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break up

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break up

Postby bpdguy1990 » Sun Dec 29, 2019 10:37 am

hey guys

really really struggling right now after falling in love (i think the real kind, not the bpd kind), having a fling and then having the girl say she just wants to be friends. she wasnt direct about why but she did mention it was because i made her uncomfortable. i think i was probably too needy. my therapist is away for the next few weeks and every day is very painful.

im trying to distract myself with comedies, video games and hanging out with friends but everything reminds me of her and it hurts. ive been practicing some dbt skills with average results, and writing/talking about feelings as well as positive re-enforcement like telling myself i have value and finding evidence for it etc. however it is still really painful.

does anyone have any advice just to get me through to when my therapist gets back? ive tried to find bpd online chats but they seem to just goof around and make jokes, and im not getting replies on the bpd subreddit.

thank you
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Re: break up

Postby jaus tail » Mon Dec 30, 2019 12:11 pm

its good your waiting for the therapist. maybe prepare a list of things you could discuss in therapy. like rehearse the conversation in ur mind.

talking to myself helps.
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Re: break up

Postby bpdguy1990 » Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:05 am

thanks
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Re: break up

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Thu Jan 02, 2020 9:42 pm

Break ups suck and I don’t even know how to cope with them myself. I feel like the person will never leave my mind and I’m so tired of people pretending to understand.
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Re: break up

Postby OrbweaverLeads » Fri Jan 03, 2020 1:14 am

that's hard bpdguy, sorry it didn't work out for you but good on you for trying.

It's annoying that she didn't give you much feedback. I always want feedback so I can have insight into my flaws & improve them but I find people generally don't have the courage to give feedback.

I think you're doing all the right things to distract yourself. When I'm desperate for a distraction I usually message all my 'friends' on face book & try to get someone to spend time with me. And I go onto Meetup and see if there are any events I can go to.

I also think diet & exercise are super important when mental health & symptoms are stressful. Try to do some strenuous exercise even if you don't feel like it. Try to make some healthy food even if you don't feel like it.

hang in there, the pain will pass.
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Re: break up

Postby bpdguy1990 » Fri Jan 03, 2020 2:39 am

jaus tail wrote:its good your waiting for the therapist. maybe prepare a list of things you could discuss in therapy. like rehearse the conversation in ur mind.

talking to myself helps.


thank you
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Re: break up

Postby bpdguy1990 » Fri Jan 03, 2020 2:40 am

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:Break ups suck and I don’t even know how to cope with them myself. I feel like the person will never leave my mind and I’m so tired of people pretending to understand.


im sorry to hear that. at least we're not alone in feeling this way
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Re: break up

Postby bpdguy1990 » Fri Jan 03, 2020 2:40 am

OrbweaverLeads wrote:that's hard bpdguy, sorry it didn't work out for you but good on you for trying.

It's annoying that she didn't give you much feedback. I always want feedback so I can have insight into my flaws & improve them but I find people generally don't have the courage to give feedback.

I think you're doing all the right things to distract yourself. When I'm desperate for a distraction I usually message all my 'friends' on face book & try to get someone to spend time with me. And I go onto Meetup and see if there are any events I can go to.

I also think diet & exercise are super important when mental health & symptoms are stressful. Try to do some strenuous exercise even if you don't feel like it. Try to make some healthy food even if you don't feel like it.

hang in there, the pain will pass.


thank you for the support, thats great advice.
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Re: break up

Postby OrbweaverLeads » Sat Jan 04, 2020 12:48 am

you're welcome bpdguy. You're doing really well in a tough situation.

Last time I got dumped I wanted to write abuse on his lawn in big letters with weed killer. I didn't act on those feelings, they were just feelings. but i was pretty psycho & took the rejection really hard.

It's great you've got some DBT skills. I haven't done DBT. And it's great you have friends and a trusted therapist. That shows people enjoy & value your company. I'm sure you're a wonderful person and boyfriend, she just wasn't compatible with you.
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re re:break up

Postby bpdguy1990 » Sat Jan 04, 2020 9:29 am

OrbweaverLeads wrote:you're welcome bpdguy. You're doing really well in a tough situation.

Last time I got dumped I wanted to write abuse on his lawn in big letters with weed killer. I didn't act on those feelings, they were just feelings. but i was pretty psycho & took the rejection really hard.

It's great you've got some DBT skills. I haven't done DBT. And it's great you have friends and a trusted therapist. That shows people enjoy & value your company. I'm sure you're a wonderful person and boyfriend, she just wasn't compatible with you.


haha i love it. thats great that you have that self-awareness and there's a period between thinking about the act and actually following through with it.

the last week has been amazing for my emotional and mental growth. while i havent seen my therapist yet i have been going to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. someone who had been in that fellowship for many years told me virtually all members would qualify for the bpd diagnosis.

im finding staying in touch with people from the program and abstaining from validation-seeking behavior has been enormously helpful. i identify as a love addict but also just a people addict - if they can make me feel validated i will try to spend all my time with them. naturally this pushes people away and i end up alone, and even if i spend all my time with them im worried the entire time they'll leave me. i cant win.

however i have been doing the 12 steps and relying on a 'higher power', whatever that is. i put my hands together and ask 'it' to remove my neediness as well as help love myself, then continue to tell myself that those thoughts that come into my head (such as 'i'll never be happy', 'i'll never be in a good relationship', 'life is meaningless without a relationship') are just lies.

i also pray and ask a higher power to help me love myself and validate myself, then activately do that in my mind ('youre polite, youre worthy of love, you can be happy single, youre creative etc). in a short amount of time i've done a complete 180, and even though they say rome wasnt built in one day, its incredible how much progress ive made in about ten days.

i won't be overconfident but this has made me feel more comfortable in my own space, by myself and with myself, than possibly ever before. im not a religious person but THANK GOD. i didnt know i didnt have to feel lonely when im alone, and i didnt know i had so many passions and hobbies i can indulge in!

if anybody is interested in this fellowship dont hesitate to ask! i have also heard schema therapy is incredible for feelings of loneliness and dependence on people. i will be starting that with my therapist in a few weeks and im feeling very optimistic. of course i have periods where i feel down and hopeless but i can come out with it quickly by going to a meeting, validating myself or calling a member.
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