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i dont have a reason to live

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i dont have a reason to live

Postby jaus tail » Thu Jan 16, 2020 5:55 pm

what should i live for? i hate my family. cant stand them. they're full of emotionally manipulative people. cant make friends easily. i lie awake most nights full of rage for my family. n then i realize they had their own reasons to be upset so i'm stuck in a whirlpool n feel sorry for them. it's either rage or sorrow.

i joined new work and that's a chore. i got no energy left. hanging out with colleagues is a chore. its energy draining.

i'm 30 n why should i move on. each day just comes and goes.. night full of rage..morning i'm angry..

i purchased a self help book about how to be happy and it said to let go of past, but i cant let go. how do i let go of past...

its like i see no reason to live. no one to live for...
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby easyy » Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:41 pm

I'm sorry too hear you feel that way, it sounds terrible what your going through.

I'm not old myself but 30 years old seems still pretty young too me.

I don't know if I can give you advice that can help your situation. The way your describing the rage at night and having an intolerable family reminds me of my situation a little bit.

Things change, if you are willing to do something. It can be small things that in overtime can make a huge difference.

I still find my family intorerable, but I'm with peace with it now and I still see them from time to time, without it affecting me too much.

This didn't happen overnight though. I really tried too break out of the uncomfortable feelings. Findin a psychiatrist, changing my studies, getting a day to day routine I actually enjoyed etc.

I trust you'll find your way out of it too
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Fri Jan 17, 2020 5:57 am

You DEFINITELY have a reason to live. You want to know why I know? Because I can name at least 1 reason that I know of that proves it. You’ve helped me a lot on these forums and given me advice. You’re very insightful, and good at keeping a non-judge mental perspective. Do you know how many people lack this skill??? You are definitely wanted and clearly have a reason in this regard. Outside of this I can guarantee there are a million other reasons why you should and do need to stay alive. I understand you are feeling all of these intense emotions, and that the family life is difficult but I PROMISE you it will pass. The pain you’re feeling? It’s intense, but not permanent. I am actually shocked that you are feeling this way towards yourself because you’re always so nice and helpful on here but also simultaneously I understand that BPD can cause these awful feelings and therefore it is now your turn to receive support. If someone has not said this to you today, I will. I love you.
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby jaus tail » Fri Jan 17, 2020 10:30 am

I just hate them so much.
I really feel very old. I want to go to Europe n live away from family. but now I may never get that chance to go there. I had a few chances a few years ago, but I left those chances n now I regret them so much.

I hate my job. i'm old and am working with people 5 years younger than me who are seniors while i'm at entry level.
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby Remember Ronni » Sun Jan 19, 2020 12:37 am

There's this saying, goes something like this - holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. I think that's what it means by letting go. It's not about forgiveness or condoning what they did but it's you all this anger is hurting.

The worst thing the people responsible probably don't even know how you feel and may not even care.

I don't say any of that lightly. It's going to take a while and you may need support to get there. But you can choose not to let that anger consume you any more. That rage, I know that rage, but it's hurting you not them and you deserve better than that. So don't punish yourself for the things other people did to you.

Your 30s can be a tricky age. Lots of social pressure too to settle down etc etc. Maybe you need a new challenge. And if you are any good at saving well that Europe trip isn't out of the question.

After everything you've been through you deserve to be happy. I have no contact with my family either. I don't think the anger will ever truly go away but I try not to let it ruin any more of my life. It takes work but you can get there.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby jaus tail » Sun Jan 19, 2020 7:20 am

yeah, remember ronni, i really regret the chance to settle in europe..it would've boosted my career, instead now i'm back where i was 9 years ago..

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:You DEFINITELY have a reason to live. You want to know why I know? Because I can name at least 1 reason that I know of that proves it. You’ve helped me a lot on these forums and given me advice. You’re very insightful, and good at keeping a non-judge mental perspective. Do you know how many people lack this skill??? You are definitely wanted and clearly have a reason in this regard. Outside of this I can guarantee there are a million other reasons why you should and do need to stay alive. I understand you are feeling all of these intense emotions, and that the family life is difficult but I PROMISE you it will pass. The pain you’re feeling? It’s intense, but not permanent. I am actually shocked that you are feeling this way towards yourself because you’re always so nice and helpful on here but also simultaneously I understand that BPD can cause these awful feelings and therefore it is now your turn to receive support. If someone has not said this to you today, I will. I love you.


thank you
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby OrbweaverLeads » Thu Jan 23, 2020 4:54 am

hi jaus tail.

My family is abusive. I understand the hate and rage. I'm a bit different to you in that I stopped feeling sorry for my abusive, narcissistic mother a long time ago. I found out that the path to healing included educating myself about narcissistic abuse and identifying narcissistic abuse - there turned out to be nothing to my relationship with my mother besides being abused in various different ways. Lots of gas-lighting, lots of grooming, lots of manipulation.

I found that once I went no contact with my family the hatred continued. It just found a different subject. Instead of my mother/father/sibling my hatred was directed at whoever slighted, abused or disrespected me last. There was a never-ending supply of cruel people once my family was out of my life. They say once you go no-contact with the abusive, narcissistic parent, you inadvertently get pulled in by the next, opportunistic narcissist as your boyfriend.

I hope things are easier for you. I hope you can get beyond the hatred and rage. The only thing that has helped me in the slightest is going on anti-psychotics.
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby jaus tail » Thu Jan 23, 2020 3:25 pm

do u feel guilty for staying away from ur family? i mean i would. its not that she was all bad. plus she had her own issues.
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby shock_the_monkey » Fri Jan 24, 2020 4:19 pm

first off, i have AS not BPD, so i don't belong here. nevertheless, i'll offer you my thoughts.

learn to meditate, if you haven't done so already. meditation provides a way for the mind to reset. you can't stop thinking about things by thinking about them. you have to stop thinking about them. only by stopping thinking about them can you find the space for more positive thoughts. the trick with meditation is to focus the mind on something else, be it breathing, a mantra, whatever, to the exclusion of everything else. by shutting down all external stimuli (the senses) and internal stimuli (memory) the mind starts to effectively float in its own inner peace. the experience can be very expansive, in as much as there can be a feeling of connection with life and the universe, almost as if you are one with everything. this has to be experienced. and this allows you to feel more refreshed and able to engage more constructively with life.

one of the problems people often have is that they try to force their lives along a certain path. they get obsessed with the destination, rather than the journey. every day is an opportunity to experience life. we decide for ourselves whether or not to enjoy that experience. if we always look at what we're missing, rather than what we've got, we're always going to be miserable rather than happy.

and i think people have rather a false understanding of happiness. true happiness is a state of contentment. it's when we don't feel that anything is missing in our lives because we're sufficiently self-reliant to recognise that we can meet our own very modest needs ourselves, rather than looking to other people or things for it.

do this and you may find your life opening up in new and unexpected directions. at the very least, you'll find it a lot more tolerable.

i found this website recently, which seems to me quite a good resource ...

https://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: i dont have a reason to live

Postby jaus tail » Sat Jan 25, 2020 9:43 am

yeah... I was expecting Disney level happiness a few years ago.
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