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My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

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My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

Postby Billytalent » Mon Oct 14, 2019 7:36 pm

While \i was raising my children for the past 24 years, I was able to live a mostly normal life. I was a single mom since my twins were 8 months old and my son was 6. I finished college and ran a law office for 10 years, And I have been with a great man for the past 7.5 years.

A year and a half ago, it seems it all started falling apart - i lost a job i really loved because they had to close all of their stores. I had finished a Makeup Artistry course and spent 3 months looking for a beauty job and it did not happen,

So I found work at a new store opening and that job seems to have destroyed me. Within a month of the store opening, i had decided to go to heaven and overdosed. My work hours and my fiance's work hours kept us from seeing each other for days and we were really distant just trying to get through our work days.

had not done this since I was 17. I was hospitalised for about a week and they confirmed that I still had borderline personality disorder and that I also had ADHD.

We decided that this would be a life changing experience and made plans to marry finally (we had been engaged for 4 years) and asked my daughters to move out in a few months and we made changes at work so that we would see each other more often,

Well of course life is not a fairy tale and my meds made me worse and my girls were acting out at having to move and start their own lives and I was working long hours during the christmas rush and my fiance had family visiting and I became so overwhelmed that I ended up in the hospital again, but just for a night. My fiance spent the night there with me and we decided that the chaos in our household was too much with my 18 year old girls, so we asked them to move out then so we could finally relax and start our life together.

Well my children leaving was awful - I knew it was for the best for all of us to live apart because my daughters both have bpd and adhd too, but the empty nest feelings were horrible.

Still I hoped with time it would all settle, but it did not because the stimulants I was on were making my bpd worse and I could not stop shopping and had to blast music crazy loud and could not concentrate so i could not read and i felt like i was plugged into a wall full of electricity coursing through me and I ended up asking the police to form me so I could get help. I was having trouble seeing and it was just awful.

So I spend another week at the hospital and I get a new medication for my ADHD and this med makes me even worse, I had become a screaming banshee that my fiance did not recognise me at all and I was angry and just felt awful all of the time no matter if i was at home or work, although work allowed me to be more distracted.

So I got off the adhd meds, quit my job after 8 months and realizing it would never get better, went to the ER to get better meds for my BPD and thought this was it, I would finally be better.

So the meds were working well, I was a lot calmer and able to bake and read. My fiance and I were doing a lot of nature walks, bike rides, the beach etc. and I was looking for a good job where I could put my talents to use in retail. I ended up applying to over 100 positions and did about 20 interviews and still could not get work, so the panic was starting after 3 months and my savings were dwindling,

My fiance was having to support us with his salary when we had always shared the bills equally so he was pushing me to find work. But he was grateful that my mood was good and I was able to be calmer and enjoy life again. We tried to see it as a time we got closer and I was getting well, but we both looked forward to me working so we had money for extras because our life felt on hold and it was not fun to keep postponing plans like the wedding we had to postpone which was supposed to be in May.

So here I am unemployed, we never got married and we could not go on a vacation or anything because money was really tight, but we managed. We were supposed to go see his family this summer after our honeymoon, but that was postponed. So his family suddenly decides that their three sons should come up to visit with no wives.

This is what ruined my recovery. Once I knew that he was leaving in a couple months, it is like I started building a wall between us. We went through the motions of hanging out as a couple and treated each other kindly, but if he hugged me, i was not comforting and if he held my hand, it was like holding a branch. But I was saying the right things about how good it would be for him to see his family and how I was happy for him, even though I was sad for me.

In the last few weeks, the panic was starting and I was not sleeping well and I was crying for hours in the middle of the night. If I spent a lot of time with my fiance, I was pretty good, but if he had to nap after work or we did not get out of the house to hike on the weekends, then I was awful.

By last week, I was a clingy and desperate wreck and I was crying and missing him already with my fiance right in front of me - he could not seem to reassure me or comfort me - just saying "You will be okay. you will be okay. you will be okay" or Of course you will find a job. It was like listening to a broken record.

His brother arrives in town a few days before their trip and I realise I will lose my fiance even more now, it is not just 8 days, but another 3 days of having his focus off of me. On Thursday, his brother was supposed to come over for supper and hang out with me and I was determined that I would be normal and not act crazy because I was not doing well at christmas when he was up. I kept telling myself that it was only 10 days and then I would have my fiance back all to myself and I could hang out doing my own thing, but the problem is I was already spending most of the days and nights by myself and tired of my own company. My whole life was revolved around my fiance coming home and doing stuff with me.

Instead I wake up at 2 pm and my fiance calls to tell me that he and is brother are going hiking and they are going to eat out and at first I am okay with it cuz I have just woken up. His brother said they should come home to get me, but my fiance says no they don't need to do that - cuz we always go hiking and I can just eat something at home.

Well that afternoon I was determined to hold it together - i ate, did my yoga, did chores, was really telling myself that i could not lose it in front of his brother, that this was the last thing I could do. I call him to tell him about a job interview i scheduled for the next day and I can tell he is not listening at all, he sounds like he is in love with his brother, he is barely listening and they are eating at my fave restaurant.

I call my daughter to tell her how left out I feel, I take a bath and suddenly I am completely enraged. I cannot believe he is ditching me to go to my favourite places and here I am already crazy sad about his leaving on Saturday for 8 days. I think how dare he do that to me when he knows how sad I am. I call my daughter again trying to be okay and I decide to go for a walk until the time he is supposed to be home at 8 pm.

I am walking and trying to shop and I am shaking and feel horrible and then I cannot stand it any longer, I go home thinking I can pull him aside for a few minutes and let him know how hurt I was, but no - he is not even home so I call him and they are now downtown looking at lights and I am livid and and shrieking about how angry I am and I end up smashing the phone into pieces.

I swear if the phone had been okay, he was calling me over and over to see what happened cuz he is completely shocked cuz I acted fine on the phone earlier in the day. so they finally arrive probably half an hour later and he is yelling that he is sorry and can't understand how I am so angry and he seems to think that because he was so thrilled to see his brother, that I should be sharing the same feelings or something.

I then start screaming that I don't care if he is sorry and I throw a candle and while he leaves to go talk to his brother - I decide to hurt myself and I am bleeding everywhere and of course they have to call for help and take me to the hospital cuz I am suicidal.

By the time I am in the ambulance, I am fully ashamed and shocked at my own behaviour. I try calling him from the hospital and he tells me over and over that he needs a break and he wants to try to enjoy himself on the trip. I feel that the police told him just to say that and I hang up,

I am released pretty quickly cuz I don't want to stay at the hospital and would rather be at home and my daughter comes to the hospital and brings me home.

I come home and my fiance has not just packed for his trip, he has packed pretty much everything he owns except furniture -even his eagle statues and his wedding suit and dress shoes. He locks me out of his banking too like I would ever steal from him. It is like he thinks I am now a demon woman and he just has to get away from me immediately.

So here I am just reeling from how sick I am - that I have literally driven the most important and special man in my life away. I am ashamed and so very sorry about what happened and I tried to call him, but he would not take my calls.

My family members all think if I give him this time and space that we can work things out when he gets back, but I am scared that his family is turning him against me and that they all hate me.

It is so mortifying that my fiance and his brother saw me like that and I can give him the space this week but i really do not know what I will do if he doesn't come home to me.

I do know that I have to finally get read help for my BPD - i thought if I just ate, slept well, did yoga, took my meds, got fresh air that I could keep it at bay, but it was like stopping a moving train.
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Re: My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

Postby Remember Ronni » Tue Oct 22, 2019 9:00 am

Something that effects many woman is the dreaded menopause. Mine started when I was 39. I am 52 now. I went from being undiagnosed to crazy loon. First bash at a diagnosis, which helped in a way, was bipolar (later ruled out) because it made me keep a mood diary and guess what, there was an obvious pattern. I am what they call a quiet borderline I guess. I kept my symptoms very much hidden, but once my hormones went haywire there was no avoiding it. That's when I was diagnosed, correctly I believe, with BPD.

I am not saying blame it all on the hormones but they can effect you a lot more than you think. Might be worth checking it out. I take HRT and it makes a hell of a difference. I still have BPD and the symptoms but now my hormones are stable so is that and no more screaming banshee moments.

Hope you're not offended by this. It seems to be something rather dismissed by doctors. I was told I was too young for the menopause and didn't need hormones. In the end they humoured me and it really did make a difference
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Re: My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

Postby Billytalent » Wed Oct 23, 2019 6:08 pm

Remember Ronni - yes i thought it could be perimenopause, but my doctor had my hormones checked and they were fine.

I think it was just too many stresses after so many years - one suicidal daughter, one bulimic daughter, his daughter is morbidly obese with bedwetting issues at 12, my son moved back in after a failed relationship, a few job losses and new jobs for each of us, financial stresses because of cut hours at work or my unemployement. Then you add the fact of my ADHD and BPD and it is a perfect storm.

Plus the empty nest - my son moved out and then my girls moved out last January and his daughter stopped wanting to spend weekends, just short visits.

We were expecting to have this honeymoon now that we were finally free and able to focus on each other. And my fiance is very quiet and a loner - without me working or seeing my kids and we have no friends, it was getting very boring for my high energy ADHD personality.

It has been two weeks and he has returned home and he is still ghosting me - guess he really wants to make a clean break but it sucks that our last moments together were him watching me get taken away by the paramedics and our last words were that he really needed a break and was going to try to enjoy his trip away with his family.

I was sure that if i held it together and did not add to the self harm or end up hospitalized, that he would come straight home and we work things out. I was ready to finally get help and I am going to do that with our without him now, but I really thought after 7.5 years together, we would weather every storm and get through these difficult times together.

It seems that he really depended on me to take care of him and then when I expected him to help take care of me - he cut and run.

I guess i am going to have to start thinking of him as my ex - it is hard because we had planned to get married last spring and we were so excited planning it and getting our rings and his suit and i had a wonderful dress. We had a honeymoon booked in Niagara Falls and I was still really anxious and depressed and both our work hours had been cut, so i decided we needed to cancel it.

And here we are he has switched phones and i have no way to reach him cuz he is not a guy with an email address or facebook account.

I never expected to be starting over at 46, unemployed and left behind.
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Re: My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

Postby Remember Ronni » Thu Oct 24, 2019 3:08 pm

My initial hormone tests came back normal too. I had some more of the obvious symptoms though - hot flushes etc so to humour me i think they gave me some hormones. It made a huge difference and I went back to work again.

I am/was a lawyer. Relationship ended. He cut me off dead, by email. When I kept emaiing he had me arrested. As I said I did return to work. I got made redundant. The next job I got sacked. I was sick one too many times. Now unemployed and living on benefits.

It's a battle. I really do empathise though. Different circumstances and stories, but it's hard. You sound like a tough lady though, all you've been through. I have no doubts you will get through this too. You will look back and all you will see is a bump in the road. You just need to beleive you can. Then it's one step in front of the other.
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Re: My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

Postby Billytalent » Fri Oct 25, 2019 1:40 am

Thanks Remember Ronni - I am usually a "tough lady" - have always been so functional and strong for my children and then I had to rely on my fiance and i hated being his boring house wife - i love going to work and making a living. I did not like being so isolated and dependent on him - it was such a change from our first 7 years together.

I guess eventually this will seem a blessing in disguise - we almost got married in May, but it was my money that would be paying for most everything - the whole honeymoon, the rings, a camera and I am glad that I stopped the whole thing when i realized we were both losing work hours and it was not a good time to do this.

In the last 5 months, it was him mostly supporting us while i looked for work. I guess he could not hack it - he liked when we lived like roommates splitting the bills and rent in half. This is not a guy i would want to spend my life with, if this past year is any indication.

I guess he figured that once my children moved out we would have this "honeymoon" period whether or not we got married and instead i was frustrated and disappointed at my job search not panning out. And then when he was leaving for 8 days, I could not keep the panic at bay and totally lost it. I can see why he was pushed away - he could not understand that my BPD could make me lash out and say things I did not mean because of my fear - i think he took at face value the things I said about no longer wanting to marry him, that I could not take it anymore.

I also wonder if this guy was so great for me after all cuz usually my BPD lays dormant unless changes really need to be made. I was never so sick as this past year, always wanting to just end it and now i that it is all fallen apart, i am starting to feel strong again and I will pick up the pieces of my life and start again.

I started looking for work again even just part time or seasonal and i am trying to set up two groups for help for my bpd and I am talking to my brother who lives far away, but is also lonely so we are rekindling our sibling relationship after 9 years of not speaking much. I also am seeing my children a lot more and talking to them - i found out that when my daughters moved out last January - my ex tried to cut them out of my life completely - he said they were the reason that i had tried to commit suicide and that we would be happier without them. I had no idea he told them this and that is why i have hardly seen my kids since January. I was also suffering this past year at my empty nest because being a mother gave me such purpose and hope in my life.
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Re: My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

Postby Remember Ronni » Fri Oct 25, 2019 9:35 am

Anyone having to go through all of that would struggle. Add BPD to the mix as well. You have had a hell of a lot to cope with. I know it hasn't been easy but it sounds to me like you're doing really well. This stuff takes time. Just keep believing in yourself. You will come through this. Then you'll see just how strong you really are. I am not having a pop at your ex here, but maybe, for now at least, you are better off on your own. It's time to focus on you for a change and what the next chapter looks like.
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Re: My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

Postby Billytalent » Fri Oct 25, 2019 11:27 pm

Remember Ronni - yeah i am starting to see that i am better off on my own too. He was only good with me when I had him on the highest pedestal. Then when I wanted him to be a more supportive partner, emotionally and financially he could not hack it.

I have a job interview for a pet place on Monday - full time too. That would be great because I have not worked full time since last December and I am a high energy ADHD woman too who likes to be out amongst people helping and conversing with them.

If i can get only find a part time job, i will look into disability cuz i imagine i would qualify after this past year.

And I realize that I can get a roommate to help me pay for the rent in this 4 bedroom house. It is so empty now with all my 3 kids gone, my stepdaughter too and my fiance.

One thing with having ADHD is we usually do our best when there is chaos and life knocks us down. I am finding the strength I seemed to have forgotten I had in the past year. My daughter says that I am finally sounding like the mom she has always known - not this really mentally ill person anymore.

I hope I do well at this interview cuz that would really help me, whether I work things out with my ex or not in the long run.
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Re: My life is falling apart at 46 - triggerr warning

Postby raininmybrain » Sat Nov 09, 2019 2:20 am

I'm sorry you had to go through these awful experiences. I hope you get to work with pets like you want! Or something else cool. Not sure if it's of any help, but I'll just list my impressions. I don't take any medication for my BPD (don't have ADD though) and it sounds like medications were a trigger in this case? I find other stuff (EMDR, regular deep tissue massage, alone time, writing, exercise, low sugar, etc.) help me without medication, for ADD I know most people seem to take meds for it though, but maybe holistic or online cognitive trainings options could be of some help.

I'm also surprised if this guy was around that long he couldn't handle a little candle-throwing and suicide attempt. Not to make light of things, but I figure we need men who aren't so sensitive to the occasional outburst. I totally relate to being triggered when a partner is visiting family and really have been asserting myself lately to make sure family doesn't intervene with the stability of my relationship, but it's triggering as hell feeling like you're second-best. That is low, and also sad, that he took all of that stuff and just ran without explanation - good thing you found out what kind of person he was.
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