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How I developed BPD

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How I developed BPD

Postby Bossroach » Sun Jul 28, 2019 10:15 pm

I remember being hurt very easily and feeling very deeply as a child. Any sad movie or the thought of someone being hurt could send me crying. I used to have constant dreams of my mom leaving me or dying.

My mom is a malignant narcissist. She used to "lose" me in the mall and when I looked for her crying she would "find" me and berate me. She would always threaten me with abandonment or her dying if I didn't listen to her.

In primary school, while all the other kids were fighting and trying to be the strongest I would be hanging with girls instead and playing tag because I got along with them better. I didn't enjoy fighting and I could get along better with girls in general.

High school, I had a few short going outs with girls but it always ended up with me mistreating them and pushing them away fearing that they will abandon me.

I have always felt depressed when single or not receiving attention from girls because I feel I have no intristic value of my own. I have always felt "weaker" than the other guys because I was sensitive and had much less confidence and aggression.

The highlight that brought me the BPD diagnosis is a recent relationship. She was NPD and was attracted to me because I was depressed and she could play the saviour role. During our first week she woke up to me drinking and crying quietly because I thought she didn't love me anymore and was going to leave me soon.

I would interpret everything she said as a sign that she didn't love me and looked down on me. I would have nightmares of her replacing me with other guys because they were more "macho" and stronger than me. I attempted to get her to cheat on me to prove that she's a "whore" and that she wants others more than me.

She comforted me and gave me the affection I craved but with more time I got more insecure and possessive and I got controlling and violent with her. When she left me I attempted suicide and I was mandated to see a psych where I got my BPD diagnosis.

Right now I'm looking into inner child healing exercises and therapy but I'm not sure what works the best. What works for you guys? Also Hi to everyone!
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Re: How I developed BPD

Postby jaus tail » Wed Aug 14, 2019 4:19 pm

talking to my inner child helps. like i tell myself 'its ok. i'm right here. i'm here for you.'

i used to feel bad at being not macho. i cry easily. very sensitive n am not aggressive. now i try to be ok with it. not everyone has to be muscular. some people are artists. a surgeon doesnt need muscular arms, rather dexterous fingers
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Re: How I developed BPD

Postby alice524 » Mon Sep 09, 2019 7:10 am

BPD is often formed from codependent relationships, which is why i think NPDs can create BPDs, if a person can only thrive in a relationship where they can consistently force the it through controlling your sense of self then they're mentally set for life.

The actions of the child will often reflect these narcissistic traits because everything is programming, conscious and unconscious. Luckily you recognize that you are responsible for your behavior as an adult and no longer need to act out the person they needed you to be while you were still vulnerable. By knowing that certain patterns will cause you to act in a certain way, you are able to acknowledge the feeling and its source, consciously allowing you to choose differently. This is a good first step at reparenting the self.
clockwork. falling sky. god disproving the existence of god.
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Re: How I developed BPD

Postby lilfreak » Tue Sep 17, 2019 3:50 am

I have BPD, and I've read a little bit from the therapist, but a long time ago.
The way I picture my inner child is kinda like I feel bad for it, I can identify with it and hold onto its hurts/injustices. In my head it's a young, victimized/broken me (martyring to my narcissists, hopelessness, desolate abandonment, fears, etc.) I'm probably too attached to my inner child, and it's important to grasp that it's not actually who I am and choose to be. I learned how to live and survive, even though my amygdala still goes into overtime; but the proof is I am free now to make choices that my inner child/me as a child couldn't make.

As far as I know the goal is to listen to what it needs, and then you provide that for it (yourself). And I picture it as caring for a baby, bc like a parent you should have new awareness overall, a new routine, and it comes from love. I am pretty resistant to self-validation and patience, unfortunately. :roll:
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