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Newly found out I have BPD add to list ?

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Newly found out I have BPD add to list ?

Postby megordon3 » Thu Jul 18, 2019 9:03 am

Hello, all

SO I have been treated for OCD since teens and still managed to go military, and come out been at a professional job for 20 years. I am treated with Serotonin inhibitors since I was 13 got off them short time in basic training. I alwasy been on the go would be up sleeping no time and about year ago now doctor tried me on ADHD medicine and I way more focused and relaxed.
I have always struggled with thoughts of if I dont do this, this will happen. This manifested in different froms like had touch something 3 times and would shift. I would pray however I would pray and think of saying the exact opposite hence thinking I praying for that. I would then worry to a point of physical exhaustion that my WRONG prayer would be answered. This would cause me to have to say in prayer I do this if you dont listen to that last prayer. THis would cause great anxiety and physical illness that would just consume me.
I would be able to latch on to something compliment or something that would make me feel like god didnt listen to it and I would be better. I hope I explained that well basically if i said in gods name i want vanille I would think or say in god name a hate and want to hate vanille. example only.
I would be short tempered and could not live in the momment and at times even at my age of 40s it still happens. My wife thinks I have BPD and I have to agree I have lots of the sympotoms.
I had a wierd childhood mother and father didnt tell me of there past or my way older sisters until i was like 13. Mother was what I see now bi bolar and struggled with depression. She was abused in a previous marriage and that was sprung on me. My siblings being way older then me left me alone as a kid. My parents where very career oriented and I spent alot of time at there place of work. Holidays where hell and I couldnt go to other kids houses.
I got into an individual sport and excelled and then made it out into the military best thing ever did. I never really got to where I thought I should be in military and then had a child ad got out. I then started my career and have been doing that forever and have excelled.
I struggle with intrusive thoughts ie prayers I dont mean, the fear of losing what I am at the time most proud of like weight loss, I might be really happy about it want to thank god and instead say let me get fat, which I dont mean in fact I mean direct opposite and hence the struggle continues and I become short tempered and physically sick ie cold sweats etc until I dont get fat and dont eat more and relize god has spared me of my own stupidity again
Can anyone tell me what I have or what direction to focus on
thanks
megordon3
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