Our partner

identity issue sucks

Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: lilyfairy

identity issue sucks

Postby jaus tail » Sun Sep 27, 2020 12:03 pm

its exhausting and i'm tired. i just want it to go. who am i...
exhausted
User avatar
jaus tail
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4279
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:35 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 12:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby Remember Ronni » Wed Sep 30, 2020 2:15 am

As humans we often play different roles - daughter, sister, auntie, lawyer. It isn't always easy though to know who we are, deep down I mean. I found that remembering the stuff I used to do as a kid helped a bit. Obviously I won't be getting out the lego anytime soon but some of them, well some of them reminded me of who I am, who I was before things changed and got so complicated.

There are plenty of new things to learn too, things you've never tried before. Fun things. Scary things. Challenge yourself. Find out who you are. Deep down you already know, even with the BPD stuff. Once I started a notebook and in I would jot down the things I liked and wanted to do again, and the things I wouldn't do if you paid me.

If you're anything like me you weren't allowed to be yourself when you were growing up, not completely anyway. Now's your chance. You're not a kid anymore. So be you. And yes find out who you are. It doesn't have to be a chore, it could actually be a lot of fun and quite interesting too. And when you feel like that you can go find that notebook. One day you won't even need the book.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
Remember Ronni
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2696
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:17 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 1:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby jaus tail » Wed Sep 30, 2020 6:28 am

As humans we often play different roles - daughter, sister, auntie, lawyer.

for me it's more like i see a tv show (which i've stopped seeing) and if i see a conniving manipulator there, i'll feel like that. if i feel a crying person there i'll feel like that.

it's a very broken self-identity thats very malleable.

always fearing i'm manipulating the other person or seeking for validation.

I found that remembering the stuff I used to do as a kid helped a bit.

i used to enjoy growing plants. not now. everything looks tedious.

There are plenty of new things to learn too, things you've never tried before. Fun things. Scary things. Challenge yourself. Find out who you are.

it's not easy to do new stuff if you have some voice within that says you're a manipulator.

You're not a kid anymore.

true.

One day you won't even need the book.

Hope sooner than later...
exhausted
User avatar
jaus tail
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4279
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:35 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 12:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby Remember Ronni » Wed Sep 30, 2020 1:20 pm

To me, how you describe it, it sounds more like an empathy thing than a lack of identity. You feel others emotions. Sort of. Perhaps somehow that's what's happening to you. You feel too much.

I think everyone manipulates to some extent. Like encouraging a friend to do something you think would be good for them. Manipulation isn't always done with bad intentions. It isn't always bad. And whilst you might not have noticed it goes on all day every day. The ads on tv, the goods in the shop window, the free gift if you complete this online form. The guy at work that gets you to cover for him (or her). We all do it. And sometimes it is actually ok to do it, just depends on your motive I guess.

It's ok to imagine and to empathise. Just be aware that's what you're doing. In reality I bet you know you wouldn't treat anyone like that. So you do know who you are.

Maybe a big vegetable patch is not your thing. What about a Bonsai? Or a Lemon tree? Or just a mini herb garden on your window ledge. What was it made you feel the way about growing things as you did when you were a kid? Or just pick something else.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
Remember Ronni
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2696
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:17 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 1:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby jaus tail » Thu Oct 01, 2020 10:43 am

You feel too much.

I think everyone manipulates to some extent. Like encouraging a friend to do something you think would be good for them.

more like i feel i'm manipulating some woman and ruining her life. like in some terrible crime novel.

Maybe a big vegetable patch is not your thing. What about a Bonsai? Or a Lemon tree? Or just a mini herb garden on your window ledge. What was it made you feel the way about growing things as you did when you were a kid? Or just pick something else.

its tough when u feel unworthy... i dont know... the wishful thinking never goes away...

***

i replied late cause the therapist had said: let the message sink in and then reply... (when we were communicating via email)
exhausted
User avatar
jaus tail
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4279
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:35 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 12:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby Remember Ronni » Thu Oct 01, 2020 10:33 pm

In relationships I think we all manipulate to some extent, we do. We want them to like us etc. But it's not necessarily done with any ill intent. But I don't think that's what you're talking about. Persuasion is probably a better word for what I mean and we all do that. The bad kind of manipulation, do you do that? And are these woman unable to take care of their own lives? Make their own decisions? But if you're worried that in the past you've been an evil manipulator then don't do it again. Now you know what it looks like.

And wishful thinking is pointless. It's like putting your life on hold until you win the lottery. By which point you could have an incredible 30 year old bonsai tree. Sometimes you have to do things in spite of feeling bad. You do them to feel better. Don't let the people that hurt you take up any more of your life - they're just not worth it.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
Remember Ronni
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2696
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:17 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 1:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby jaus tail » Fri Oct 02, 2020 7:44 am

The bad kind of manipulation, do you do that? And are these woman unable to take care of their own lives? Make their own decisions? But if you're worried that in the past you've been an evil manipulator then don't do it again. Now you know what it looks like.


no i havent done that. m glad i havent done that. i just 'feel' i'm doing that to my caretaker when i snub her but i have immense anger toward her.

And wishful thinking is pointless. It's like putting your life on hold until you win the lottery.

yeah... good analogy. but its like i dont have any dreams left. i dont 'enjoy' anything. i dont even know what's fun.

By which point you could have an incredible 30 year old bonsai tree.

thus i am doing my work. but i also dont want to spend the remaining 30 years of my life into therapy. it's like i want some closure so i never think of the past again. like get some closure for it.

Sometimes you have to do things in spite of feeling bad. You do them to feel better.

i dont even know what 'better' feels like anymore.

Don't let the people that hurt you take up any more of your life - they're just not worth it.

i harbor such rage toward them. :evil:
exhausted
User avatar
jaus tail
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4279
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:35 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 12:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby Remember Ronni » Fri Oct 02, 2020 8:29 am

You didn't strike me as the evil manipulator type. I haven't spoken to my mother in 15 years. For the same kind of reasons. Only I don't feel bad about that. A little guilty if I use her title. But I'm an adult now so I don't have to allow her to treat me like that anymore.

I think you need to find that place where you can dream again. In the meantime you need to find out what you enjoy doing. The only way you're going to do that is to try stuff out. Find out what better feels like. Give things a go.

As for closure and never thinking of your past again that ain't going to happen. Unless you suffer from some sort of medical amnesia for some reason all that is now a part of you. It isn't suddenly going to go away. You can get over it though, to move past all that anger and resentment, but it's going to require a bit of effort from you. There's no magic pill. The way you feel better is to start living again, for you.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
Remember Ronni
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2696
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:17 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 1:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby jaus tail » Fri Oct 02, 2020 8:54 am

I haven't spoken to my mother in 15 years. For the same kind of reasons. Only I don't feel bad about that.

mine is a single mother. n often i feel bad for her. she had a not-so-great childhood. the therapist told me there is a duality in me. u feed bad for ur mom but there's also resentment.

I think you need to find that place where you can dream again. In the meantime you need to find out what you enjoy doing. The only way you're going to do that is to try stuff out. Find out what better feels like. Give things a go.

i started cooking.

As for closure and never thinking of your past again that ain't going to happen. Unless you suffer from some sort of medical amnesia for some reason all that is now a part of you. It isn't suddenly going to go away. You can get over it though, to move past all that anger and resentment, but it's going to require a bit of effort from you. There's no magic pill. The way you feel better is to start living again, for you.

this. there is no magic pill.
have thought for hours.. years to be precise.
but yeah: i guess some residue of regret will always be there... this was one of the earlier advices i received here in 2013.
exhausted
User avatar
jaus tail
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4279
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:35 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 12:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: identity issue sucks

Postby jaus tail » Fri Oct 02, 2020 9:31 am

it just feels fake at times... happiness...
exhausted
User avatar
jaus tail
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4279
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:35 am
Local time: Tue Oct 27, 2020 12:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 25 guests