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Utterly incompetent and worthless

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Utterly incompetent and worthless

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Sun Jan 12, 2020 5:12 am

Why am I so ridiculously incompetent? I seriously wish that I could just vanish off the face of the earth because the pain of being this stupid and worthless and unwanted in anything just seems like a senseless life. I try, but the more I try the dumber I am. I have absolutely no conviction or confidence in anything I do. I doubt who I am CONSTANTLY. I had a shadow interview today as a bar back position and I literally looked so ridiculous and I had absolutely no idea what to do. I couldn’t remember any of the simple tasks I was told to do by the bartenders and they all seemed to be very annoyed with me. I am just a complete mess. Nothing feels fulfilling to me. I just want to crawl underneath a bridge and hide my self from the world. Whenever people give me compliments for anything I know they’re lying and just trying to manipulate me... I seriously just wish I could be euthanized.
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Re: Utterly incompetent and worthless

Postby jaus tail » Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:13 pm

i understand what you're going through. once i went to a solo trip n i got scammed by hotel guys rightaway. i cried that night. n then to all other hotels i ended up crying n feeling like a loser. texted a friend that i feel like a loser n he didnt reply back.

i've goofed up interviews. it can shatter one's confidence.

now i realize i was in wrong tasks. i'm not meant for solo trips or standing up to people. once a taxi driver shouted at me for asking him to take the shorter route. i took another taxi n cried in it.

i'm not superman. i dont want to stand up to people nor get into physical fights. maybe you also could find a job that interests you.

how old are you? i'm 30 n was in a super vulnerable n messy state in my 20s.
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Re: Utterly incompetent and worthless

Postby Remember Ronni » Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:46 pm

The trick I think is to remember most of those thoughts you're having are symptoms of your BPD. And I can tell you from experience that remembering that helps. At 52 I have long since learned the knack of telling my brain to ###$ off when it starts with that nonsense.

This job, maybe it's just not the right fit for you. Or maybe you were just having a really bad day and let your anxiety get the better of you.

I once felt as you described. I went on to be a lawyer for 25 years, with BPD. And yes there were many times I felt just like that, but I learned to read my BPD brain better, spotting the warning signs and reigning it in. It just takes a bit of practise that's all.

Journalling might help you. Keep a record of the things you do like, what youre good at. It helps I think to remind yourself that what you're feeling now might have nothing to do with the job at all - often we are triggered by other things. Our inability to regulate how we feel means we're not always able to spot the real triggers before we implode. Maybe there was something else going on for you or maybe something happened that made you angry?

Maybe you were just having a really off day. And January is a toughie for most people. No one wants to be there after a break. You are probably being way too hard on yourself.
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