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Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

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Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

Postby OrbweaverLeads » Fri Jan 03, 2020 1:07 am

I confided in a male friend that xmas day is an unhappy & stressful day for me because my family is full of conflict, aggression and arguments. I told him in confidence and assumed he understood it was private.

He’s been really tactless & insensitive about it. I’m shocked.

My xmas day was awful. He asked how my xmas was & I confided in him it was really bad and that I didn’t want to talk about it & just wanted to put it behind me, get on with something happy & positive. He then brought it up in front of other friends & I said, “I’ve already told you, it was bad. I don’t want to talk about it.” He didn’t seem to register that I was upset about it, didn’t want to talk about it in front of other friends or at all. Then later when we were alone together he asked me again, with this huge grin on his face like it was funny or something. I told him again, “I already told you, it was bad & I don’t want to talk about it.”

It seems like he was deliberately goading me & bringing up a painful topic just for fun.

I think I’m at the point where I have to end the friendship or try to give him feedback. Whenever I’ve given friends feedback it’s always been disastrous and I’ve regretted it.
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Re: Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Fri Jan 03, 2020 4:00 am

Next time they ask, ask them if they have a brain injury they didn't tell you about.

Or ask, "when you kept bringing $#%^ up the other night, did you keep forgetting, or did you find it funny, or..?"
(maybe the person innocently thought it was funny due to their own hinderences or maybe they were drunk or..)

Or do that whole DBT thing

- Describe fact (this may not be the proper way to describe fact but you get the picture).

"You kept asking me how my Christmas was. I repeatedly said it was bad and didn't want to talk about it. I don't know if you're absent minded or you were trying to piss me off"

- Emotion

"I'm confused what your motives were and I felt disrespected."

- Assert

"In the future, if I say something really bothers me and I don't want to talk about it, I want you to respect that."

- Reinforce

"That way we can continue being friends"

...    or something like that ...

Or end the friendship (you're the one who has to be friends with them or put effort into communicating with them, so it's up to you if it's worth the potential distress, invalidation- and possible growth for you and the friendship)
Bitches Be Tripping. They're me - I'm Bitches.  ~ unknown
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Re: Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

Postby OrbweaverLeads » Sat Jan 04, 2020 1:15 am

thanks DaturaInnoxia. Thank you for making me laugh and for all your great advice & understanding.

You got some excellent conflict resolution skills there. I have a very short temper so not sure I could deliver the whole DBT thing calmly but I'll think it over. You're right, I have to weigh up if it's worth the risk of invalidation as I'm still smarting from the disrespect.

Someone suggested he may miss social cues & be on the spectrum. Kinda rings true but it's hard to judge as I'm so emotional. If he is the conflict reso would be wasted on him & I'm likely to get offended by similar behaviours in the future.

I kind of hate that I'm so lonely that I had to confide in someone who hasn't the capacity to respect that. Maybe I should just try harder to make some new friends.
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Re: Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

Postby jaus tail » Sat Jan 04, 2020 6:10 am

i think what he did was insensitive. even i have acted like how he did a few times. share personal stuff of others just to get a few laughs from friends or to entertain myself.

it hurt badly when someone did that to me. i dont know much about him but now you know whom to not talk about your personal life.
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Re: Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

Postby Cholls » Fri Jan 10, 2020 12:13 am

OrbweaverLeads wrote:...
I kind of hate that I'm so lonely that I had to confide in someone who hasn't the capacity to respect that. Maybe I should just try harder to make some new friends.

You have answered your own question and solved your own problem :D

For whatever reason, your "friend" behaved like a dolt. If he did it because he doesn't know any better, he'll probably do it again. If he did it because he "got off" doing it, he'll probably do it again. If he was considerate enough to respond to your feedback (that is, were you to give him some), he wouldn't be in a position to need it, so don't waste your time.

Either way, he is nowhere close to behaving like a true friend. Good people would think twice before behaving that way, and really good people would never consider such behavior an option.

ALL of the few people whom I call friends are really good people. Look up ways to handle your loneliness, or suffer abuse from rectal sphincters such as this "friend" all your life.

Personally, I would cut that moe foe out of my life without any explanation. He doesn't deserve any more of your time, unless you're that desperate for company, in which case you deserve everything you get.

jaus tail wrote:i think what he did was insensitive. even i have acted like how he did a few times. share personal stuff of others just to get a few laughs from friends or to entertain myself.

it hurt badly when someone did that to me. i dont know much about him but now you know whom to not talk about your personal life.

Great advice here.

Like I said, your "friend" is not a real "friend".

Better than simply cutting him off, wait until he needs you or is vulnerable, then deliberately eff him over and make tracks far, far away from him. I mean it. Sticking it to a farquad is fun!!! If you can cripple him psychologically, more power to you. Doing so would cause him to reflect FAR more than kindly-worded feedback on his behavior.
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Re: Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

Postby OrbweaverLeads » Fri Jan 10, 2020 5:38 am

Cholls wrote:Look up ways to handle your loneliness, or suffer abuse from rectal sphincters such as this "friend" all your life.

unless you're that desperate for company, in which case you deserve everything you get.
.


That's all very nasty Cholls. Do you feel strong for insulting and bullying me with your reply? is that why you're participating in a mental health forum, to beat up vulnerable people and feel big about it?

I'm probably twice your age, have ten times more severe a trauma history than you and ten times more complex mental illness than you. But I'm not gonna explain all of that to you so you can abuse me about it. I did not survive to middle age, pay off a mortgage and achieve career & financial success listening to cruel people like you. Do me a favour and don't reply to my posts in the future. If you don't respect your fellow borderlines you don't respect yourself.

Next time you wanna lash out at someone, have the courage to pick on someone your own size in real life.
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Re: Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

Postby Cholls » Sat Jan 11, 2020 1:20 pm

OrbweaverLeads wrote:
Cholls wrote:Look up ways to handle your loneliness, or suffer abuse from rectal sphincters such as this "friend" all your life.

unless you're that desperate for company, in which case you deserve everything you get.
.


That's all very nasty Cholls. Do you feel strong for insulting and bullying me with your reply? is that why you're participating in a mental health forum, to beat up vulnerable people and feel big about it?

I'm probably twice your age, have ten times more severe a trauma history than you and ten times more complex mental illness than you. But I'm not gonna explain all of that to you so you can abuse me about it. I did not survive to middle age, pay off a mortgage and achieve career & financial success listening to cruel people like you. Do me a favour and don't reply to my posts in the future. If you don't respect your fellow borderlines you don't respect yourself.

Next time you wanna lash out at someone, have the courage to pick on someone your own size in real life.

You took me entirely the wrong way. Words without facial expressions and gestures encourage this.

I've been where you were in that post and learned the hard (and perhaps only) way that satisfying one's short-term "need" to alleviate loneliness rarely results in anything other than further damage to oneself.

I meant well and, if you choose to interpret what I said in a malicious way, when it was definitely NOT intended like that, remember that that was your choice.
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Re: Give feedback to a friend or burn bridges?

Postby Snaga » Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:56 am

Please take vociferous disagreements to private correspondence, or refrain, thanks
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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