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Am I goddamn BPD or no ???

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Am I goddamn BPD or no ???

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Sun Oct 27, 2019 4:40 pm

I feel like I probably put too much emphasis on my diagnosis and have made it my identity because the idea of possibly not being borderline makes me sad and that has really been a smack in the face for me to get a god damned life. I don't know, I feel like I attract a lot of other BPD's in my life, especially in the case of potential relationship partners. It seems to me I have this idea in my head that "there is only room for one Borderline in this town" so I constantly feel invalidated or as if I am not BPD for the sole fact that I seem to attract those with clear emotional issues. I always seem to be the one that gets strung along and manipulated which further invalidates my BPD-hood because I feel as though I should be the one doing that to other people... am I not BPD enough? All of these questions swirling around in my already discombobulated brain is enough to make me say ###$ it and just identify as a loser. A ######6 dumb loser who literally has no place on the face of the earth.

I feel like the whole time I have been posting on this forum I was lying to you all, and I am a complete fraud for that.

I feel like my issues aren't really that important. That everything I have ever gone through doesn't even compare or matter to the rest of the worlds issues. I must be some ######6 ungrateful spoiled brat! I have 0 right to feel anything.

I feel like I am constantly the one chasing relationships. The one going after people who are either unstable or unavailable... maybe I am co-dependent? I don't think so, because I don't necessarily have an urge to fix people... unless fixing them means they'll stay with me forever and it will just be me and them against the world.

Can someone validate me already

###$ why am I like this?

I want to hurt myself because I feel like everything I have ever said is a lie and fraudulent.

Am I a good person or a bad person?

... No one cares retard

###$ i'll probably be dancing in my living room in 30 minutes and completely forget how i'm feeling right now

I invalidate myself.

-- Sun Oct 27, 2019 11:49 am --

You're not BPD you ######6 poser just shut up and ###$ off already... people have real issues and you're just trying to exploit them to make yourself seem pitiful. Guess what? You are pitiful, but not because of BPD, but because you're a fraud and need to get a life! HAHAHAHA loser! Go die.
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Re: Am I goddamn BPD or no ???

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Mon Oct 28, 2019 3:00 pm

Jk I’m BPD lol
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Re: Am I goddamn BPD or no ???

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Mon Oct 28, 2019 6:42 pm

Thanks for the replies you jerk offs
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Re: Am I goddamn BPD or no ???

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Oct 30, 2019 8:02 pm

You may want to look into dissociative disorders--those arguing thoughts sound quite separate and are addressing you in the second person. And complete switching from one mood to another, with no access to the feelings of the previous one, can also be dissociative. Are these different moods each consistently stable? Like, when you're in the self-critical mood, that has all its own thoughts and feelings that you're immersed in, and when you're in the happy, dancing mood, that has all its own optimistic thoughts and feelings?

Do you have a therapist? You may want to look for someone who is trauma-informed and can help you sort this out.
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Re: Am I goddamn BPD or no ???

Postby softscintilla » Thu Oct 31, 2019 2:31 am

^Agree with @gangsallhere

I think there's a lot of layers to BPD. I think it can get pretty complex.
A big feature of my own BPD is that I subjugate my needs/self to myself and to others, and put others before me...because this is what my parents did to me...they required me to be more attuned to them than to me, and the environment was totally invalidating to me. I used to be very codependent and find partners to rescue; I'd give them the nurturing I never got. I've come to realize that healing is actually about giving that nurturing to myself that I never got, not to others. Idk if relaying my experiences helps you. I hope you do find a way to do some therapy work.

Fwiw -- I've done a lot of DBT and it's not been adequate for me. I researched Schema Therapy, designed to treat BPD/PDs, used mostly in Europe so far (to great success). Luckily my psych is on board to learn it and use it with me. Anyhow, all of that is to say that perhaps this outline of ST will help you see how some parts of the self can interact dysfunctionally with other parts. https://www.healthline.com/health/schem ... -therapist
Here's a list of the 18 so-far-identified dysfunctional modes, per ST: http://schematherapist.com/18-schemas/. At least for me, even this basic info helped me start to see my dysfunctions more clearly, which was followed by a little compassion for myself that I'd never felt before.

I'm not sure a psych label can be modified to indicate if you're suffering more than the people around you, or what good that would do. I don't believe 'more severe' labels deserve more care to ourselves. I think all that matters is our distress & dysfunction levels in our own range, i.e. "you compared to you."

It does seem you are experiencing really intense distress & suffering, and that's enough, isn't it.

Wishing you some comfort.
Dx: STPD+BPD, w/ lots of Axis I disorders
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Re: Am I goddamn BPD or no ???

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Fri Nov 01, 2019 3:36 pm

I definitely experience dissociation but I don’t think I have a full on dissociative disorder. I feel like I split on myself and my emotional state. So when I am in a positive mood all I have are good thoughts towards myself but then when I am in an awful state I am completely self-loathing and suicidal. I tend to be more in a low state however, because I tend to split myself black and others white more often. I also experience severe rage to the point that I’ll head bang and bite myself. Usually when I cut myself it’s due to the gnawing emptiness or need for release. When I hit myself or bite my self it’s very reactionary and impulsive. This usually happens if I am trying to do a task and I cannot do it right so I get angry at myself and start engaging in those particular forms of self harm. Sometimes I’ll be alone with my thoughts and that can be enough to start hitting myself if I start thinking about how I have done awful things or how terrible of a person I am. It really feels like I deserve to be hurt in those moments.

Also, it’s not so much that I want my mental illness to be severe for the pity but more so because I feel like I have to escalate my symptoms in order to be noticed or validated in my struggles. My whole life I have been told that I need to just “suck it up” and “get over it” which really puts me over the edge and is sure to translate into a full blown rage.
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Re: Am I goddamn BPD or no ???

Postby softscintilla » Fri Nov 01, 2019 5:48 pm

@sickofbeinginvalid, everything you’ve described about your experiences of yourself resonates with mine/my BPD dysfunctions. You could be describing me. I apologize if I implied you sought pity, that was not my intention at all. I meant that I used to tell myself that others had it worse & that was self-defeating for me.
You are definitely not alone.
I’m relieved you replied, and hoping things get better and better for you as you go forward.
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