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Taking care of this body that refuses to take care of me

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Taking care of this body that refuses to take care of me

Postby Convocation » Sun Nov 11, 2018 6:30 am

Hey! I wanted to share my story with people I felt would understand me. It's been a while since I was in an online community, but I did really enjoy it and felt understood there. Maybe it's time I get back into it?

I was diagnosed with depression many years ago, and BPD as soon as I turned 18. While I present many of the symptoms of BPD, the one that I feel really takes over my life is dissociation. When I brought this up with my doctor he said it was just psychosis, but I don't think that's true. I do have delusions and hallucinate, I hear voices, but I also have people living in my head. There's a difference, right?

I had tried many antidepressants, and on the way to finding the right one I tried Cipralex (started at 5mg, went up to 20mg). What. A. Nightmare. I gained 9kg (~20% of my original weight... yikes) in 6 weeks, and it worsened my depression. Every time I try to stop taking it I gain more weight, so I've been on 5mg since just for weight management. I wonder how long that can last... But I was prescribed Elavil (amitriptyline) (100mg) and it worked for me. For my psychosis I was put on Risperdal (3mg), and it did wonders. I was hearing voices now and then, but it wasn't so bad. I still dissociated too, a lot, but I didn't mind that. But after a few months on that I started to produce milk because of it (a side effect known as galactorrhea). I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that this was happening, and I couldn't see a doctor so I just stopped taking Risperdal. I really suffered because of that. I was constantly hearing voices, and I had no will to live. I saw a GP recently, and he told me to pick whatever antipsychotic I want (instead of Risperdal) and what dosage. Yup... what a guy. I told him to prescribe me what he feels is most appropriate for me, and he put me on Zyprexa. That has a much lower rate of galactorrhea, and I've been taking it for over a week consistently, and guess who started producing milk again?

I'm sick of my body, I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of being tired, of trying to no avail. I suffer from health issue after health issue. I'm sick of taking care of this body that refuses to take care of me back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr16eHb4YNU The title is from this spoken word.
Aaron (23) Protector, Mishka (9), Piver (18) Host

It gets better everyday. Does it? It's what I need to believe.
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Re: Taking care of this body that refuses to take care of me

Postby Wantpeace » Mon Nov 26, 2018 12:37 pm

Hi, I am sorry for the side effects you're experiencing from the antipsychotic medications. I went through the same thing as a teenager and it was very embarrassing and humiliating when my clothes got stained and it would happen in public. I was still underage so my mom was forcing me to take medication due to me being violent and rage.

I have a lot of experience taking different meds. I was on Seroquel 100 mgs. for 4 years as an adult, and never had any milk production from it. I was a bit overweight but that seems to come along with most of the antipsychotic medications i have taken. My psychotic symptoms are not as severe as to need to be medicated at this moment in my life, luckily.

I know how discouraging it is to look for the right medication but i suggest to try something else, until you find something better. maybe the newer generation antipsychotic meds would be better. I'm sure your new doctor would help you.
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Re: Taking care of this body that refuses to take care of me

Postby Convocation » Sun Dec 02, 2018 5:08 am

Hey, thanks for taking the time to share your story and listening to mine. It's never gotten so severe it leaks through my clothes, but it is disheartening to see that try as I might, I'm bound to illness one way or another. I can't be symptom-free.

I'm now on Abilify, it's only been a few days but I'm feeling okay and no milk yet. I gained 5 more kg from my other medicine. It's infuriating. I'm still mid-range normal weight, but I should try to work out and lose this weight. I'm glad your symptoms are better now, that gives me hope. It can get better, right? Thank you for trying to encourage me to hold on
Aaron (23) Protector, Mishka (9), Piver (18) Host

It gets better everyday. Does it? It's what I need to believe.
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