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adult children of BPD mothers and fathers

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adult children of BPD mothers and fathers

Postby greenfig » Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:11 pm

Are there others on this board who are adult children of BPD parent/parents?

My mother has been recently diagnosed with BPD (with narcissistic traits). I have sort of known for along time about this particular disorder and at one point I have thought that I might be BPD. I was really afraid of it. But basically it comes down to that I was raised by a BPD mother.

I started reading about BPD. My jaw dropped. I have known since I can remember that something was wrong with my mother (and father too) but I could just never put my finger on it.

My first therapist that I saw for 4 yrs (she passed away recently) did understand the issues of my mother and helped me to become a separate person from her and set boundaries with her, yet it was unclear at the time that my mom is BPD.

Now having this info, it is much easier for me to understand and move forward to make progress with my second therapist. The understanding that my mother is ill helps me to feel less guilt and hatred towards myself. Before, I had no gage at all. I often thought maybe I am the heartless, cruel and ungrateful child she always made me out to be. I kinda took it upon myself and accepted it a bit. But now I realize that I conduct myself in a mindful way, take responsibilty for my self, so I cannot longer bare the shame that was put upon me, just because I was born to this woman. I am realizing that I am just a human being, pretty average, with human feelings and I have right to express my feelings. I have the right to exist as an indivdual. I am not deliberately cruel to my mother for existing as a human being. In fact I am so much more aware of my actions and outcome of my actions that she is. She acts without consideration. It'a all about her and what she precieves the "truth".
It is difficult for her to understand that I do not hate her just because I have a different opinion. She feels rejected and sometimes annihilated by my refusal to be enmeshed with her.


Growing up it was hard to tell because often my mother could be affectionate and loving, but the next thing I knew she was raging. There was no consistency at all. She spent many days crying in bed, threatenig with suicide on daily basis. As a young woman she spent some time in a mental ward.

So it was confusing. She blamed me and my sis for lot of her pain, yet we were such "good children" and did our best under very #######5 circumstances and have overcome lots of adversity. In the process we have put our real selves aside. My mother resents our success and constantly tells us that we have abandoned her. With her it's like she wants to pull us under the "water". She is drowning and she needs to take us with her.

I actually have dreams about her drowning and her pulling my sis and I under. I also have many dreams where my mother just jumps off of subway platforms/piers/cliffs, as she turns back in the process she has defiance in her eyes. I wake up screaming and crying.

She denies the depht of her problems and pain. She blames everyone else. She refuses to get help. I found out last weekend that my father just got commited to a mental facilty also....Well, I always knew that he would end up there. I do not know what his diagnosis is really. He is violent, extremely controlling and paranoid. He refused to take his meds, then went on a violent rampage.

anyways...I am learning new ways to live. I feel that I am in the process of completely re-wiring my emotional landscape. I hope I can be more balanced than my parents for my remainder time on this earth.

I just finished reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by C. Lawson. Wow! It makes so much sense. The truth is very painful as of right now.

Anyone out there with similar experience?
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Postby Musume » Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:32 am

hi greenfig, I read your post and recognized a lot of what you wrote.
This is actually my very first post on this forum :wink:

I always felt that there was something odd about my mother(let's not mention the rest of the family...), but I never knew what it was. She will have her own truth, what she believes must be real.

I am only child, and have lived with her after my parents got divorced. I remember the two of us being like best friends in the world, sharing everything. Ofcourse that is not a good thing to do with your mother. She would tell me things about her childhood that where so horrorfying.
Actually I believe the stories scared me so much, that until this day I still notice it. A certain fear of men for example (my mother was abused).
Since a year or so I am starting to realize my mother isn't who I thought she was. It is like a dream that shatters, my lovable mom turns out to be sick! She even admitted she has BPD.

I am 23 years old, trying to get my own broken life back on track (which is hard). Yet, I have no idea about my mother. How to deal with it.
I used to lend her money, because I am just a bit too nice... but even after doing these things... I am still often called a 'parasite' and 'ungratefull'... I have always been a good girl considering circumstances, but it wasn't good enough.

She actually gives me nightmares too, but these are a bit more violent. I guess I am angry at her.
I guess I feel sorry for myself, for never having had a normal loving mother and family.

So, thats the story about my mother and her BPD... :?
my little movie project on anxiety disorder http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiLdNFmc ... annel_page second version coming soon
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Re: adult children of BPD mothers and fathers

Postby missA » Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:53 am

Thank you for sharing. As you mentioned in your post, I always knew there was something very different about my mother. I always longed for the loving, nurturing mothers that I witnessed through interactions with friends' mothers. I recently purchased Surviving A Borderline Parent and was brought to tears. It seamlessly described my mother, and the pain I endured as a child. While, it's bittersweet to finally have a name to label her behaviors, at the same time, I am coming to realize my mother will never be the mother that I have so desperately yearned for since childhood. I find comfort knowing that I am not alone in this journey, and others too have endured the turbulent road that is all too familiar for children with BPD mothers. Again, thank you for the sharing.
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Re: adult children of BPD mothers and fathers

Postby miss_communication » Sat Jul 30, 2011 11:26 am

Hi :)

Yes, my mother has all the traits associated with BPD, moreso than me, even. Neither of us are diagnosed. The black and white splitting, the self-harm, the rages, the depression, drinking, violent behaviour, and a rose-tinted view of how my childhood was with her as my mother. On the rare occasions I've tried to explain why I am the way I am, it's all tears and how I'm making it up blah blah blah, so I gave up.
"I carried my heart in my hand. Do you understand? Do you understand?"

INFP - 4w3, 5w4, 1w2 - sx/sp - avoidant/borderline tendencies - GAD - scorpio - Fe - Ne - Ni - Si - Fi - Se - Te - Ti
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