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Living with BPD

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Living with BPD

Postby ppijb » Wed May 20, 2020 12:47 am

I am a 40 yr old male that has been living with BPD and until recently, understanding what has caused me so much pain and agony throughout my life. Not only have I dealt with BPD but also depression, anxiety and also PTSD. I came to terms with being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD but something was still missing, thinking why can't I shake these emotions off? I would attach myself to negativity or what my brain filtered as negative and never let go of that until it was too late and I became more depressed from pushing people out of my life that I deeply cared for but the why do I keep doing that when it is not something that I wanted. I wanted people in my life!

I grew up in a very unstable household where as a child I dealt with alcoholism, drug addiction, domestic violence and no reassurance, all from my parents. Being around that day in and day out, it became a normal thing. I would isolate in my room, never bring anything up and do my best to escape when I could to get away. Now fast forward through life, I adapted those same things as an adult. I became an alcoholic trying to "drink my problems away" because I never expressed my feelings or thoughts with a fear of being bothersome, judged and rejected. It was my escape! Whenever I got a feeling of someone getting too close to me, that got me scared and I would find a way to push them away or get them to a point that they could not deal with me anymore. Seems pretty messed up to want people to love you and be with you but then push them away, right? That is what my BPD entailed.

With a better understanding of not only what my mental health conditions are but also how can I live a better, more positive life. Taking those pauses, those deep breathes giving me more time to let my rational side take over instead of it being 100% feeling side to make better decisions of what I want and need. Doing these minor things has helped me tremendously! Yes I am on depression/anxiety medication which helps with that but anyone that has struggled sooooo much through life and you are not sure why you do the things you do it all starts with coming to terms that something needs fixing and how do I do that. My life is far from perfect, I still have bad days of course but there are way more good days then there once was.

Be positive! Be loved! Be yourself that you know you are and life becomes easier everyday.

To anyone that has read this and you are going through similar situations, realize that there are many many people that are going through the same things and you are not alone as you once thought you were.
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Re: Living with BPD

Postby jaus tail » Thu May 21, 2020 6:39 pm

being raised in an invalidating environment made me go into a shell too...
if the invalidation is from a stranger, we can ignore it and fight back but if its from a parent, then we feel guilty for wanting to fight back. and we internalize the emotions.

eventually we get so used to being silent, that being silent becomes our default behaviour.
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