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Therapist Using "Tough Love" with me

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Therapist Using "Tough Love" with me

Postby smiley11191 » Mon Jul 29, 2019 11:24 pm

So basically to give a bit of background, in May, my great grandma died and ever since that event I started to go downhill emotionally. I was never actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder before this point, but a lot of the signs were there. I started seeing a new psychiatrist and she gave me the formal diagnosis. I suspect my therapist already knew that is what I had, but said she didn't want to put a label on me.
I have been seeing this therapist for almost 9 years. Originally I started seeing her when I disclosed to my family that I was being sexually abused by my father for half of my childhood. She has been a great help to me over the years and naturally I have grown very attached to her. With her help, I was able to get a B.A. in Psychology and get married and move out of my parents' home. I have never been able to hold a steady job and after graduating kind of lost my purpose in life. But I have mostly been content to be a stay at home wife and have had various hobbies. It was only after my grandma's death that I kind of reverted back to the state I was originally in after disclosing the abuse and beginning to see her.
Unfortunately, along with starting ineffective behaviors again, such as cutting, burning, doing drugs, spending money I shouldn't, etc., I have also been very resistant to therapy and even openly defiant to my therapist in sessions. She tried making several contracts with me with attempts to control my downward spiral, but eventually I wouldn't follow the contracts and would continue acting out in sessions. This all culminated in me, after a particularly difficult session, sending her and my husband texts that I was running away and never coming back and I drove off recklessly and was eventually coaxed back home late that evening. My therapist then determined that she wasn't helping me progress anymore and she wanted me to get additional therapy or go to intensive outpatient treatment. Ever since then she has refused to answer my texts and has canceled all of my future sessions until I get the other help. I am reeling from this abandonment and have been distraught ever since. She has communicated with my husband and apparently told him this is her form of tough love to force me to get more help and change my behavior.
My question is: Is this really the right approach? I feel 100x worse than I did when seeing her and have honestly been on the verge of suicide because of the abandonment. It hurts so much and feels so cruel. Please give me feedback and sorry for such a long post!!
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Re: Therapist Using "Tough Love" with me

Postby RamadanSteve » Thu Aug 01, 2019 12:16 am

If you really fear her abandoning you why don’t you just do what she wants and get the other help she wants you to get??? Also in the future, it’s best not to get too attached to therapists , they aren’t you’re friend, they can help you but at the end of the day they are just doing their job.
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Re: Therapist Using "Tough Love" with me

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Thu Aug 01, 2019 12:46 am

I'm not cosigning this.

You don't sound serious about being open to getting help at this time; you sound like you want to keep acting out while she sits there and takes your bad behavior.

Sounds like you want to hold your therapist emotionally hostage.
And you probably feel 100x worst because you're not being enabled.
I hope you aren't working with your own clients at this time.

You've been given options, you're responsible for yourself.

There are ERs, crisis lines, DBT resources and links everywhere online and YouTube if you have to wait for the intensive treatment suggested.

You can choose to self soothe and do whatever distress tolerance necessary as you utilize the resources that have been suggested to you or *you* can *choose* to *self-destruct

I think it's very nice of her to be willing to keep seeing you, if you do start taking steps towards recovery.
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Re: Therapist Using "Tough Love" with me

Postby smiley11191 » Thu Aug 01, 2019 8:25 pm

RamadanSteve Thank you for replying. Yes I have decided to get the other help she suggested, namely EMDR therapy. I just feel that I am suffering a lot while waiting for the other therapist to set up an appointment with me. I guess I am having trouble not fixating on feeling abandoned. But you are correct in saying I got too attached to my therapist. It is just very hard to avoid doing that. :/

DaturaInnoxia While your reply wasn't really what I wanted to hear, it is probably what I needed to hear. It is true that for some reason I enjoy acting out and getting negative attention from it. I am committed now to do my best to work on changing that attitude.
I don't have clients because I only have a bachelor's degree.
Thank you for your reply and your frank honesty.
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Re: Therapist Using "Tough Love" with me

Postby raininmybrain » Sun Nov 10, 2019 12:50 am

It's been awhile since your post, how did this turn out? Did you return to your original therapist? I felt like the replies to you sound a little harsh in how they were worded, though I agree it's important to hold yourself accountable, and can see why the therapist might have felt that this was the only option she had. I personally have never had a therapist I was seeing terminate therapy suddenly, and I would be devastated as well, or at least probably turned off to the idea of talk therapy altogether. Hopefully you weren't. I think also with having your grandma die and then a therapist cutting therapy, I could see how it would be overwhelming and so much abandonment at once, I hope you were able to find the strength to get through it and it ended up being for the best that you got even more help from other resources. Sometimes it's like that, when things get worse for a while, they can get better for the long-term. Opening up old wounds to truly heal them.
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