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BPD or desire for black and white simplicity?

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BPD or desire for black and white simplicity?

Postby simplifierofall » Sat Mar 30, 2019 5:56 pm

If someone does something bad to me, I see him or her as a bad person. I started seeing everyone as bad because nobody is a saint.

I wanted to be either a saint or a sociopath. It didn't matter which, as long as I was polarized. I wanted to either own a company and selflessly benefit the world, or be completely selfish.

I wanted to either be submissive or dominant in sexual fantasies. And there would be no flexibility. Complete slavery, or complete mastery. Since I am not entirely submissive or dominant, I would create false identities for myself, or just imagine other people and pretend they are in completely polarized roles.

My identity is unstable. I always believe I'm unusual in some way, and at times they conflict with each other. I would believe I'm organized and responsible, at other times sloppy. I would believe I'm fearless, at other times a coward. I would believe I'm completely liberal, at other times completely conservative.

I tend to simplify my diet to an extreme extent, because of my underlying belief that my diet will no longer be effective if I eat just a few junk foods. It's not my actual belief, it's unconscious.

In school, I would either do all the schoolwork perfectly, or slack off. Of course, since my grades were bad, I was encouraged to slack off, since I could not make my grades As with ease. I had as much a problem with Bs and Cs as Ds and Es.

I would create goals for myself and I would try to dedicate myself to them completely. If I did something else in the meantime, it seemed to be for nothing and I unconsciously felt that I would fail.

I have dumped friends for simply not being loyal to me completely. The prospect of having a normal friendship, or a normal relationship, seems too complex. The prospect of being somewhere in between rich and poor, seems too complex. If I achieved an important position, if I would be below someone, then I think of it as being lowly.

I don't value art because it's not perfect. Art is never black or white, it's always complex. I listen to either music that stimulates my emotions strongly, or not listen at all. My sexual fantasies also have little complexity, they are simplified to maximize impact.

I realized I don't want to get to know people because people are complex, and that's an uncomfortable truth for me. I also either care or I don't. If I care, I respond with great anger if I'm rejected, and if I don't care, I don't bother approaching.

I'm afraid to listen to consume unfamiliar media because it would make me feel insecure. Doesn't matter if I'm alone in my house. Unfamiliar anything, whether it's unfamiliar people, unfamiliar situations, etc, makes me feel uncomfortable.

I don't want to walk around barefoot even a little bit, because then I feel my feet are dirty. I want a completely clean bed with no dirt from the floor at all. If I touch one dirty thing in public like a door handle, my hands are dirty until I wash them. I could touch feces, and they would feel just as dirty. So I don't mind dirty, I just don't want to include a flexible group between dirty and non-dirty.

I try to limit what people know about me as much as possible, so there's no factors outside my control. I'm afraid to talk freely around other people or have anyone else see what I'm doing. I don't tell people my true feelings or opinions, instead I bottle them up or express false ones.

My lifestyle is always changing, and always polarized, never do I practice moderation. I delete media on my computer on a whim, because I try to dedicate myself to another goal, then later redownload.

I'm usually a clean freak, but if I happen to be slacking off, there can be trash everywhere. I can go without showering for weeks, but if I'm going to be around people, I can't go one day without or I feel like everyone knows I didn't shower. I'm fine with doing gross stuff in bed, but I am xenophobic to people who I wasn't sexual with.

When I'm around strangers, I think about my supposed identity. I try to simplify myself as a certain type of person. Anything, to not bring uncertain variables into the mix. I want to simplify myself and others. I would prefer predictable negative reactions over unpredictable reactions. Being disliked universally would put my mind at ease in a way.

I want people to die for relatively small reasons. Stuff like ads, buggy software, and design flaws make me believe the people responsible are worthless or selfish and ought to die. One rude comment, or just rejection, and I would be happy to see someone run over right in front of me. I want everyone who makes me feel bad or annoyed in any way, to die.

I don't think I'm a sociopath. If I couldn't see anything bad about someone, I would be sad if they died. I'm just thin skinned. If things don't go my way, I get mad. I'm scared of asking people favors because I know that if they reject me, that I'll hate them.

I'm scared of even interacting with people because they might ignore me or reject me, and I don't want to feel more hate. People being okay in my eyes feels better. If people don't respond to my emails, I hate them, so I refrain from sending people emails.

I don't want to accept that people are a pain to deal with, that they often do bad work, that they try to make money even if it's at the expense of others, that they don't treat everyone equally or respond to everyone. I would prefer if people were reasonable, fair, upfront, and simple to deal with. But people aren't, and I avoid dealing with people because it's a pain.

Is this borderline personality disorder, or is it hard for me to process complexity and the unfamiliar, so I end up wanting to simplify everything?
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