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troubled friendships

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troubled friendships

Postby OrbweaverLeads » Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:07 am

my friends are very important to me as I hate being lonely and I've worked really hard to build a circle of friends for the last 12 months. problem is all my friendships now feel troubled and I'm fighting the impulse to burn all my bridges. :evil:

one friend keeps trying to do psychotherapy on me and I want to tell her to stop it. another friend I feel has used me for the last few months as when I need her support she has nothing to give and no time for me, and has recently cancelled at the last minute twice. another friend keeps asking me to do favours for him and I want to tell him to stop taking advantage. my other friends I ask if they want to catch up and everyone is busy so I feel like closing down my facebook account so I don't have to see photos of them having a great time without me.

a year ago I had no friends and thought it was impossible to make friends. now I feel like every friendship I have is just trouble. so frustrating. I can't focus on anything else and want to lash out & burn bridges.

does anyone else struggle like this?
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Re: troubled friendships

Postby aimesly » Sun Feb 17, 2019 8:20 pm

I feel the same way. I spend most my time by myself, with my son or my boyfriend who I practically believe is my only friend. And sometimes I don’t even feel that. It’s hard to make and keep friends I find. I am always wondering...how to make friends. People say just get out there! But I feel everyone’s is always not my type of people or I’m not theirs. No connections are being made. And the select few friends I have, I honestly don’t know if I have them. They ignore most my messages or cancell plans all the time. Where does one find friends at the age of 29? Mom groups were never good for me. I’m not into a sports. Therefore, I feel your pain and how you speak about how you rather close your Facebook down. I have that same feeling too. The one friend I have right now says I complain to much to her, that I just use her to vent too. Which is hard to hear.
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Re: troubled friendships

Postby jaus tail » Sun Feb 24, 2019 5:02 am

aimesly wrote:And the select few friends I have, I honestly don’t know if I have them. They ignore most my messages or cancell plans all the time. Where does one find friends at the age of 29? Mom groups were never good for me. I’m not into a sports. Therefore, I feel your pain and how you speak about how you rather close your Facebook down. I have that same feeling too. The one friend I have right now says I complain to much to her, that I just use her to vent too. Which is hard to hear.


i feel the same way. i'm in university, studying at 29. i go to gym n have few faint acquaintances there there is one guy who smiles back whenever we cross paths outside the gym.

my one friend once told me 'you whine a lot' so now i've restricted conversation with him. maybe he's true. maybe not. i think friendships are shown differnetly in movies with all sappy n friends forever stuff. now in uni i have acquaintences in classmates but not sure if they are friends. to be honest, i dont even know what friendship means anymore.

OrbweaverLeads wrote:
one friend keeps trying to do psychotherapy on me and I want to tell her to stop it.

this is annoying. its not helpful when someone does this to you. maybe do the same to him/her. so they know how it feels.

another friend I feel has used me for the last few months as when I need her support she has nothing to give and no time for me, and has recently cancelled at the last minute twice. another friend keeps asking me to do favours for him and I want to tell him to stop taking advantage.

i read a quote that said: dont swim oceans for someone who wont jump a puddle for you. even i used to do too much favors on others. but for me i was seeking their appreciation. craving for their validation. afraid that if i say 'no' they'll stop being my friends. now i've pasted a page on my wall that has few concentric circles. in the innermost circle i've written 'me' n then there's family n world. first i'll live for myself n then for others. i wont donate a kidney in exchange for a faint friendship.

my other friends I ask if they want to catch up and everyone is busy so I feel like closing down my facebook account so I don't have to see photos of them having a great time without me.


it could be they are busy but eventually we find out time for people for whom we want to find out time.

a year ago I had no friends and thought it was impossible to make friends. now I feel like every friendship I have is just trouble. so frustrating. I can't focus on anything else and want to lash out & burn bridges.

does anyone else struggle like this?

i think every friendship is some trouble, but there are also advantages. i dont like hanging out with any of my friends/classmates at uni, but the other day we went on a road trip n it was fun. every friend has some pros n cons. every one is different. at times we make some adjustment. my comments are all over the place. i dont have any stand as i think there are no absolutes. at times we adjust, at times we dont.
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Re: troubled friendships

Postby stormsandsea » Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:41 pm

It's very triggering for me as well when a friend randomly cancels plans or doesn't seem excited about meeting with me. I question if they ever liked me to begin with. The double-edged sword with BPD is caring so much about someone you invite in your life, only for that person to not show me the same depth of caring.

I think it helps to remind ourselves that when this happens, perhaps it's just their personality, not them forgetting about us or devaluing us that results in them randomly canceling plans or being late, et cetera. But if it happens near constantly and they don't seem as invested in the friendship, it's best to remove yourself from the situation and respectfully tell them the friendship is over or you need space. No need to be around people who trigger your issues with abandonment and self-worth. It's tricky figuring out whether you're being too hard on someone or they're taking you for granted, I know, but it's important to try. If the person has generally been a good friend to you but they slip up once, resist the urge to immediately cut them off. If a friend is doing something intrusive and rude, you should be able to tell them it's upsetting you without them being super offended, as well. That's how you know they're a real friend.
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Re: troubled friendships

Postby OrbweaverLeads » Thu Mar 14, 2019 4:52 am

thanks for your replies guys, much appreciated.

Good advice stormsandseas.

I did pretty well, the hardest thing was not acting on impulse and not burning bridges, just waiting for time to pass without doing that was hard. But I did it!

The friend who had no time for me I haven't seen. I don't think she's even noticed my absence. A group of us went out and invited her, she declined and then while we were out she messaged one friend to come meet her for dinner. He declined because we were already out together as a group! So even though it's not very nice of me, I got a wee bit of satisfaction out of that.

The friend who asks me for too many favours I have managed really well with. He asked me to drive him all-over town to help with gardening & errands and transporting stuff and I said I have to check my calendar, which was polite for "no I'm too busy".

The friend who was doing psychotherapy on me I said I didn't want to talk about those topics as they were private and she just kept asking, "why? why? why?". So she didn't get it. But I still think the friendship may be worthwhile. I haven't seen her in a while which is good so will see what happens next time we catch up.

I've been having a lovely time seeing other friends and strengthening a friendship with someone who I seem to have a lot more in common with and she reciprocates & is really kind. So that's good.

I'm going to a couple of meetups on the weekend, in an attempt to widen my social circles so hopefully that will be nice. I'm stressed about family now so hopefully I won't be feeling too frustrated about the family situation to enjoy going out.

Thanks again for your replies :)
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