Our partner

Suspect I might have BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: lilyfairy

Suspect I might have BPD

Postby ageingtrash » Sun Dec 13, 2020 12:29 am

Hi, i am a 19 yr old female, i've suspected that i have bpd for a few months now and am going to ask my therapist if they can get me tested soon.
i relate a lot to all the symptoms of bpd except i can control my impulsive thoughts when theyre extreme, i tend to fall into long-term self-destructive habits so i always have a vice to lean on at any given time (smoking, dr*gs, alcohol, eating disorders etc).
my biggest issue is with friendships and fear of abandonment, i felt like the one whose "less wanted" in any group, like it wouldnt make a difference whether or not i was there, a lot when i was a child. now ive been in a friendship group for a few yrs and realised my self worth relies mostly on what i think they think of me and it becomes unbearable if i dont get validation that they like me. the worst examplesof this are times when ive got very drunk i end up shouting at them that they dont like me or care for me. im surprised they've stuck around this long but i keep telling myself i need to stop feeling this way. when everythings okay i feel like theyre the best people in the world, like platonic soulmates or something, but the slightest unexpected action/facial expression/comment/lack of attention sends me right back to thinking they hate me and are just keeping me around because i havent given them a big enough reason to end the friendship. sometimes i think i should just give them one so i can relieve them from having to be around me or i get suicidal thoughts because im scared that it wont matter who im friends with this will always keep happening.
when i think somethings off i jump to conclusions and always think the worst of them. i dont want them to get sick of my lack of trust and accusations because i do love them a lot but in those moments its like i dont know what to believe and maybe the whole friendship was a lie.
every time this happens i will try to be upfront with them and just ask whats going on but i dont know if im being emotionally draining and i dont want to be that person that needs reassurance 24/7.
whether i end up being diagnosed or not, i was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to not ruin friendships because of feeling like this?
apologies if this is the wrong topic to post this on, i thought it was most appropriate as im not actually diagnosed.
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Dec 13, 2020 5:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: split from an existing topic, retitled accordingly, no edits
ageingtrash
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Dec 12, 2020 11:46 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:49 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Suspect I might have BPD

Postby Snaga » Sun Dec 13, 2020 5:40 am

Hello, and welcome!

Just a note that I moved your post from the thread you posted to- as a first time poster and the detail of it, I felt it deserved its own thread.

Do you tend to be like this in romantic relationships, as well? If you mentioned that, I missed it.

I don't believe myself to be BPD, but I do see some Borderline tendencies in myself. I empathise with you on a... not constant, but a nagging conviction that in any group, I am one who wouldn't be missed, that no one cares about me. I don't dwell on it, or obsess over it, I just feel it, in my more self-aware moments. I don't tend to seek validation, but if I let myself, I'd get caught up in thinking that no one really likes me- I don't think they do, in fact- from my partner, to extended family, to friends, what of those I have. So yes that part resonates with me.
Image

Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 18229
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 1:49 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Suspect I might have BPD

Postby Remember Ronni » Tue Dec 15, 2020 11:13 pm

This is pretty common I think in those with BPD, but probably those that don't have it too.

For me I think the key was spotting my triggers and actually just deciding I am not doing that any more, pushing people away. When it happens, as it will, I remind myself this is just my BPD brain going off on one again so I am going to ignore it. And yes I do tell my brain where to get off too.

Other times the delaying tactic is a good one. If I feel the same way in x days or hours or whatever then I will act on it. And generally once the BPD brain shuts up I don't want to end the friendship at all. And I will also be very glad I didn't act on those feelings and do or say something stupid.

Actually journalling helped me with this. When I feel wound up or whatever instead of rowing with a friend I just spill in the journal. Doing that, gives me the chance to stop and think and most times I realise I am over reacting or being daft or whatever. And it's only my journal that knows this. So I can say what I like without feeling silly and I probably avoid a row.

Sometimes I write those letters you don't send. So I say all the stuff I wanted to say to that person. And then I delete it. It helps to get my feelings out without damaging any friendships.

You may not even have BPD. But worth having an assessment if you're worried about it.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
Remember Ronni
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2749
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:17 am
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 7:49 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 18 guests