I have had a past of struggling with retaining a job over the years. There are some jobs that I've quit in one month. But the current job I'm at I have managed to hold on for one year and 3 months (laughing to myself right now, because that is how low the bar is). I love the work I do, because I get to help out rescued animals, and my boss has shared with me that she has had a history of mental illness as well, and that she understands what I'm going through on my bad days. These are the only two good things about this job.
My co-workers are toxic, my pay is low and because I'm a people pleaser, I end up doing all the small jobs that no one else wants to do (for the same pay). And I no longer get to increase my skill level in long form writing (which is what I believe to be one of my strengths).
I've been applying for jobs for months no, and I've made it through quite a few interviews (first round) and then everything else goes downhill. As soon as I'm offered the job, or they ask for references or send me some work to do as a test, I completely ghost those companies. Comapnies that are willing to pay more and I was excited about initially. As soon as the intial excitement period is over, I start doubting whether I want to join that company. And then there's a mental block that stops me from doing the test round or send references.
I've been doing much better with my BPD episodes (in the sense, that I can now recognise them before they break into full on meltdowns, and slowly calm myself down), but I'm really struggling with the lack of self and identity. My future (that I envision) keeps changing day to day. One day I think I want to get into research. The next day I think I wanna do work that lets me work with people on the ground level. One day I want to go back to the field of peacebuilding. Other days I want to continue in animal welfare. It's driving me crazy.
I really want to leave the current job because I'm unhappy, but I keep sabotaging myself at the final stages of the interview process (and in some instances after I've received a job offer). Has anyone figured out some way to navigate life when your brain is wired this way?