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I ended up driving my fiance away - trigger warning

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I ended up driving my fiance away - trigger warning

Postby Billytalent » Tue Oct 15, 2019 7:37 pm

Hey all, I used to be a functional borderline caring for my 3 kids as a single mom and running a law office for 10 years.

The stresses of the last few years of raising my kids, who all have adhd and bpd,and leaving my legal job and losing a job i loved in retail finally took their toll and the past year I have not been very functional at all.

I have ended up being an in patient in the psych ward twice in the past year and a few emergency visits to get help and I was told I needed to get some treatment and planned on it, but it is hard to get into programs and bus to them when you are working full time and being a spouse. It seemed like too much to handle. I ended up quitting a job, getting another one and quitting it too and I never signed up for any programs or counselling.

I spent the summer looking for new work and I was getting a ton of interviews, but no real job offers, only some really part time jobs which I knew were not distracting enough for me. My fiance was having to mostly support us, when usually we had shared the bills, so he was pushing me to find work too.

I thought I was going well this summer, i liked the medication I was on and I was doing yoga and reading and baking and doing a lot of healthy outdoor activities 3 or 4 times a week with my fiance. My fiance's family decided that their 3 sons should come to visit for 8 days without their wives and once I knew that, it was always at the back of my mind that he would be leaving me in October.

My fiance and I have managed to have a really healthy relationship, probably because both of us revolve our life around our children and our work and mostly each other. He has usually never pushed my BPD buttons because he has always been there for me. During my illness, we had my daughters move out so we could finally focus on ourselves. We were supposed to have gotten married last May, but our work hours had been cut and it just did not seem a good time to do it, so we postponed it, but of course I was disappointed to cancel our honeymoon.

In the past few weeks, I have been in a total panic about his leaving me for his trip, I was crying a lot and not sleeping well and I just wish he would have reassured me that he was going to call every day and miss me and be back before I knew it, but all he kept saying was "You will be okay, you will be okay, you will be okay." like a broken record. when he held my hand, it was like holding a branch and when he hugged me, it was not comforting at all.

Last Thursday, my fiance was supposed to be bringing his brother over for supper and I had not realized that his brother was coming to town 3 days before their trip, so i was panicking at losing him even before his trip out of town. He called me just as I was waking up and said that he and his brother were going on a hike instead and out to dinner instead of coming home. His brother had said, should we not go home and get me, but he said I had food at home and had been hiking lots this summer, so i did not need to go. He was elated to be spending time with his brother and I almost feel like he thought I should be elated with him.

I was trying to be supportive of him spending time with his brother, but when he told me they would be gone until 8:00 pm, that was the first wave of anxiety, but I said to have fun and acted like I was fine with it. I was determined not to lose it, that I was going to show how healthy I was because his brother had come at Christmas when I was sick and ended up being admitted. I kept telling myself that the last thing I could was lose it while he was here.

I did my daily routine of chores and yoga and had a bath, but I was starting to panic and I called my daughter twice and we thought I should go for a walk and get out of the house. So I managed to be gone until he got back, but I was starting to have thoughts of how much he was hurting me cuz he knew I was crying and desperate at his leaving already, how could he ditch me to go hiking and eat at our fave little restaurant without me?

When i returned home from my walk, he was supposed to be home by then, but when his car was not in the driveway - that is when I completely lost it and called him screaming about how hurt and angry I was at him for ditching me and I ended up smashing our phone and he was trying to call me back and I could hear his frantic messages, but I could not answer cuz the phone was in pieces.

He was probably home 20 minutes later, but by then I was a crazed person screaming and hitting him and I have never been like that at all with him in all of our years together. I was shrieking that I did not care that he was sorry and how could he be so stupid as to think i would not be upset at his ditching me already? I was telling him I could not do this anymore and I no longer wanted to marry him and I was totally out of control.

He said he could not take it anymore and that i was sick and needed help and then I was freaking that he was leaving and I said I was going to take all of my pills and die cuz there was no point to living anymore. He went outside to talk to his brother and I ended up hurting myself (something I have not done in 30 years) and I ran to him bleeding.

Of course then i was taken away by ambulance and the police were involved and by the time I was on my way to the hospital, I was starting to feel like the biggest loser, all ashamed and shocked at my own behaviours.

I get to the hospital and I call my fiance and he just is saying "I need a break and I am going to go try to enjoy myself honey" and all I can think is that the police told him to say this to placate me. I know he won't be home and is leaving that night, so I ask him if he has packed for his trip already and he is not saying much and I say "fine bye!"

So I come home a couple hours later with my daughter and I realize he has packed 90% of his belongings including decorations and he has locked me out of his banking and I am in total anguish that he has left me which was my greatest fear and now i am at home unemployed, my children gone, in this huge house with 5 cats and it is awful.

I tried calling my fiance the next day and he did not return my call and now he is out of town with his family and I am trying to give him the break everyone says he needs, but what about me and what I need? I don't get a break from the BPD, it is always with me.

My children and my father and brother have all reassured me that this is just a breather and we can work things out when he gets home and most of the time I believe this, but then I start to panic that i just ruined a great relationship with a genuinely kind man who truly loves me, but this damn BPD is just killing what we had.

Even though we have spoken about BPD, he has read a bit about BPD, he has seen my daughter for years with her BPD and acting out, he just does not seem to realize that I have no control of this. The only good to come of this is that I am going to get help and I wish I had beforehand. I could have gone to see my own brother out of town and that is my plan if my fiance does not come home after his trip because I know losing him for good is going to be a whole world of pain.
Billytalent
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Re: I ended up driving my fiance away - trigger warning

Postby Nurselove » Thu Nov 14, 2019 4:59 pm

Take a deep breath... Your main priority is to get yourself together and get the BPD under control. Don't beat yourself up for what happened instead make a plan to move forward with getting better. It is not your fault that you have knee jerk reactions to abandonment. But it is your responsibility to get help and to work together with your boyfriend to figure out a strategy when the BPD shows up. Communication between you and your fiancé is very crucial because he has to understand exactly what triggers you and all the chain of events following. If he is understanding and willing to work with you as far as learning more about BPD then your relationship will have a chance. Remain under control don't stalk him or harass him as he will move farther away. If he loves you he will come around.
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Re: I ended up driving my fiance away - trigger warning

Postby Billytalent » Sat Nov 16, 2019 3:57 am

Thanks Nurselove - i am trying so hard to take care of myself and get the help i need and have gone on 5 job interviews since he left. My fiance left me 5 weeks ago and it was not a breather - he ran off and started using a new phone number and I have no contact. He seems to think I will be sick and unemployed forever and has forgotten the 6,5 good years we had where i helped him in his life. I spent so much time making his life better, but then he left me when i really needed him. It is unbearable and I am trying to move on, but i still hope he will be miserable without me and come home, but he obviously does not want that,
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