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Dealing with infatuation

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Dealing with infatuation

Postby johnnylogen » Thu Jul 18, 2019 11:26 am

Hello, I guess for this I would have to explain the background of the situation. I'm a NEET, meaning no job and not studying anything. So basically I am at home all the time and play videogames, usually with other people. I'm dealing with depression and social anxiety too which doesn't help my case much. This is a very condensed version of it but I may expand if people want to know more.

So I met this girl online and we got to talk somewhat randomly. I would talk about how I'm not performing well enough in the game we both play and how I define my self-worth through it. (another problem I have entirely) And she would gave me encouraging words. This all happened in our guildchat. For people that aren't familiar with these types of games: A guild is sort of a group of people that band together to do stuff in the game. And naturally we have our own type of group chat.
Anyways so this all happened in this more-or-less public chat and after that she went to sleep, I went on to private messages to thank her for listening to me.

I would say this is when it all started, but I'm not sure if it was too late already. The day after I decided I would drink my sorrows away (a bad decision that I do now and then). I got extremely drunk and spilled every and all my insecurities to her, how much I hate myself and wish I would be someone else. I went to sleep sometime after and pretty much did the same the day after. You can guess during these events my infatuation uhh "festered" for a lack of a better word. Because she wouldn't tell me to go away or something but rather be very nice to me and try to give me advice and all.
During all of this I would see her talk to some other guy in our guild and hang out with him constantly, my brain instantly told me they had something going which got me sad. It's probably #######4 but I can't really get myself to think something else. And I don't want to go around and to accuse them of something so ridiculous.

Anyways after 2 days being drunk I figured, hey maybe I could ask her to reject me. Maybe that would fix my infatuation. She did reject me then, in a way. Said "it's not you, I just don't want to have this kind of thing now".
And you can guess what I thought about it. "If you don't want these kind of things then why do you keep hanging out with that guy? You must clearly like him." I am quoting this as it keeps appearing in my brain, I didn't tell her this.

The rejection itself didn't hurt as much as I thought, but I had taken sleeping pills in advance. That was about 2 days ago and now here I am. Asking for advice.

What should I do about this? Should I leave the guild? Because everytime I log in I would see them together somewhere and it hurts.
Should I just feel this hurt and let it pass? Because I know it will pass. This isn't the first time this happened. Only my ways of dealing with it are a little different now. Probably not a lot better, really.

I can not stress how ridiculous this all feels to me. This whole infatuation thing... it just feel so incredibly selfish to me. I'm putting this person on a pedestal for the sake of feeling some sort of affection.
I said it before how this isn't the first time but usually it's not as heavy.
The usual way it goes is this: I meet a girl online, she is somewhat nice to me and I would get frustrated/sad that she doesn't INSTANTLY shower me with affection. So I get depressed and go to bed. Usually all is well after that. I hate myself for wanting or even needing this. I don't want to be so selfish.

Anyways, if you got to this point, thank you for reading. If you have any advice, that'd be rad.
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby ddreamer » Fri Jul 19, 2019 1:21 am

look up the term "limerence"
there is a nice wiki writeup on this.
no contact is the best treatment.
if you don't take of this now, the obsession can last long time. i understand cluster B and OCD folks are more vulnerable.
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby johnnylogen » Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:02 pm

ddreamer wrote:look up the term "limerence"
there is a nice wiki writeup on this.
no contact is the best treatment.
if you don't take of this now, the obsession can last long time. i understand cluster B and OCD folks are more vulnerable.

in the duration part it says years, but i've had these situations before. many many times before. and they usually never hold on for more than a week. right now i still feel a slight... hurt? but its a lot better than before. are you sure limerence fits here?
i do guess no contact is the best treatment, not sure. last time i did that i felt horrible and still contacted them.
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby star dust » Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:29 am

Stop playing world of Warcraft all day it’s bad for your brain ;) hahaha
(Assuming it is wow you’re playing)

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Seriously though. You should try to peel yourself away from those types of games they’re very damaging.

I think limiting your time on there would be a good first step.
I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice!
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby star dust » Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:48 am

ddreamer wrote:look up the term "limerence"
there is a nice wiki writeup on this.
no contact is the best treatment.
if you don't take of this now, the obsession can last long time. i understand cluster B and OCD folks are more vulnerable.


Just read up on this!
Never heard of it before. This is definitely what I had with my original therapist I saw years ago. Lol!
I wanted to live with her and fantasised about spending our lives together! Lmao! I used to think about her every single day.... 24/7.
Now I think.... whattttttttttttt was I thinking LOL!

I can’t believe I felt that way. I used to full on fantasise about us in all kinds of scenarios.
God it makes me cringe!

So, johnnylogen, to add to what I just said. Go no contact. Hopefully you’ll forget about them and wonder what you were thinking in future!
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby johnnylogen » Sat Jul 20, 2019 1:58 pm

star dust wrote:Stop playing world of Warcraft all day it’s bad for your brain ;) hahaha
(Assuming it is wow you’re playing)

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Seriously though. You should try to peel yourself away from those types of games they’re very damaging.

I think limiting your time on there would be a good first step.
I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice!

point taken and youre not exactly wrong, i just dont have anything else going in my life.
star dust wrote:
ddreamer wrote:look up the term "limerence"
there is a nice wiki writeup on this.
no contact is the best treatment.
if you don't take of this now, the obsession can last long time. i understand cluster B and OCD folks are more vulnerable.


Just read up on this!
Never heard of it before. This is definitely what I had with my original therapist I saw years ago. Lol!
I wanted to live with her and fantasised about spending our lives together! Lmao! I used to think about her every single day.... 24/7.
Now I think.... whattttttttttttt was I thinking LOL!

I can’t believe I felt that way. I used to full on fantasise about us in all kinds of scenarios.
God it makes me cringe!

So, johnnylogen, to add to what I just said. Go no contact. Hopefully you’ll forget about them and wonder what you were thinking in future!

you know, i tried the no contact mode before, as i think i have said in my OP, but i didnt manage to beat the overbearing desire to contact them. it felt bad to me that i would just go no contact mode, and i dont want them to feel bad either. that was a while ago and it would have been easier to block them because it was just the 2 of us who met somewhere.
this time its not that easy, shes in my guild obviously and i would still see her around unless i did some drastic $#%^ which is ultimately not going to make me happy i think. i might be away from that person but also from a lot of my friends i made in that guild/that server.
i'll just... try to deal with it. like i said, it doesnt feel AS bad anymore, still kinda bad but it feels like its getting better?

i appreciate your responses a lot though. these are obviously rooting from way deeper issues and if the best temporary solution is no contact then i guess im ###$
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby star dust » Tue Jul 23, 2019 8:44 pm

Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like you should just ‘get over it’.
I know these things are not easy to just ‘get over’.
Even being in your situation is not easy. It’s also something that can drive you a bit insane though. Isolation and wow. Not a good combination.
Perhaps there’s something else you can try starting to incorporate into your daily routine that’s a more healthy habit to distract you.
Distraction is pretty much all I have right now too from my own waking nightmares.
I am exercising a lot. It helps. Trouble is I’m currently pushing myself so hard I can not even move right now as I’ve pushed my body as hard as it can possibly go... so I am going to have to rest.
So I’m going to have to find another distraction until I am recovered.
Perhaps you could find something too that’s a little more healthy? Something that you can give all your attention to.
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby johnnylogen » Wed Jul 24, 2019 2:51 am

star dust wrote:Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like you should just ‘get over it’.
I know these things are not easy to just ‘get over’.
Even being in your situation is not easy. It’s also something that can drive you a bit insane though. Isolation and wow. Not a good combination.
Perhaps there’s something else you can try starting to incorporate into your daily routine that’s a more healthy habit to distract you.
Distraction is pretty much all I have right now too from my own waking nightmares.
I am exercising a lot. It helps. Trouble is I’m currently pushing myself so hard I can not even move right now as I’ve pushed my body as hard as it can possibly go... so I am going to have to rest.
So I’m going to have to find another distraction until I am recovered.
Perhaps you could find something too that’s a little more healthy? Something that you can give all your attention to.

Don't worry about it. Its not wow actually, its final fantasy 14 but its pretty much the same thing i guess. its a good idea i would say but i dont really have any other interests beside playing games. exercising seems like a good idea which i tried a couple times now and then but i never managed to keep it going. it doesnt seem like something you just pick up whenever you need a distraction, could be wrong though
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby RamadanSteve » Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:46 pm

Dude you need to stop playing video games all day. You’re not going to feel any real self worth until you actually do something with your life. For me I make/write music, film videos, do artwork, write etc. and I have a job with income. I’m not doing perfect and I’m still pretty damn lonely but I’m definitely not going to be obsessing over some girl online who I’ll never meet. I don’t mean to sound like a dick but gaming all day is seriously ruining your life dude, no one finds that attractive or cool. I mean if you’re really into video games maybe get into game design or gaming journalism or something like that.
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Re: Dealing with infatuation

Postby johnnylogen » Wed Jul 24, 2019 4:23 pm

RamadanSteve wrote:You’re not going to feel any real self worth until you actually do something with your life.

this is my main problem really. im not really gonna go too much into why because that would defeat the purpose of this thread. im gonna try to start therapy again but i guess ive gotten some pointers on how to deal with it until then
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