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Fear of intimacy?

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Fear of intimacy?

Postby HoneyJules » Fri Mar 01, 2019 12:55 pm

I have been basically single for two years. My last relationship wasn't healthy at all, I remember I acted like the textbook borderline towards its end, becoming obsessive, threatening suicide if he left me and actually attempting when he made it clear he wasn't in love with me, just wanted me for the sex. Then, it took me a lot of time to overcome the break up.
After that, many guys started manifesting their interest in me. I'm an attractive and flirty woman. I started texting and dating some of them (one at a time) but suddenly, every single time, things become too much, I get panic attacks and my dissociation increases exponentially. I ghost the guy impulsively, block his number and on every social media, and they never hear from me again. I basically run away, giving no explanation, after all I wouldn't know what to say. I panic.
The last time it happened was two months ago. The guy was everything I used to say I wanted: a musician, sensitive, caring, many interests, owned a car and had a job, and had a bachelor degree. He was studying for his Master's at my university. I remember he once played a song of my favorite band, saying he was thinking about me, and I immediately felt violated. Like he entered my comfort zone or something. I know it's irrational, but I thought that band was mine and I didn't want him to "taint" it. I remember I never touched him and I was on guard every time we met. Weird, for someone who used to have a habit of being promiscuous in the past. I remember I lied to him all the time, telling me they would soon put me inpatient for my mental health (my psychiatrist didn't think it was necessary), I don't know why, maybe to push him away. When he made it clear that he was very interested in me and didn't care I had a personality disorder, I told him I wanted to end it. He tried to contact me some time but I never answered.
This pattern repeated at least 5 times in the last two years.
Tomorrow I have a date with this guy, who's a friend of my best friend, and I'm tired of things repeating.
I don't know what I'm scared of. My therapists say it's abandonment. I think it's intimacy because I never give them the chance to get close. Thoughts?
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Re: Fear of intimacy?

Postby Cassandre » Sun Mar 03, 2019 9:53 am

HoneyJules wrote: I remember he once played a song of my favorite band, saying he was thinking about me, and I immediately felt violated. Like he entered my comfort zone or something.

Parents with problems of their own can cross their children's boundaries as if a property.

When children grow up and meet someone who is naively attempting to get close, they might experience feelings of ickiness, associated with the experience of being close, it is the case of most Cluster B people.
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