a guy that I fell in love with.
So for years I knew of this local poet who won international championships, he was like a god to us in this small youth poetry organization in Seattle. I realized he worked at the cafe I went to often. I thought to myself, if I ever get the confidence to say hello to him, I'm going to tell him that I admire his poetry. So the day finally came when I approached him, over Facebook..., and well, we went on a date and texted for a couple weeks. I don't know what happened but things didn't go anywhere but I was still completely stuck on him. I practically lived at the cafe. For three years we'd have this vague friendship with multiple conflicts. This is before I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type I and had no signs of mental illness.
What I'm humiliated about is the things I did when I was in psychosis. And that he still hates me and probably has no respect for me. First, this was a mild one, I wrote a ridiculously insane letter and sent it to his other workplace at a bookstore. I think I was acting like a cosmic god in the letter and that he was to be punished by me or something like that.
I really despised him for saying nonsensical riddles every time we spoke. He knew that I was in agony trying to figure him out, yet he would say things that would drive anyone who cares enough crazy. He told me that he was a gypsy when I asked him who he was, he told me that he was my imaginary friend, he said that he was rich (when he's a ######6 poet working at a cafe), would repeat in question "time" whenever I said the word "time", and one time he asked me if I was there when he did something weird at the cafe when we both knew that I was not present at all. I've always been way too open with spiritual possibilities. I don't know exactly how but soon I would start to believe that he was God.
Then there came the actual first bipolar psychotic episode where I had hallucinations of him. Fortunately my craziness was quiet during this episode. He just saw me act oddly, dress oddly, and sleep with odd people.
Then last summer I began to hear voices for the first time. It was his voice. This voice told me to follow him after work and sit right beside him. I actually did it. He immediately dashed out the restaurant and all of his friends looked at me.
A couple days before that I went up to him while he was working at the cafe. Well, before that I was at home being the Virgin Mary and giving birth to him, thus a rebirth. So the voice told me to go to his work and ask him if he remembered me. I thought he wouldn't since he was born again. He said angrily, "Yeah I'm _____ and you're ________" and I was just devastated. Later on the voice of him would say sorry and that he was just kidding.
It's been a year since he 86'd me from all the places he frequented. He's now friends with a friend of mine and I get anxious about whether they talk about me. I'm still helplessly in love with him, like a ######6 idiot. I hate him. But my brain still releases love chemicals when I think about him so I think that means I do. But honestly I hate him and I don't care about him but I do care about what these people, I must admit, who are cool, fashionable, artistically talented, charming, intellectual people think about me.
It would be great to hear similar stories or ways of coping with embarrassment. Thank you for reading!