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My life is a mess and I idealized and emotionally hurt a gir

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My life is a mess and I idealized and emotionally hurt a gir

Postby Bender90 » Thu Jul 09, 2020 4:48 pm

My life is a mess and I idealized and emotionally hurt a girl (advice)

I met a girl on a dating app, we talked so much (she said very emotional things to me, that made me overvalue her), we arranged a date, a few days before the date we had a phone call and she tried mocking me. On the next day she apologized and I accepted that,next day we had the date, but that mockery stayed in my mind.

Also I thought the first date wasn’t as good as it could be (she said everything was fine recently). I pushed so much for a second date (trying to “fix” the first one). On a Saturday she was working and said she was hungry, I told her I could order something before she leaves work so we could eat together. It was at 4 pm. She said SHE WOULD TELL ME WHAT SHE HAD DECIDED (just emphasizing) when she was done in her work, she kept me updated and said she didnt know what time she would leave. 9 pm she told me she was home (took her 10 minutes to get home), and she explained that she was very tired and couldn’t come for us to eat. I explained that everything was cool, but I stopped talking to her at night (she maybe got upset about that, and I was upset because she didn’t tell me before she had left her work).

On the Sunday, I thought that was a misunderstanding, and I said we could meet each other, she said she was tired, I asked if she could have a phone call, she said she was waiting a call from her work (it’s true), while I was waiting she sent me a random meme that implied I was stupid for not listening to her (I thought this was a mockery, because on Saturday I was doing my things but expecting for 5 hours what she had decided, it’s like, I listened to her so much). We joked a little about the meme, but then I asked “what’s happening?”, she answered half an hour later “everything is fine, do you want to have the call?”, 2 hours later I told her “nevermind”, she asked if everything was fine, I said yes and that I didn’t thought the meme was funny. Later on I mentioned I was eating something awful, and she jokingly invited me to have dinner with her, and talked about another thing, then I just talked about this other thing (I just ignored her invitation).

Next day she sent me a message we joked about random things, and in the next few days the conversation went cold and I indirectly tried to set up a date, she didn’t take the hint.
I spent the whole week anxious, thinking all she did was on purporse to hurt me. Then I tried talking to her, trying to know when she had decided (if she made me wait for nothing on that Saturday), and she got mad at me, saying I have no right to feel upset that she told me what she had decided when she got home, and it was just 10 minutes. She turned the conversation into a discussion, but I remained calm trying to understand.

And the conversations went cold, until we stopped talking.
Like a month later (few days ago) I talked to her to ask if the reason things went cold after our date was due to it. She said the date was great and that I keep looking for problems on everything. I said we could keep talking without bringing those things from the past, but she said there’s no way we can go back to even have those conversations and that we not compatible.
I hurt her so much, due to my idealization of her, I think she got so hurt and regreted her decision of not telling me 10 minutes earlier that Saturday.

Anyway, I messed up so much a loving girl that we could have something serious (it wasn’t a hookup).
Now that I realized that I kept looking for problems and doubting her so much I feel awful and sad.
The things she said before the date made me feel so good, and I got too attached to those things and her, I idealized her and when she didn’t do something that I was hoping for, made me doubt her, finally leading to we stop talking.

Only after she said that I kept looking for problems that I realized that I was idealizing her.
Recently I spend the whole day at home, talking to few people, and she showed some affection for me, I tried reciprocating but I messed up it all. With other girls I have normal interactions.

How do I cope with this?
How can I explain to her or to myself that I didn’t mean to punish her for not behaving as the person that I idealized. I had no clue that I was idealizing her. I was never diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
I’m thinking about sending her a message telling her that I was in the wrong, that I kept looking for problems, and that for now there’s no way for us to keep talking, until I fix myself. Also I just deleted the dating apps, and I'm not going to look for girls/relationships.
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Re: My life is a mess and I idealized and emotionally hurt a gir

Postby jaus tail » Sat Jul 25, 2020 11:22 am

for me it was due to lack of friends. i had no friends and would seek a lot of attention from my S.O (someone special).
eventually the S.O seemed to have gotten fed up of me and it sort of ended. but now i realize i needed therapy to talk what i'm feeling. generally true friends are supposed to give an honest perspective in life. i didnt have any.

so i didnt have any external perspective. a therapist helped me regain my roots. it took 2 years of therapy though.
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