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Frustrated about having BDP

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Frustrated about having BDP

Postby easyy » Fri Nov 08, 2019 6:17 pm

I've been diagnosed and in treatment for 1 year. Although I've learned alot about myself, and my reactions & behaviours, I am completely scared and frustrated to have to live with this condition for the rest of my life.

I knew something was wrong with me when I was around 12. I always was extremely insecure about myself and everything I do, and still am to this day. In the following 13 years (I'm 25 now) I've done everything to prove myself I'm not a piece of scum.

I tried to develop myself as a men, and started training fighting. I've won all my matches, alot with knockouts. I also was insecure about myself and women, so I tried to sleep with and have relationships with woman I was attracted too as much as I can. I quit smoking weed and started going to an prestigious College, finished it and also got a license as a personal trainer.

On paper I am very proud of myself of what I achieved, especially from the background of being the weird loser as a kid. Yet I exactly feel like the weird loser I felt I was as a kid.

I'm starting too think this is just who I am, no matter what I achieve, how many validation I get from peers or whatever.

I am truly unhappy about life and especially about the person I am. I always hope for a better tomorrow but after so many years it almost seems that these are just the cards that have been dealt to me.

My true wish for life is to finally be confident about myself, and attract the people who can see the good in me without me rejecting them. I'm not suicidal or anything (I used to) but I do feel hopeless.
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Re: Frustrated about having BDP

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Sun Nov 10, 2019 1:32 am

Whenever someone else or I is having these feelings due to BPD I always say wait 5 minutes and then you/I will be dancing in the living room...

Kidding... kind of...

But on a serious note I know exactly how you feel about being frustrated about not feeling like life is fulfilling or as if you are completely empty and depleted. It’s absolutely tormenting and is difficult to articulate sometimes. I wish I could fill you up with so much love that you didn’t have to feel this pain anymore. I wish we could all feel full.

The highs are great but then the lows are a tragic crash of melancholy and a general sense of aimlessness.

You can get through this. Us borderlines are super strong.
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Re: Frustrated about having BDP

Postby easyy » Sun Nov 10, 2019 6:38 pm

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:Whenever someone else or I is having these feelings due to BPD I always say wait 5 minutes and then you/I will be dancing in the living room...

Kidding... kind of...



Funny that you mentioned this as a joke. Because in alot of cases it's actually true. Friday I felt hopeless and I had semi-suicidal thought, Saturday was one of the best days I've had this month.

When I was younger and felt good, I would look back at the moments I was severly depressed for a day or two, and thinking I was being a wuss because I felt better in no time.

Even though everytime I feel better, I always have this lingering feeling and thought in my mind that I can get depressed in a split second.

I feel better now as we speak, but every day I wake up it feels like it's 50/50. My biggest fear is that I will have more bad days then good days in my life, like how it was when I was growing up.

We borderliners are super strong, I believe that too, but man it's a ######6 rollercoaster ride and I want too get off.
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Re: Frustrated about having BDP

Postby Nickiliz » Thu Feb 06, 2020 5:53 pm

Thank you for sharing! Your post sounds exactly like my 20s. To everyone on the outside I looked like a highly functioning overachiever. On the inside, every minute of every day was a struggle. No matter what I achieved, it was never enough to see myself in a good light. I too worried that the bad would out weigh the good. I even thought that I would not live to see my 30s because the daily torture would be to much for me to survive.

I am now 34 and often reflect on how different my life is now. I am not going to say it is all sunshine and roses, but through consistent treatment I find that there are many more good times than bad. I know how to care for myself better and those who love me have learned how to understand what is I deal with daily.

I encourage you to focus on the good times and find the treatment plan that works for you. Although the diagnosis feels like dooms day, thriving with BPD is possible!
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