How do I cope with bpd?

Hi my name is Elliot and I have known I had bpd for about half a year now, not diagnosed yet but I 100% know and have done lots of research. I struggle on a daily basis with my emotions, I had a breakdown tonight because my love interest hadn’t messaged me all day so I was terrified he wasn’t interested anymore; it turned into an argument because I ended up being manipulative but I didn’t know I was. My anger takes over and when I think I’m communicating with him I just end up being manipulative without me knowing it until he tells me. Does anyone have any tips/advice for how to not be so impulsive and to not let my anger control me like this. I sometimes realise I’m typing the wrong thing so I say no and back space but I’ve only been able to do that twice. When I’m calm and ready to talk he ends up getting upset and having a breakdown instead of me having one, our relationship is extremely unsteady and it is because I haven’t found ways to cope with my mental illness even though I’ve done so much research. I don’t see a psych at the moment as everyone that is available cost so much money. I am extremely desperate for any kind of help and advice so I’ll be super duper grateful for anything, thank you for your time ❤️

Therapy helped me to some extent. other than that venting here also helped. i've realized that my fears arent really irrational. they may be exagerrated but not irrational.

in 2019, if some scientist were to warn the media about a virus spread, the world would've laughed at the scientist...

Yelliot02 wrote:I had a breakdown tonight because my love interest hadn’t messaged me all day

i used to feel this too. if i didnt get a message, i'd delete all earlier texts and delete the person's number from my phone. but half hour after that i'd search for the email where i had received the number and save it again.

this is okay to some extent. what i should've done is:
look at all earlier texts with the person and realize maybe i'm overreacting.
if all the earlier texts are similar from the other end like all texts are of the format: yeah okay. ok bye. ok...

then perhaps i should speak with the person that he doesnt seem interested.

though everyone is different in the way they communicate their affection. i know people who look forward to valentines day. or parents day.

i am not a big fan of it.

how is your love interest during other time. when u guys hang out, do u have a good time. asking urself these questions can help.

Yelliot02 wrote:how to not be so impulsive

i still struggle with anger issues. like yesterday i raged at the walls n stuff...

going to gym helped me. i dont go there with an angry mindset. i just try to be regular.
i practiced non-impulsive behavior a few times. like i had to ask a query with the tax guy. i had a strong urge to ask rightaway but i consciously decided to wait till some tax results came in 2 days and then i asked him.

earlier i would've asked the tax guy rightaway. n then been embarrassed.

Yelliot02 wrote: our relationship is extremely unsteady

maybe focus on other relations as well. one relation doesnt have to be the centre of ur life or of his life. u'll end up depending a lot on each other.

i mean if u could hang out with ur other friends or make some hobby. i dont have any real life friends. but when i was dating someone, i wish i had kept some other sources of dopamine instead of relying on her 24 x 7

Thank you so much, we both decide to end things and stay friends due to him calling me the day after I confessed to him to tell me he was going to have sex with someone else...you could say I didn’t take it too well but after my little moment I became clearer and realised how much better I feel without the crushing feeling of needing to focus my attention on someone. We are handling it maturely now, I still get a little sad sometimes but I remind myself that he is still in my life nonetheless, sometimes people aren’t meant for each other and that’s okay.

Yelliot02 wrote:Thank you so much, we both decide to end things and stay friends due to him calling me the day after I confessed to him to tell me he was going to have sex with someone else...you could say I didn’t take it too well but after my little moment I became clearer and realised how much better I feel without the crushing feeling of needing to focus my attention on someone. We are handling it maturely now, I still get a little sad sometimes but I remind myself that he is still in my life nonetheless, sometimes people aren’t meant for each other and that’s okay.

You can stay friends for some time (like a few months) and then decide if you want to date. there is no urgency right now.

yeah i understand that the sadness. i feel sad most of the time recalling how things ended. my impulsive behavior wrecked me.
in 2014 i left a great job out of impulsve nature. i was told here: not to leave the job. it'll feel good temporarily but not in the long run.

but i didnt listen.

not watching tv has helped me to some extent. i wanted to leave my current job in jan 2020, but well it's been a year now and i'm there there and okay with the job. its not a terrible job.

he is still in my life nonetheless, sometimes people aren’t meant for each other and that’s okay.

friendship is so valuable