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I cant trust myself, doing well and then horrible relating.

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I cant trust myself, doing well and then horrible relating.

Postby Lifelonglessons » Thu Dec 20, 2018 3:10 am

I've known her for about a year. I haven't seen much of her for 4 or 5 months and I tried to flirt with her when I first met her . The first time I felt like she responded well because we were out at a bar with a mutual friend and she came over to stand behind me while I was at the bar alone trying to get more drinks after I'd touched her lightly while having a conversation with her. I was so confused and bound up in my own head when she was standing behind me waiting for me, that I really didnt say anything and practically ignored her that night after that. But moving on..

One night a few months ago I was at the bar and met them again. shee got bored being ignored in this other group of people so she came down and sat next to me. I was really doing well tonight with interacting because I asked about how things were going, their job, their future prospects etc, and while we were talking she was leaning closer and closer, almost about to climb into my lap practically but we talked and then the night was over. I don't think I texted her about that or maybe I did but I got a one word response. Anyway nothing much happened.

Two weeks ago I went out to a bar and met them again. This time I was able to be really talkative and not self conscious about how I came off, so she really enjoyed talking to me, and by about an hour later, all of us who were together were sitting at a couple of tables, and when the other two people that were with us left, he looked over at me, and said "come here" and patted the seat next to him.

Then I messed up again. I was pretty drunk by this time so I sat next to him and then proceeded to not really say anything. We left and walked to another bar, and he said he was cold so I was like "nah Im sure you can make it".

Last week I invited him to a music show that regularly happens. They were really talkative over text unlike past times we've texted but said they couldnt make it, so I asked them if they wanted to come saturday and they said sure. Then it was saturday and i got really nervous. I texted her to see where she was and she was dancing with a friend she'd brought alonh. I was waiting at another bar and got to see some really bad drunk dancing at the time, so I left there to find him. When I got there her friend was pretty friendly and smiling with that kind of almost flirty look, and she would try to talk to me when I got there sometimes, by leaning into me to say things, and when she went off to dance with his friend, the friend pulled me with them because I stayed behind at first.

Basically it ended with me leaving at first and then asking them if they were going to come to a different bar afterward, so she said they would and I said okay wait. They waited for me and I met them before we all went home, and she was with her friend. While we were walking back our car his friend said "im cold" so I jokingly put my arm around them and rubbed them like warming them up, and they were like "thanks". I guess I should mention that during all this time we were together, I was not that cheery, able-speaking person she'd met last week, I was back to be silent and self-conscious and nervous, so I barely spoke to her except to ask about her pet dogs she'd mentioned last week.

I woke up the next day and asked if they got home okay. She said yeah about 3 hours after I texted, and that's all. I tried to start a conversation by saying she was a pretty decent dancer even if Im not sure how to judge it, but she was a lot better than those people I saw at the other bar, and how she shouldve been there to see it because it was funny.

I don't understand if she wanted to be just friends, if she wanted more and maybe felt like I ruined it or insulted him.

Of course during all this time I went through the stages of hating the whole issue and hoping I'd destroyed it and then needing attention and wanting to reach out because I had to know what was going on, and I just kept it all to myself and basically emotionally abused myself for the weekend over this.
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Re: I cant trust myself, doing well and then horrible relating.

Postby Lifelonglessons » Thu Dec 20, 2018 1:33 pm

I meant I felt like I probably insulted her.

I dont know. I cant find the edit button.

For the last year I haven't really seen any other options. I try to stay to myself and there's always the fear that if I talk to someone, the entire room will judge me or see through me. last year I was having a relatively normal conversation with an older woman in a classroom for one of the college tests. I hadn't talked to anyone in that class for the entire semester. The moment I sounded like a normal person, I was immediately asked a question by this girl on my left. She always sat there, but she wanted to know if she was grading her test properly and it was really like just showing that I was able to talk to someone else made her comfortable enough to talk to me, but then the older woman asked me another question and I couldnt hear so I just repeated what I'd said earlier in a different way. I should've asked her to repeat herself. She kind of turned away and I looked over to the girl on the left and she looked uncomfortable too. Or maybe that's just how it felt. Like I'd just taken a giant bite of a raw fish right there and it was hanging out of my mouth.

Anyway I didnt dare try to have any more conversations with anyone that time.

This entire thing, seeing where I was with her, not really making a connection, sometimes making a connection, was like "its just happening all over again". I felt like maybe I'd insulted her and was angry at myself, then maybe she was ignoring me in favor of her friend because she'd changed her mind about me, and that made me angry at her because it felt like I had a safe connection from the way she was talkative in prior texts and willing to meet again at the bar, I actually drove a little way home that night and was saying ###$ this to myself, in a rage, and then when I asked if she wanted to go to a different bar after she was done she said she'd be there to get water, so I asked her to wait and she said sure, but then I got there and it was more not really talking tome, not paying attention.

I tried to repair the damage id done by texting her to compliment her at dancing since it'd keep the conversation going but I didnt hear back.

But there's a big twist around this. She has her own issues. She can be impulsive and she was an alcoholic. Also doesnt eat at all so shes terrible. And whats even worse? I often attract these kinds or I have in the past when I was 'cute' rather than just 'adult ugly'. The kind that are unstable themselves, and go hot and cold so its like there's another curve ball in this whole thing. At times I hate dealing with people. If it weren't that I felt like I needed others, I'd probably stay home with my dog and my cat all the time. Part of the hate in dealing with people is how random they seem, how I can sabotage relationships with friends and partners or potential partners by saying the wrong thing. I've never felt close to anyone, but I think it might be part of the shield against disappointment, rejection, or abandonment feelings.

If you dnt feel close, how can you get hurt? They're just passing through your life? But that's a lie. Being abandoned or rejected, loss of friendship or relationships still hurt. I can sleep all day for 4 days if something significant affects my mood, and this bar issue happened to be one of those things that pushed me to sleep to avoid having to deal with the emotions I felt through the whole issue. And its gotten worse as I get older, not better. This kind of thing would depress me as a teen but I'd mostly move on, maybe learn something.

-- Thu Dec 20, 2018 5:42 am --

She isnt terrible. She's in terrible shape because of her condition, and its just like someone else I used to date in my past. Sometimes I stop thinking, my mind goes blank and i sit, and then I forget what I was intending to write unless I read it again, but if I dare to read it again then it'll ruin what I was currently thinking of writing. About that someone else I used to date in my past, I tried my best to be supportive and not to let things bug me, but I could never voice my own issues between us because of the fear of pushing her away and losing her, especially because I knew she was suffering a lot. But that just caused me to hold it in until I let out my feelings of being betrayed because of blowing me off for another guy and canceling our saturday after having been with him friday night, and I had to find out from piecing together social media posts and her excuse of why she couldnt on saturday. And part of me thinks maybe if I'd actually been more manly, if I'd voiced my discomfort or when I was upset over an issue between us, maybe she wouldn't have done that. Or maybe it was going to happen regardless. So yes, I tend to attract those who I shouldnt be involved with, and maybe its actually a good thing.
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Re: I cant trust myself, doing well and then horrible relating.

Postby Lifelonglessons » Fri Dec 21, 2018 2:47 am

It turned out when I was looking at it, my childhood was filled with those like 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 in one of my parents, who often was pretty unpleasant when you ignored her demands and often would lead to damaging toys earlier in life up to horse whipping later on when I got old enough. Its almost like a transference of a disorder. I don't know how to deal with my feelings or emotions and I end up talking to myself and trying to distract myself, but they just come back. failure, embarrassment, worthlessness, All centered on how I believe I look to others. I think that's actually the one thing that I dont feel, an unstable self-image. Its always bad.
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