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Struggling to find a new job

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Struggling to find a new job

Postby LP1 » Fri Jun 28, 2024 11:03 am

I have had a past of struggling with retaining a job over the years. There are some jobs that I've quit in one month. But the current job I'm at I have managed to hold on for one year and 3 months (laughing to myself right now, because that is how low the bar is). I love the work I do, because I get to help out rescued animals, and my boss has shared with me that she has had a history of mental illness as well, and that she understands what I'm going through on my bad days. These are the only two good things about this job.
My co-workers are toxic, my pay is low and because I'm a people pleaser, I end up doing all the small jobs that no one else wants to do (for the same pay). And I no longer get to increase my skill level in long form writing (which is what I believe to be one of my strengths).
I've been applying for jobs for months no, and I've made it through quite a few interviews (first round) and then everything else goes downhill. As soon as I'm offered the job, or they ask for references or send me some work to do as a test, I completely ghost those companies. Comapnies that are willing to pay more and I was excited about initially. As soon as the intial excitement period is over, I start doubting whether I want to join that company. And then there's a mental block that stops me from doing the test round or send references.
I've been doing much better with my BPD episodes (in the sense, that I can now recognise them before they break into full on meltdowns, and slowly calm myself down), but I'm really struggling with the lack of self and identity. My future (that I envision) keeps changing day to day. One day I think I want to get into research. The next day I think I wanna do work that lets me work with people on the ground level. One day I want to go back to the field of peacebuilding. Other days I want to continue in animal welfare. It's driving me crazy.
I really want to leave the current job because I'm unhappy, but I keep sabotaging myself at the final stages of the interview process (and in some instances after I've received a job offer). Has anyone figured out some way to navigate life when your brain is wired this way?
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Re: Struggling to find a new job

Postby jaus tail » Sun Jul 21, 2024 6:10 pm

I have had a past of struggling with retaining a job over the years.

even i've had struggle with maintaining job. it was horrible when i was 23... 11 years ago.
my career decision would change rapidly.
engineer -> script writer -> school teacher
i took admission in college to become a school teacher, but the lady/clerk who was doing paper work for admission was rude to me, and so i withdrew the admission.

There are some jobs that I've quit in one month. But the current job I'm at I have managed to hold on for one year and 3 months (laughing to myself right now, because that is how low the bar is). I love the work I do, because I get to help out rescued animals, and my boss has shared with me that she has had a history of mental illness as well, and that she understands what I'm going through on my bad days. These are the only two good things about this job.

its good you like what you do and your boss understands your issues. later in college i told few people about my issues and that was helpful. they wouldnt force me to socialize but gave me space.

My co-workers are toxic, my pay is low and because I'm a people pleaser, I end up doing all the small jobs that no one else wants to do (for the same pay). And I no longer get to increase my skill level in long form writing (which is what I believe to be one of my strengths).

people pleaser-- yes me. i've even been told. recoome, you're turning into a people pleaser. but i cant help myself :(
its like i have this need to become a hero.

I've been applying for jobs for months no, and I've made it through quite a few interviews (first round) and then everything else goes downhill. As soon as I'm offered the job, or they ask for references or send me some work to do as a test, I completely ghost those companies. Comapnies that are willing to pay more and I was excited about initially. As soon as the intial excitement period is over, I start doubting whether I want to join that company. And then there's a mental block that stops me from doing the test round or send references.

after i joined my current company, i wanted to leave right away.
i told a friend about it. he said at least complete 6 months of internship.
then i made goals for myself to at least stay longer than last job.
i literally would count each day and would look at calendar daily as to when would the last job's tenure go.

i'm still unhappy at work but its ok. i feel glad i lasted for so long.
like you even i'm applying elsewhere. at times i think of not switching as i'm comfortable here, at times i get emotional.
then i tell myself: you have to work hard/earn money for 5 more years, then you can consider semi retirement life or an easy job.
so that motivates me to keep going/keep trying for better jobs.
I've been doing much better with my BPD episodes (in the sense, that I can now recognise them before they break into full on meltdowns, and slowly calm myself down), but I'm really struggling with the lack of self and identity. My future (that I envision) keeps changing day to day. One day I think I want to get into research. The next day I think I wanna do work that lets me work with people on the ground level. One day I want to go back to the field of peacebuilding. Other days I want to continue in animal welfare. It's driving me crazy.
I really want to leave the current job because I'm unhappy, but I keep sabotaging myself at the final stages of the interview process (and in some instances after I've received a job offer). Has anyone figured out some way to navigate life when your brain is wired this way?

unstable sense of identity.. yes i have this too
my career plans shift from:
current job of software engineer -> electrical engineer -> script writer --> school teacher who teaches language --> college teacher --> therapist

it keeps on shifting. i just continue doing my current job as i need the money.
i wouldnt say i'm ok with identity issues, but i'm less disturbed by it as i was. it doesnt affect me much. i would shift jobs earlier thinking it would give me peace, but it didnt give.
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