Our partner

The Borderline Spiraling Cascade

Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: lilyfairy

The Borderline Spiraling Cascade

Postby Nurselove » Thu Nov 14, 2019 4:42 pm

BPD: the cascade of events explained..........

Trigger: weddings

Cause: history of a failed engagement. Rooted feeling associated with the event is extreme resentment, extreme anger, and extreme disappointment, for having to make my own dreams happen with little help financially from the other person. Last engagement l lost $3000 in deposits and the other person did not care. After I spent thousands of dollars ($30,000+) for both of us to travel during the 2-year time frame. As a result the underlying perception and emotion towards this person is: they are ungrateful and don’t deserve me (splitting) and can go to hell.

Event: I went with my best friend so she could try on wedding dresses. My mood became extremely elated seeing her in a wedding gown because now I was mentally tapping into a secret place in my brain that puts away my most desired dreams and wishes. Even though I had a failed engagement I can’t help but to revisit this dream because of everything that is happening in front of me. My imagination is running wild, going at X1000, everything in my mind is vivid and in 3D. All of those wedding details (dress, ring, reception, cake) I put in my memory bank over the years are becoming alive. Suddenly, I become extremely happy and excited. I can’t help but to not want a wedding like my best friend is having too. Watching her plan her dream wedding and having a supportive fiancé has brought out my own desires. I jokingly mention it to my boyfriend (impulsivity) because I’m extremely elated (high on drugs feeling). He responds and I keep egging on the conversation and sent a video of a type diamond that I’ve always loved and wanted to be married in one day. Although I am not a fan of costume jewelry, having the wedding ring of your dreams is important to me and most women in general.

Symptoms: The response I got back from my boyfriend didn’t sit well with me. He pointed out how superficial it is to base love off a materialistic object and was something he could not do. My immediate knee jerk reaction was EXTREME HURT→ EXTREME SADNESS→EXTREME DISAPOINTMENT→ EXTREME ANGER→ RAGE.... Now my emotions are driving the car. I cannot rationalize his response to save my life all I do is FEEL. Looking at the situation now without the emotional charge running the show I can see what happened. Why did I react this way? In my world of BPD I don’t process information the same as everyone else. While he saw the situation as financially impossible I was not seeing this at all. He forgets about my extreme BPD all or nothing thinking (splitting) patterns I have established over the years in my mind. In this situation, the object was a particular diamond I saw a long time ago. When I love something (could be anything) its extreme to one end. In other words, I become fixated on an extreme pole and cannot budge to something else (grey area/middle ground) once my mind is made up. When people with BPD are (spitting) they do not have a middle ground as shown in this case. So in this situation because I loved (extreme) this object so much when I first saw it, my mind did not have the ability to compromise (grey area/middle ground). Because I can’t compromise (grey) area, I am forced to demolish my idea or dream (marriage) in my mind. People with BPD who experience a crushed dream can cause a pretty devastating emotional blow (EXTREME HURT, EXTREME DISSAPOINTMENT, EXREME SADNESS, EXTREME CRYING). This is how I felt when he said it’s not going to happen. All my old feelings I had with my last engagement surfaced like a big “tidal wave”. I felt undeserving, unvalued, and unloved (old childhood wounds). To the outsider all of this looks ridiculous, petty, and materialistic on my part but when you dissect the cascade of events leading to my emotional response you will begin to understand what it is like to live with BPD. Perhaps the most difficult part of BPD is splitting all or nothing thinking. The terrible part is because this is such a deep hurt from past events I don’t know how long these feelings will remain. This is where dangerous coping mechanisms can creep in if you are not self-aware.

Aftermath: What does a BPD person look like after an event like this? Once the emotional storm has somewhat settled, most people with BPD can look back and figure out what happened. A lot of times we feel guilty and ashamed of how we reacted. At the same time when we revisit the event we get hit by all those extreme emotions all over again, and if we aren’t careful it can spiral into hate towards the other person (splitting). When we are hurt deeply we don’t want to be around the source of our hurt (the person). It’s like we want to run away and isolate from everyone because of how hurt we are feeling. Most people don’t understand and get confused by this type of behavior. They think we don’t care or love them but in reality what we are experiencing inside is so intense we don’t have the ability to think of anyone else’s feelings. During this time we are battling our thoughts and emotions towards the person. Because the hurt experienced was so intense you begin to question if the person even loves you or gives a damn about your dreams. Deep down inside you feel alone like no one cares.
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Nov 14, 2019 4:40 pm
Local time: Mon Nov 23, 2020 2:38 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Re: The Borderline Spiraling Cascade

Postby Remember Ronni » Fri Dec 06, 2019 9:47 pm

In your post you ask what does this look like?
Imagine your partner goes off with his best friend to look at Tuxs for his friends wedding. He came home and behaved like this. Yep, not pretty.
The thing that struck me most about your post though was almost 'I have BPD, I can't do those things," Yes research has shown differences in the brain scans of those with BPD but the areas affected are capable of change. You can learn to do them.
Grey is just a vamped up pros and cons list. Your head v Your heart. Once you start to really look for it beleiive me it gets so much easier.
How long does the average BPD storm last for you? Because maybe you need to start recognising when those feelings crop up. Really it's no more difficult than recognising the feeling you get when you're about to sneeze. What can you do during that storm to stop this happening? When the storm has passed, that's when you have the conversation.
Lastly and really I don't mean to be brutal here but your partner is not your ex. He is not to blame for the hurts in your past nor is it his job to compensate you for that. You cannot make him your enabler either. You have BPD and you're the one who needs to find ways of dealing with and managing your symptoms. That is not his job.
And you love this guy, right? So why treat him like this?
As for me I never wanted to get married. If persuaded there is absolutely no way I would waste all that money on one day. It's not that day that matters, its the rest of your lives.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
Remember Ronni
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 2709
Joined: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:17 am
Local time: Mon Nov 23, 2020 11:38 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum

  • Related articles
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 37 guests