Our partner

struggling

Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: Echinacea, lilyfairy

struggling

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Wed Dec 19, 2018 3:55 pm

Without distractions I am confronted by thoughts I can usually negate.

I am incapable of receiving love if it's not from those who I have subconsciously chosen to love and all those who I love can never love me the way I want to be loved. Those who I love never see me for who I actually am. I am sexualised or diminished and it hurts to see others being praised for aspects I know to be of myself and know that nothing will ever change that. They have their opinion of me and that's the end of that and I see all their beauty and they see none of mine, chasing others for the same aspects I have.

It hurts to know I will never be good enough and nothing will ever change that no matter what I do and when I try and show those aspects they are met with cold indifference, suspicion or are once again diminished.

I hate my heart.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
User avatar
xcagedsilhouttex
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 557
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:27 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 20, 2019 11:38 am
Blog: View Blog (4)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: struggling

Postby Pairou » Wed Dec 19, 2018 9:24 pm

Un requited love can be quite terrible, but it's not impossible to find someone who will love you back the way you want and deserve to be loved. If my crazy butt can do it, so can anyone!
Pairou
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 380
Joined: Tue May 12, 2009 8:57 am
Local time: Sun Jan 20, 2019 6:38 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: struggling

Postby Squaredonutwheels » Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:38 pm

I don't know enough details to provide a better response and also my thinking is warped so take this with a grain of salt.

Given the history of substance abuse; it takes a while-if ever for people who witnessed it-to not be suspicious of positive changes.

Firstly positive changes-especially if they are remarkable ones-are met with suspicion for several reasons. Firstly it demonstrates that change is possible and that exposes the others lack of change. Like crabs in a bucket, many (especially those with a monopoly on "good" behavior) will feel uncomfortable when those who were once "bad" start to show a range of dynamic characteristics.

Secondly, (but I give this far less weight-for my own reasons) the suspicion is also to protect themselves as relapses are a real thing.

It sounds counter intuitive but I've noticed that as I grow and evolve, I often lose the company of the very people who made it their mission to "help" me. I suddenly appear to not need their help or display healthy positive characteristics and they now have nothing to "fix"? Or now they appear less good by being in my company? The irony of good people and friends is often they use people like me to define themselves as good, tolerant, accommodating and friendly. Switch it around and be the good one that tries to help them evolve and their narcissism just can't take it. Hence the diminishing and suspicion or outright hostility.

This might not apply to your situation and I'm just making it about myself, but I hope even then it provides another angle.

I do not approve of the defeatist attitude though. It won't happen overnight but I think you will discover people who appreciate your different aspects. If those currently in your circle don't-because of a lack of evolution on their part-you will start to attract others. "Nothing will ever change" is black and white thinking-something I'm guilty of too-so I'll point it out when I see it in others.
Squaredonutwheels
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 603
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2018 3:41 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 20, 2019 10:38 pm
Blog: View Blog (10)

Re: struggling

Postby RamadanSteve » Thu Dec 20, 2018 11:05 pm

My advice would to be to stop looking for and expecting "love" and try to better yourself through other means. You sound like a smart person the way you type, I'm sure you haver the potential to do interesting things with your life. When you're on the right path things fall into place much easier. When you're looking for someone else to complete you and fill that void in your heart it never works, people can't be there for you like that. You aren't broken beyond repair, you just need some fine tuning.
RamadanSteve
Consumer 4
Consumer 4
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 2:51 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 20, 2019 6:38 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: struggling

Postby Lifelonglessons » Fri Dec 21, 2018 2:56 am

Pairou wrote:Un requited love can be quite terrible, but it's not impossible to find someone who will love you back the way you want and deserve to be loved. If my crazy butt can do it, so can anyone!


My worst feelings are when it seems like Im being rejected from what seems like someone who's interested. Its why I almost never try anymore.

RamadanSteve wrote:My advice would to be to stop looking for and expecting "love" and try to better yourself through other means. You sound like a smart person the way you type, I'm sure you haver the potential to do interesting things with your life. When you're on the right path things fall into place much easier. When you're looking for someone else to complete you and fill that void in your heart it never works, people can't be there for you like that. You aren't broken beyond repair, you just need some fine tuning.


And sometimes when you do that for someone, even if you're trying to fill that hole, they cheat on you anyway. I think Im lucky being a guy. The fact I dont even attract anyone regularly enough to cheat means I never could because I feel momentarily so unfulfilled. And of course it means the worst relationships are betwen two BPD sharers. Its like a cold war of emotional emptiness and neediness.
Lifelonglessons
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 33
Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2015 6:38 am
Local time: Sun Jan 20, 2019 3:38 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google Adsense [Bot] and 90 guests