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Anyone ever feel existential and like multiple people?

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Anyone ever feel existential and like multiple people?

Postby miawall » Sun Dec 16, 2018 7:54 am

Hey all, I'm new and recently coming to terms with my BPD diagnosis; however, I'm not sure all that I experience encompases it and was wondering if anyone has similar experiences.

One thing that no one in treatment or research has been able to explain to me is how I feel like I have various underdeveloped personalities. They aren't full blown, so I know it can't be multiple personalities, but I get these weird attacks where I freak out and start to rapidly cycle between them in my head. I feel like a switch is slowly being flipped and an evil sadistic version (personality 2) tries to steal me (personality 1) away from myself. I try to hold on but I feel the good me (personality 1) slip away and I search frantically in my mind to find her.

Then I feel like I've also got a personality that acts like a victim & another that is a small scared child. Then there is me as I exist, but when these episodes happen I can't tell if the me that exists is real or a concept of myself that I tried to fool myself into thinking it was who I "truly" am. I recognize all the personalities, but they don't feel like me, they feel very intrusive. During these episodes I feel like I start to lose touch with everything and my thinking shifts so quickly to darkness and the pain begins to feel good. Then it's like a switch flips and I feel dark, manipulative, impulsive and seductive -- I feel like I'm living in a movie and my life is everything I make it. It's very imaginative, but I just feel off.

I can feel the good me (personality 1) try to come back and gain control but I feel trapped in my own body that personality 2 has taken over and I can't shake it. I want to fight it and stop from being a bad person, but at the same time I take pleasure in the twisted madness I feel inside. During these episodes everything moves so fast yet, sometimes everything will feel at a stand still. By the end I feel delusional, lost and existential. I've been in recovery but these happen so randomly and I'm thrown back to where I used to be and I don't know how to stop it. When I get up the next morning I'm cold and I don't assess risk the same way and just want to cheat on my boyfriend, drink and do self-destructive things for fun (almost like personality 2 is trying to punish my good side by being bad?).

I feel like I lose myself and it hurts, but I also feel like this dark side is me too, and I hate but love it at the same time. It freaks me out. I feel like when I am back to being good again that it's all a lie and that I'm pretending, so I begin to question who I am and my existence. It's always the same feelings and events each time I experience this, and the personalities are always the same, they just aren't fully developed individuals (kinda like each has a few traits). It's more like different urges and emotions, only sometimes thoughts. It makes me hate myself and feel like I'm just lying to everyone when I am good to act as a facade for the bad me that has a plan to manipulate everyone.

Does this make sense to anyone? If so, any ideas on what I can do to stop the cycles?
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miawall
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