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Due for an assessment, but...

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Due for an assessment, but...

Postby aforecastedstorm » Mon Jul 29, 2019 4:38 pm

I’m not expecting a diagnosis when I post this, I just need some hopefully non judgemental advice. This may be a little long winded and I will talk about some pretty bad things so apologies.

I’m currently 23 years old and I’ve been in the mental health system since I was 13. I’ve been fighting for at least some sort of full diagnosis for the past three years as I’ve been told by many people that I’m ‘not right’ etc. I got a half-assed diagnosis of BPD three years ago where they basically informed me that they couldn’t give me DBT treatment as it wasn’t available in my region at the time, then they sent me on my way. I was very annoyed by this and haven’t had any answers since.

I’m due for another assessment in a few weeks after three failed GP appointments and hopefully I’ll get some sort of answers soon.

My symptoms have changed since my last ‘diagnosis’. I don’t know for sure if I even qualify for a BPD diagnosis anymore. I was diagnosed with conduct disorder when I was a teenager and just been on a downward spiral ever since, however my behaviour in hindsight has been seen as odd by my family even going back to childhood.

I am very impulsive, still promiscuous at times, and at the time of my diagnosis I was drinking a lot, which I have since cut back on. But I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing, ever. No happiness, sadness, excitement, nothing. I know Borderlines are known for feeling everything to the highest extent but I just don’t. The only time I feel any sort of rush is when someone I hate, is hurting, or when I cause pain to people. Any sort of praise or criticism just washes over me, it’s all pretty meaningless.

I am aware of what’s right and wrong, but I don’t care about it. I’m able to cycle through relationships, jobs, friends, without feeling anything deep for any of them and I’ll cut them off at a seconds notice. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love, or felt any sort of deep connection with anyone. I feel no empathy, I’m quick to resorting to violence and aggression and over the past year I have felt more homicidal than suicidal, something that I think lurked beneath the surface for a while.

I was severely bullied and abused as a child and as a result, didn’t and still don’t care for deep friendships. I have a lot of friends, acquaintances etc, my social circle is large, I know and am ‘on the surface’ friendly with a lot of people, and I can talk to anyone but I view everyone around me as temporary. I’ve been called manipulative in every relationship I’ve been in, one time I got cheated on and spent a solid three months ruining the person’s life until they emotionally crumbled and I felt no guilt or remorse for it.

My relationships with my family have been turbulent since I started ‘acting out’ but better as I’ve gotten older. I have no desire for close bonds but I feel empathy for close family members and a couple of friends who have stuck by me since childhood. Everyone else? They’re just, unimportant.
I have been known to lie, been prone to violent episodes, getting in trouble with the police a couple of times, physical fights and unprovoked attacks, such as stabbing a girl in high school with a pair of tweezers just because she pissed me off.

Sometimes I can trick myself into having feelings or caring about someone but the second they do anything wrong, they’re gone, and I can switch into who I really am within seconds. I find it fun to mess with people and wind them up until they snap. I’m very high functioning nowadays, finding it easy to turn on the charm for my current job because I know I ‘have to’ but, like I said, everyone is replaceable to me.

I don’t have any long term plans, being known to float in and out of phases and instability of self, worse so when I had that initial diagnosis but my impulsivity is still there, but my anger is worse. I could hurt someone and not care, and hurt myself and not feel anything either. It’s just constant disregard for anything. I just don’t feel any emotions and feel very much like an empty zombie most of the time, and my adrenaline rushes are the only time I will feel something.

I don’t know if this is all trauma based, or a delayed reaction to repressed trauma. I used to blame myself or ask myself why these things were happening or why I couldn’t ‘fit in’ etc but now I couldn’t care less if someone likes me or not because I know if they tried to hurt me, I could hurt them 10x worse.

When I tried to open up to my family about the violent thoughts I’d had, they told me I needed help and seemed scared of me initially but also unsurprised that I’d told them that, given my past history.
So bottom line, I have no idea what’s going on and whether I can even be helped or if I’m too far gone. I don’t know if I am even a borderline or could fit the criteria anymore. I can’t see myself having a normal life, a family, kids, healthy relationship etc because I have no interest in it and don’t see the point.

I hope the therapist I do see eventually will give me some answers, but I just had to vent here too in case anyone feels similar to me.
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Re: Due for an assessment, but...

Postby Snaga » Tue Jul 30, 2019 5:43 am

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Can't diagnose, but your story puts me in mind of AsPD... I did approve your post here, based on your prior BPD Dx, but you might think about reading in the AsPD forum and seeing if some of the discussions there seem to resonate with you. A lot in your post puts me in mind of what little I know of the disorder. Not saying you are- but it's a forum you might take a look at. Be advised it's the most, um, relaxed of the forums here, so there's more leeway in user behaviour there, due to the nature of the disorder, than in the other forums. That forum's not for everyone. But I would check out some of the discussions there, I think, were I in your shoes.
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Re: Due for an assessment, but...

Postby aforecastedstorm » Tue Jul 30, 2019 5:20 pm

Snaga wrote:Hello and welcome to the forums!

Can't diagnose, but your story puts me in mind of AsPD... I did approve your post here, based on your prior BPD Dx, but you might think about reading in the AsPD forum and seeing if some of the discussions there seem to resonate with you. A lot in your post puts me in mind of what little I know of the disorder. Not saying you are- but it's a forum you might take a look at. Be advised it's the most, um, relaxed of the forums here, so there's more leeway in user behaviour there, due to the nature of the disorder, than in the other forums. That forum's not for everyone. But I would check out some of the discussions there, I think, were I in your shoes.


Thanks for responding,

I haven’t had ASPD mentioned to me at all, but reading through the symptoms it does make a lot of sense, I was just unaware of my behaviours until mentioned to me but I don’t care about them either. I ruled out NPD as I don’t think I’m exceptional or ‘special’ in any way, I’ve been very self destructive over the years but nowadays it’s just all about how I can hurt someone else. I’ll have a look at the ASPD forum in the meantime!
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Re: Due for an assessment, but...

Postby Snaga » Wed Jul 31, 2019 3:27 pm

aforecastedstorm wrote:I haven’t had ASPD mentioned to me at all


You're kidding! And no, I'm not being hyperbolic. Dang that's the first thing that comes to my mind, to be honest. I know self tests have to be taken with a grain of salt, but the questions on them for AsPD and/or psychopathy pretty much cover a lot of the same kinds of ground you described- or so is my impression, anyway. I score... higher than average on those kinds of tests, but still far too low to be considered anywhere near that PD- assuming I'm being honest with myself, anyway... But I don't have the external factors, such as run-ins with the law, etc. BPD... well that's another matter...

I think you'll find some interesting characters in there to bounce your thoughts off of. A lot of dross in that forum, but some nuggets of gold, as well.
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Re: Due for an assessment, but...

Postby Squaredonutwheels » Wed Jul 31, 2019 7:20 pm

Dear OP,

Your struggles sound very real and I am sorry that you suffer. Not sorry as in I feel bad for you, just sorry that this what is and I can understand.

Finding help is an uphill battle from here on. You will have to do nearly all the work.

While the labels like BPD and AsPD are helpful in as much as allowing you to find resources, I would recommend you avoid attaching your sense of identity to any of these labels as it can lead to unconsciously (or even consciously) becoming what you read. ie becoming worse, not in a moral sense, but suffering more.

I would also try to avoid identifying as an unfeeling person.

Many a times, severe trauma can disconnect our sense of self from our own emotions but they are still there and reconnecting is possible and really worth it. With actual understanding and kindness to ones self and maybe even from others.

As for assessments, getting a diagnosis, I would recommend against. Do not fight for one. Seeking one out could be mistakenly could be more about trying to find out who you are as a person. At 23 we are all often lost and confused. A little diagnosis may seem like a handy little reference point. "Ah that is me" kind of thing but in the long run it will work against you and slow you down. Trying to find out what you enjoy and discovering your own emotional depth however disconnected and painful it currently may seem is what will actually help you as a person in the long run.

I am not against seeking out help and even therapy but getting something stuck on your records will not help you. The diagnosis is not designed for this role. The diagnosis is a tool used by response teams to try figure out how to effectively deal with you economically not to aid you as a person. If you are ever to get into hospital for something as simple as an accidental cut and you have BPD or AsPD on your records it will affect the treatment you receive. Don't get started on court processes with a diagnosis, it is a blackhole from there.
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