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confessing to any future partner

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confessing to any future partner

Postby jaus tail » Wed Apr 14, 2021 4:42 am

Hi,

what do you guys think about confessing the past to any future partner.
i mean how much of it should be revealed. about the abuse, bpd, therapy, psychiatrist, sex addiction, same-sex encounters (if i marry someone of the opposite gender).

idk... is honesty overrated? but wouldnt want to constantly live under pressure that 'hey i have to tell you something and its huge'
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby Remember Ronni » Wed Apr 14, 2021 10:34 pm

I think as with any new relationships be that a partner or friends it's probably best to keep a lot of that info to yourself. You can tell them you have had some mental health issues or something like that. Then see how the relationship goes - not wanting to be pessimistic but if you tell them everything on the first date you might not get a second one. :wink: As you get to know each other this should be something that will just happen naturally. It takes time to build trust like that.

Enjoy the relationship and see where it all leads. Me, I tell people mental health issues and if pushed I say I suffer a lot with depression. You will know when the time is right to tell them the other bits if you do.

Our of your list - I would tell them I have BPD early on, I would say due to abuse as a child, I would tell them I am in therapy. I wouldn't explain the abuse. The rest I'd probably only talk about if that becomes an issue in that relationship. Everyone's allowed their secrets, their baggage and their own privacy. We can also get to leave our 'mistakes' in the past too.
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby jaus tail » Fri Apr 16, 2021 5:02 am

You can tell them you have had some mental health issues or something like that. Then see how the relationship goes. As you get to know each other this should be something that will just happen naturally. It takes time to build trust like that.


yeah true. slowly n steadily.

Everyone's allowed their secrets, their baggage and their own privacy. We can also get to leave our 'mistakes' in the past too.


yeah but would it not be lying to her if i dont reveal the earlier same-sex encounters/fantasies.
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby Remember Ronni » Sat Apr 17, 2021 3:47 am

We all have baggage. But I would say, if those same sex encounters are not going to threaten the relationship then I don't see why you would tell her. Perhaps look at it from her point of view - how would you react to being told all of that by her. About something that happened, say 10 years ago. Would it affect how you feel and is it relevant now. What would be served by telling her the truth? We're all allowed our privacy and our fantasies. You don't have to tell your partner everything.
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby Snaga » Sat Apr 17, 2021 4:01 pm

I agree with Ronni.

I don't think it's lying, to not include the same sex encounters. I mean, I assume you've been tested for any nasty bugs that might have resulted from it; and you no longer seek those experiences. So it's the past.

If you're not at all attracted to guys, then I think the past is the past.

Now, I can't remember what you've told me, but as you know I consider myself Bi, and I've lived with people that aren't accepting of that- it's not even a matter of desiring to mess around with the same sex, but I can say that 'wearing a mask', gets darn old. So if you do feel strongly Bisexual, I think you'd feel a lot more peaceful, if by some miracle, you run into a woman that's actually cool with that- I mean of course with the understanding that you're not looking for permission to go do anything. Just that she's not all like, ew, gross you're gay!

It's doable- sure. But it gets frustrating.
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby jaus tail » Mon Apr 19, 2021 5:20 am

Remember Ronni wrote: What would be served by telling her the truth?


Lighten my mind, so it doesnt come as a surprise if she catches me browsing this forum.
or what if she finds out from someone else. like some old friend who i bump into whom i've told about my past.


So if you do feel strongly Bisexual, I think you'd feel a lot more peaceful, if by some miracle, you run into a woman that's actually cool with that- I mean of course with the understanding that you're not looking for permission to go do anything. Just that she's not all like, ew, gross you're gay!

It's doable- sure. But it gets frustrating.


yeah.. if only i bump into a woman who's okay with it as opposed to someone who says 'ew'
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby Remember Ronni » Mon Apr 19, 2021 1:56 pm

But if you tell her, so you can lighten your mind, what does it do to her mind? Right from the off you're giving her something to worry about. I never understand this approach. You just shift the emotional burden onto someone else. You've carried this one round for a long time, now you want your future life partner to carry it too, maybe to worry about it, even check up on you. That is not a great way to start a relationship.
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby Snaga » Mon Apr 19, 2021 2:57 pm

Remember Ronni wrote:But if you tell her, so you can lighten your mind, what does it do to her mind? Right from the off you're giving her something to worry about. I never understand this approach. You just shift the emotional burden onto someone else. You've carried this one round for a long time, now you want your future life partner to carry it too, maybe to worry about it, even check up on you. That is not a great way to start a relationship.


Yeah, that. I've never been much of one for confessing when it does the other person no good. It just hurts and/or confuses them, and for what? So I can say I was honest? I don't require full disclosure of a partner, why do I want to foist that on them? If it doesn't affect the here and now, it's best left alone, in my opinion.
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby jaus tail » Wed Apr 21, 2021 7:24 am

Remember Ronni wrote: You just shift the emotional burden onto someone else. You've carried this one round for a long time, now you want your future life partner to carry it too, maybe to worry about it, even check up on you. That is not a great way to start a relationship.


yeah makes sense. it's just... its a heavy burden to carry.

Snaga wrote:It just hurts and/or confuses them, and for what? So I can say I was honest?

yeah.. i mean i wouldnt want her to find out from somewhere/someone else.
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Re: confessing to any future partner

Postby Snaga » Wed Apr 21, 2021 1:51 pm

jaus tail wrote:yeah.. i mean i wouldnt want her to find out from somewhere/someone else.


Well if you must disclose, I think you have to be in it for the long haul and find the right moment to do it, and be prepared for rejection- I think you will need patience, and a willingness to roll with the punches. An understanding woman is out there. Might take some time to find her.
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