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Fear of abandonment

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Fear of abandonment

Postby professionals21 » Fri Aug 09, 2019 2:42 pm

Hi everyone,

I've been a lurker for years but absolutely feel the need to post seeking your advice. First, I've come to realize I experience intense, asexual crushes; this has been going on since I was a middle school student, and has nearly always been with me. The highs in the beginning of the crush stages are absolutely delightful, and I don't want anything else when I find *that* person. I become on cloud nine thinking about the person, my overall mood improves, I get out and exercise, etc. And the best way I can describe how I feel for the person is being infatuated with them, 100% loyal and willing to stand up for them, but not really feeling interest in them sexually. It is possible that what I'm about to ask also applies even if you do feel for them sexually, but in my case, over the course of the last several years, my crushes have always been of the same gender as me, and been asexual desires. It likely stems from my not feeling desires for anyone sexually at all, so for me, having these types of crushes is the equivalent of what people feel for sexual crushes -- just without the intimacy, if you will.

This particular crush I didn't even have feelings for when we first met, and then out of nowhere, something made me truly interested in learning more about her. In a matter of 24 hours, she went from a peer to the next asexual crush of mine. In what is only something I can describe as fascinating (and something I'll never be able to fully understand or describe), she became the girl who makes my heart race when I see her, blush, and get nervous around. The reason for my posting this is because as quick as she became the desire on my mind 24/7, within 2 weeks, the program I met her in ended and I'm left wondering when and if I will ever see her again.

What makes this crush situation absolutely hard for me is knowing how short our time together was, but for me, was so intense. I immersed myself in learning everything I could about her, hanging out with her, texting her, and seeing her as much as possible (that was the good thing -- she was on a text string, which is how I got to know her). I will go from seeing her a few times a week to once every few months, if she agrees to get together (I know I will if she asks me, but it needs to be reciprocal). I'm having a tremendously hard time feeling so sad that I won't see her as often. I fear so badly she will forget about me and I'll look like a desperate person chasing after her when she doesn't care about me anymore. I already feel like I care more about her than she me, which is understandable, yes...but doesn't make it any easier for me. I've already done some embarrassing things to get close to her, like showering her with compliments, attention, offering to pay for her lunch because she is down on money right now, etc. Because she is so down on money, she may not be able to participate in the program we are in in the fall, and I am willing to contribute something to her as a loan in order to help her continue. This would allow me to see her more often perhaps, and keep us close. A gift to her is like a gift to me...

So now it's the day after we said "good night" and hugged and kissed on the cheeks (which I might add was not something I objected to ;)), and I'm back to my sluggish self until I hear from her, or find another asexual crush. But right now, I don't want another crush. I want to just text her throughout the day, talk to her, hang out with her, think about her, and see her. So my question is - how do you deal with those feelings of fear of abandonment? How do you refrain from showering the person with gifts and compliments in hopes that it will make them like you more when in some instances, it scares them away. How do you deal with a crush that you feel so intense for, who probably thinks of you as just another peer who will be forgotten.

I've tried to express myself without sounding desperate, and can only hope for the best. Any advice on the "grieving" stage until that flicker of a text comes through asking me to hang out with her?

Thanks in advance, and wishing you all a great day. :)
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Re: Fear of abandonment

Postby Bossroach » Fri Aug 09, 2019 7:40 pm

*mod edit- unhelpful comment removed*
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Re: Fear of abandonment

Postby jaus tail » Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:11 am

If you miss her you can ask her if you two can hang out together some time. till then you can always re-read the texts. giving yourself the attention you wish to give her can be helpful. i often talk to myself like i'd talk to a child. i'd say 'it'll get better. i'm there for you.'
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