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Abject Terror of Abandonment

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Abject Terror of Abandonment

Postby LithiumLondon » Wed Dec 05, 2018 2:34 pm

Hi,

I'm sorry if this is the wrong way to go about this but I am in a total state and am desperate for someone who understands to help me.

I am in a terrible way, dissociating, unable to sleep or eat, unable to rationalise or think logically, in floods of tears at work having been unable to even go to work yesterday. All because I am TERRIFIED I have been abandoned. Absolutely terrified to the point of vomiting and constantly crying.

The reason is this. I have been seeing someone for six months. Things seem to be going well, we spend a lot of quality time together - every weekend, at least once during the week. We've been away for a weekend in the country and just spent the last weekend abroad in Italy for three days.

We returned at 2am this Monday. I texted him last night, just light-hearted stating that the day had been less fun than the previous day in Italy. He replied within half an hour to say he's really tired. And since then, nothing.

I know he's been at work all day yesterday and then a drinks function all last night. I know we just spent three wonderful days together. I know my feelings are irrational, that I have tailspun into a total panic on previous occasions when he has not texted for a day. I just don't have any coping strategies, none at all, other than drinking.

Please could someone help me? I don't know what to do and I am considering drinking until blackout to help me cope.

I'm so sorry if this is the wrong way to ask for help, or if I've upset anyone. If I call the crisis team they just tell me to go to A&E.

Thank you, I would really appreciate any replies.

LL
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Re: Abject Terror of Abandonment

Postby Pairou » Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:40 pm

I often get the same way... I visit forums and watch youtube tutorials until I calm down. It's all about distracting myself and trying not to drink much. If that doesn't help, I write about it. I pretend the ink on the page is my emotions and fear and it's slipping out of my mind and onto the page.

I'm sure I should be saying something more interesting, like ''try analyzing your feelings,' or something, but when you're terrified you can't analyze anything. You just have to exist with it.

You can PM me anytime <3
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Re: Abject Terror of Abandonment

Postby Lifelonglessons » Fri Dec 21, 2018 5:32 am

https://medium.com/@meholstein/how-to-t ... d1ba5fcca8

"They jump to worst case scenarios. When you frown at them, they fear that you’re secretly seething with anger. When you don’t text them back, they fear you hate them. They are not always able to recognize that these worst-case scenarios are irrational."

"Other times, people with abandonment issues might cycle through a series of shallow relationships. They seek out new connections because they are lonely, but then cut the other person off before they have a chance to hurt them. Their loneliness drives them to find someone else, and the cycle repeats."

You know what I've found calms me down. The idea that there are so many people who will yell at each other in relationships but stay together. When you imagine they're going to abandon you, it seems like it happens much more easily. For some reason two people together can fight and still be together, but two people together with one person fearing abandonment might actually get that. Its probably deep bias but we know there's people who can be upset with each other and still want to be around each other after.

Have you tried talking to him to ask if he'd be willing to help you by texting you ? Some people will resort to manipulation or threats to get compliance, which is a great way to destroy a relationship, but if you're honest towards the other person, it gives them the ability to have self-confidence in reality (as opposed to being gaslit), and helps them understand if you seem irrationally upset by something. It seems like hiding it is worse because its an element they dont understand about you.

What if you could ask him to text if he's upset about something any time? Instead of making zero communication seem like anger, not receiving a text means he's not angry.

For right now try not to focus on him or the relationship at all. You can't read his mind. It'll be okay.
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