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Does this sound like Quiet BPD?

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Does this sound like Quiet BPD?

Postby TonySG » Tue Feb 12, 2019 7:27 pm

Hi
I am here just looking for some pointers and advice on my issue.

I am a 38 year old male. My life hasn't gone the way I would have expected it to go by my age. For a number of years I have been trying to heal and understand what's been 'my problem'. I have had therapy for years and tried many different things like years of meditation (which has helped) among other things. But there is still something I can't seem to shake.

I have recently been learning about BPD and resonate more with the 'Quiet' side of the condition.

Since I was young I was very quiet and just didn't feel able to interact with others. So I would often isolate myself. I would find people overwhelming. It was even worse if I saw a girl I was attracted to, I would basically freeze. This still impacts me to this day. The more I think about it, the more I see how I may have different personalities and how I change myself to fit the environment. I am a loner, I dont have any friends or a romantic partner. People I work with think I am confident and out-going and I believed that's who I was but until recently I have been questioning this.

I developed a confident persona in my mid-20's to compensate for something. This served a purpose and helped me to interact with others better. But now looking back, I think it was just a mask and infact I have never known the real me. I also dress like a young man in his 20's and think like a young man of this age. People are often surprised when they find out my age because I don't act it. Does it seem like I don't really know who I am?

The worst condition I suffer with is intrusive negative thinking. My mind always goes towards things I don't want, sometimes my thoughts can be quiet horrific. They have such a pull to them. I am dumbfounded as to why I would think about terrible things happening to me? I have had this thought pattern since I was in my teens maybe earlier.

I am glad to say I have made so much progress, just to get to this point. I feel I am recovering gradually but also understand this is a difficult condition to fully recover from and living a rich full life will be more challenging for someone with this condition.

I also believe I have some elements of CPTSD, from a less than adequate childhood. I wondered if quiet bpd maybe something I should consider also? Thanks
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Re: Does this sound like Quiet BPD?

Postby stormsandsea » Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:30 pm

I'm sorry that life hasn't fulfilled your expectations and it's caused you quite a few problems. I'm younger than you, but I've felt very much the same these last few years. Having any kind of mental and/or physical health issue, especially chronic issues, can make even the smallest disappointments and losses hit even harder ... I keep that in mind to monitor if I am overreacting to things that other people with a more positive outlook might not react as strongly to.

Secondly, it's impossible to say if you have quiet BPD, but based off what you described about yourself I don't 'see' quiet BPD. I had an acquaintance who had quiet BPD, and it manifested for her as feeling dejected for no reason, wanting intimacy but pushing people away, blaming herself for everything, centering herself by claiming she was 'wrong' or did something 'bad' to make someone not text or pay attention to her, cutting, acting like a victim, et cetera. I interpret quiet BPD as all the rage, sadness, disappointment, and mood swings of BPD geared inward. Some days, you feel like your very existence is the cause for other people's misery and the world is better off without you. You're less likely to lash out at others and more likely to self-destruct.

If you feel like what I described above resonates with you, you can explore more about treatment options for BPD. I will be honest, I truly hope that your problems are more along the lines of depression and social anxiety than BPD, because any form of BPD is extremely difficult to deal with. Most of us struggle with suicidal ideation and for a smaller but still significant margin, suicide attempts and SI. I don't necessarily think that people who act or dress younger than they are is a sign of BPD, but more so anxiety about the unpredictability of the future, and how society perceives older people as less competent in the work force, less sexually desirable, etc. As a person who struggles with BPD, identity issues for me feel quite a bit more like ... you're unstable, you never know where you 'belong' in the world or what your values are; if you're around someone too forceful you can easily relapse into taking drugs or drinking because your 'values' fly out the window; you take on the traits and mannerisms of others without intending to; your sexual orientation may constantly shift depending on your moods/memories/'values,' et cetera. And what you described about wearing a confident mask to compensate for your uneasiness in social situations certainly fits the bill for depression and social anxiety.

Anyway, I do hope you find contentment and a little more happiness in life. Perhaps a life coach would also help more than simply going to therapy.
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