Dreams and altered states of consciousness

Hey.

Background-story: I believe my mother (the parent who raised me) is a Covert Narcissist (I was told by a family member that she was diagnosed with NPD at one time, but I haven't had this confirmed) , I've been afraid for my life since I've been a kid, I've always had the feeling that my mom's always ready to have Narcissistic rage if I ever showed opposition of any kind to her.
She used to break my toys in front of me and stuff as a kid, and I remember started having nightmares of ghosts haunting me, and of my mom killing me with a knife, family members poisoning my food and turning into Demons, stuff like that.
Anyway, this isn't the psychotic part, this is just part of my story.
When visiting my mom's house I've had flashbacks in response to auditory and visual stimulation.
When I open my emotions up (easiest way to do this is by smoking marijuana, but it's not required, it's just the easiest way to Force them open) I'm sort of paranoid, distrustful of people, etc.
Enough about this~

What I wanna talk about is my weird dreams and stuff.
I've always had very weird dreams, experiences and stuff, but I don't remember them anymore, as I push them out of consciousness to "appear sane" to other people; appearing/being normal, you know.
But I remember some. The ghost dreams are often dreams about being in complex mansions full of ghosts and demons, family members, and methods to escape, and often I don't start in the mansion itself, I usually start from a normal day-to-day perspective (in the dream), being with friends and family and stuff. And then I usually dream that someone are after me - this is the most recurring dream I have (I believe this is a core fear stemming from being afraid of my Mother who might very well be after me in a sense - because in her mind I'm her possession, and if her possessions are trying to leave, they must be stopped).
Anyway, from that point on there might be Magic involved, I might be able to fly, have strange supernatural abilities, etc, and then the ghost mansions and stuff like that might become involved.

Ok, finally to the weird dreams: I'd like to bring up the latest example.
I think it was yesterday, or otherwise the day before that, when while waking up in the middle of the night (which I tend to do because it's too hot or something), I felt like I was in contact with pure Chaos or something, I also interpreted it as getting in touch with my Jungian Shadow Self at the moment. The weird thing was like my body parts was going in random directions uncontrollably (I think it was just my legs, but I don't remember exactly), and at the time it really felt meaningful. Also, the force I was getting in touch with felt like a single-minded thing, a kind of Unity.
I rejected the force 90% or so, something I always do with these experiences - I always deflect them, because I'm afraid they'll change me for the worse.

Unfortunately I don't remember any other specific dreams.
But I've had experiences which I've had before just much more amplified on cannabis, so I'll talk about those too.
I've only recently started smoking (for the first time[s]), and it's high-potency medical quality marijuana, so the effects are strong on me.
One of the latest experiences I had, the most interesting effect to me is that I had time dilation's/changes in perception of time or whatever all the time.
It felt basically like I was being pushed or slipping into other realities, and that I had to pull myself back into this reality all the time. To me this was a little bit scary; I don't want to leave this reality (because of my problems - I have too much to think about already, so I don't want even more to think about after going deep down into some rabbit hole).
Also, I noticed how suggestible I am under these states...
Under the influence of marijuana everything I think influences me alot.
Like every negative thought , no matter how small, requires me to make an opposite thought to balance it out or to convince myself that negative thought was just bogus.

Other things that happens was noticing myself becoming more snake-like, my pentagram hanging from a tapistry-poll was spinning wildly in circles (I tried to replicate this later on by shaking/stomping and dancing on the ground and it had no effect), by looking at the patterns in my wooden-floor I could pull the pattern out into a 3D visualization and I believed very strongly that I was seeing patterns and meaningful things, etc.


Anyway, to summarize, 1: I think my core problem is feeling completely alone, and that nobody is gonna believe in or help me out with my situation with my Narcissistic mother. This I believe is the source of all my problems.
Now to symptoms: 2. Marijuana has opened my emotions up, and the flipside to this is that fixing my problems becomes sort of more imminent, which makes me more stressed, which in turn seem to amplify my psychotic? symptoms. I believe I've only had psychotic symptoms near dream states; I've had altered states of consciousness of sorts, but not such extreme states as this Chaotic state I mentioned, etc.
Might this be a on-set/start of Psychotic symptoms?
Should I seek immediate help, and if so, how should I introduce myself and this problem?

Other things that stresses me out is for instance: perceived much more squeaking in my apartment when I think about stuff like this, my neighbors slamming their doors and banging the walls and stuff at least 20-30 times a day (total) very loud, and understanding my issues more and more (especially the focus of my Mother), but not feeling more adequate at handling this issue, rather I'm more fearful (stressed) because I'm afraid nobody is gonna believe me, nobody is gonna help me, etc.

Anyway, I didn't get to say so much about my weird dreams and altered states of consciousness as I wanted - I'm sorry about that.

Hoping for some advice/support! :/

Hi,
you know the pot will not make it better.
i can also move into altered states, not consciously, it just happens. i have also a lot of dreams and sequences...on one side i think is great that we are able to take out of our system our fears and expectations...like you we can re interpret possible meanings and reasons behind it.

i think that somewhere we need to learn to use it in our favor...i do not know yet how, because a bad dream will drain so much energy from me, that i will not be able to function for days...

i just think that it is a sort of gift if somehow we use it like a positive energy..
but again....smoking pot is just making things worst...you are playing with fire.

i have psicotic episodes, and some things you share seem to be moving in that direction.
in my case i have not brought it unto me,,,in your case, i do not know at this moment.

loise wrote:Hi,
you know the pot will not make it better.
i can also move into altered states, not consciously, it just happens. i have also a lot of dreams and sequences...on one side i think is great that we are able to take out of our system our fears and expectations...like you we can re interpret possible meanings and reasons behind it.

i think that somewhere we need to learn to use it in our favor...i do not know yet how, because a bad dream will drain so much energy from me, that i will not be able to function for days...

i just think that it is a sort of gift if somehow we use it like a positive energy..
but again....smoking pot is just making things worst...you are playing with fire.

i have psicotic episodes, and some things you share seem to be moving in that direction.
in my case i have not brought it unto me,,,in your case, i do not know at this moment.

Thanks a lot for your answer/feedback!

The reason I started/am smoking pot is because actually I've closed off almost all emotion.
In my early teens I satisfied many/all of the Borderline/BPD diagnostic criteria very precisely in my own opinion.
But at that time I started isolating myself on my room and have isolated myself ever since.
Which evolved more into a kind of Schizoid/NPD/BPD mix, BPD becoming less and less visible.
So for quite some years I've been trying to argue to myself why I don't have problems to defend myself from everyone seemingly thinking and acting like something is wrong with me without arguing/explaining exactly what is wrong with me~
And this resulted in a kind of pseudo-NPD/Schizoid state, where I've closed myself away from all my deepest emotions, and I've been playing the game of finding out what's wrong with everyone else instead.
Anyway, in conclusion my emotions has gotten very closed off, because of paranoid feelings caused by being/feeling all alone.
And this state has gone too far as episodes of exploding emotions has become stronger and sometimes more frequent, as well as deeper depression/more suicidal ideation, etc.

So I looked into psychedelics (actually always been interested in it, but I decided I should try it before I end my life or something), and all I could get my hands on is pot.
And it's actually helped me to connect with who I am again, but the psychotic symptoms I think comes from opening up the paranoid feelings again, which I have shut myself off from as well.
So I think it's a necessary evil for me -- if I'm not able to open my emotions up then all hope is lost, because nobody seem to understand who I really am when I'm all closed off.
So it's good for me, except that it reminds me of how lonely I am, and also my mind is already "too open", so it pushes my mind a little too far.

I don't get into altered states fully consciously either, but I've noticed some patterns/triggers both to get into it and out of it.
For me the trigger to get into it is to think very deeply about something, especially about "the unfamiliar", with a single minded focus, and forget about everything else.
This is going "into the rabbit hole" for me, where if my emotions are open, all the associations will be too much for me to handle.
And the way to get out of it is by focusing on being rational = linear thinking, and to focus on the familiar and a single focus on being present in this reality.
But I can't control it fully at all, I can just guide myself some with some suggestions, some use of Will, intellect, etc.

So to be honest I've never been haunted by my mind working fully against me.
The only thing I know I can't control is my imagination; I can tell my imagination to do whatever I want, and it will never listen fully. It might create what I say, and then it does whatever it wants after, playing tricks on me by changing parts of the object I try to imagine, etc. It's sort of slippery ground, but that's kind of the point of an imagination, right?
So I usually don't have a problem with it, I just avoid paying too much attention to it, and I'm quick to tell it "no" (and will repeat this inside my head like a mantra, usually adding in a few "maybe" and "yes" just so my brain doesn't imprint me saying too many "no" in a row) when it's encroaching on the territory of my rationality.
Could this still sound like Psychotic episodes?
I still don't know much about it.
I just know that some of my experiences has been kinda psychotic-like..
And I've also read quotes and such, like "the shaman swims in the same ocean that a psychotic drowns in", which is why I'm thinking that altered states of consciousness etc is the same as psychosis, only maybe the difference being that psychosis is not being able to control the experiences.

Hi! i think that you over-analize yourself me too! you are so at the right place!!

i think that that feeling of closed emotions is very related to your experiences in life. I can not tell if your mother is the only source, usually problems come like a flower boucket? (each person or most, in the family have something slightly different but still do).

i though of myself through most of my life like someone more cerebral, difficult to empathize...yet i realize in the last years, and also reading in this super forum and although i have made a conscious choice to move and function in a more cerebral way, i am very emotional. So emotional that when i feel these emotions is like crashing against a wall, they come in gigantic and overwhelming waves....and in all possible directions ..this is why i have chosen Not to move through emotions...because i can not trust them and i can not control them...........maybe you too?

"So to be honest I've never been haunted by my mind working fully against me."

I have and these are those episode of psicosis as my psych says.

"The only thing I know I can't control is my imagination; I can tell my imagination to do whatever I want, and it will never listen fully. It might create what I say, and then it does whatever it wants after, playing tricks on me by changing parts of the object I try to imagine, etc. It's sort of slippery ground, but that's kind of the point of an imagination, right?"

like you say wisely, that is slippery ground. did you see a beautiful mind? this guy that recognizes that somethings are like candy to his mind and it makes him sick? well i have some habits of simultaneity,
like doing several things apparently at the same time, so my body does something but my mind is recording something else? i think that this contradiction, disparity, hurts the unity of my being...yet when i do it, i like it, i feel good....bad habits that i need to change.

" So I usually don't have a problem with it, I just avoid paying too much attention to it, and I'm quick to tell it "no" (and will repeat this inside my head like a mantra, usually adding in a few "maybe" and "yes" just so my brain doesn't imprint me saying too many "no" in a row) when it's encroaching on the territory of my rationality.
Could this still sound like Psychotic episodes?"

i also do something similar to get me out of states when i am so non intentionally focused that i am stuk. i do not know if this is psichotic, of if this is the mind trying not to get psichotic. i am not an expert in the field...i just seem to have it once in a while and the bottom of it, is losing control of my mind.

"...And I've also read quotes and such, like "the shaman swims in the same ocean that a psychotic drowns in", which is why I'm thinking that altered states of consciousness etc is the same as psychosis, only maybe the difference being that psychosis is not being able to control the experiences.

I love this!! really, because spirituality has been a big thing in my life of should i say, THE thing in my life...on one side i have had amazing experiences, on the other hand sometimes these takes over me and i lose control....so the swimming and beginning to drawn or viceversa comes pretty close to me.

i am seeing a psych three years, but he respects the fact that i do not want to take meds unless necessary. anti depressants make me aggressive, the problem with anti psychs among other things is that bring your sugar level up, and make you in time pretty slow almost absent...so he said to me, you need to find a balance between to distribute your energy in the day, a balance between movement and the rest (computer, thinking, sitting, tv, etc). and try to focus...your are walking, what do you smell, what do you see, what do you hear? the problem of the mind (imgination) is that we get divorced from reality and whatever we do, mentally we are somewhere else...this is a bad habit, and eventually pretty difficult to brake, to the point of not remembering, what just happened.!!
nice talking to you!

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Hi, WierderThanWierd. I just wanted to mention in case you didn't already know that some scientists believe marijuana use (particularly in younger people) may increase the risk of schizophrenia and similar problems. Also if you've never tried psychotherapy then you ought to give it a try IMO. In my experience the altered states of drugs were pointless. But everybody is different. (Sorry if that sounds preachy. Using marijuana to get in touch with your emotions sounds strange to me. But whatever works.)